--- title: Elliot Page Memoir Excerpt: How I Embraced My Trans Identity description: The actor and activist writes in his new memoir 'Pageboy' about the struggles he faced on the way to embracing his trans identity. canonical: https://time.com/6284143/elliot-page-memoir-pageboy-trans-identity/ author: Elliot Page article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2023-06-05T11:00:14.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:42:45.724Z article:section: Entertainment og:title: Elliot Page: Embracing My Trans Identity Saved Me og:description: 'The unraveling is painful, but it leads you to you,' the actor and activist writes in his new memoir 'Pageboy' og:url: https://time.com/6284143/elliot-page-memoir-pageboy-trans-identity/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltad26af458fbc221d/698a3d8adb2987d9e12690e0/elliot-page-memoir-excerpt.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1924 og:image:height: 1082 og:image:alt: elliot-page-memoir-excerpt og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Elliot Page: Embracing My Trans Identity Saved Me twitter:description: 'The unraveling is painful, but it leads you to you,' the actor and activist writes in his new memoir 'Pageboy' twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltad26af458fbc221d/698a3d8adb2987d9e12690e0/elliot-page-memoir-excerpt.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Elliot Page: Embracing My Trans Identity Saved Me > Sponsored content. 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Terms and conditions apply. * Savings buckets are a feature of Ally Bank's Savings Account. * No ATM fees from Ally Bank at Allpoint and Moneypass ATMs plus we reimburse for fees charged by other ATM owners nationwide up to $10 per statement cycle. * Early direct deposit offers eligible direct deposits up to two days sooner. * Spending buckets are a feature of Ally Bank's Spending Account. ## Video: The History You Didn't Learn: Sir Lady Java [Watch (HLS stream): The History You Didn't Learn: Sir Lady Java](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/aOEe7MU1.m3u8) (6:47)  _Published 2021-06-22. Today, you can turn on the TV and watch hours of drag performances. But it was not too long ago that a trans woman and drag queen could perform as her true self._ by [Elliot Page](https://time.com/author/elliot-page/) ## Elliot Page Jun 5, 2023 11:00 AM UTC  Actor and activist Elliot Page writes in his new memoir 'Pageboy' about the struggles he faced on the way to embracing his trans identity. Actor and activist Elliot Page writes in his new memoir 'Pageboy' about the struggles he faced on the way to embracing his trans identity. Catherine Opie by [Elliot Page](https://time.com/author/elliot-page/) ## Elliot Page Jun 5, 2023 11:00 AM UTC I’d always been told I was gay, made fun of for it. I felt comfortable in environments with queer women. But something in me knew that I was [transgender](https://time.com/5916800/elliot-page-transgender-announcement/). It was something I had always known but didn’t have the words for, wouldn’t permit myself to embrace. “I was never a girl. I’ll never be a woman. What am I going to do?” I used to say. Have always said. The first time I acknowledged I was trans, in the properly conscious sense, beyond speculation, was around my 30th birthday. Almost four years before I came out publicly. “Do you think I’m trans?” I’d asked a close friend. They answered hesitantly, knowing no one can come to that conclusion for someone else, but they looked at me with a quiet recognition and said, “I could see that . . .” It was a light shining through from under the door. **_Read More:_**[_Elliot Page Is Ready for This Moment_](https://time.com/5947032/elliot-page-2/) --- ### More from TIME --- Then there was the time when I wasn’t the one to bring it up. I was having a small party. People jumped in the pool and huddled together on outdoor furniture. My friend Star and I sat off alone, catching up on the patio. I met Star when we were making the first season of _Gaycation_—she worked at a San Francisco clinic run by trans women that offered [health care and support](https://time.com/6265755/gender-affirm-care-bans-u-s/) for those in the LGBTQ+ community who needed it. Star and I connected, in that way where the future flashes, an auspicious beginning. We stayed in touch and became good friends. She has experienced far more obstacles and barriers than I have, yet she holds space for me, supports me, sees me. She’s a singer, and I remember being mesmerized by her voice when I first listened to her album, _Star._ The lyrics of her song “Heartbreaker” played on repeat in my mind for weeks after: _I run away from feeling too good_ _I’m scared as hell you’d leave me if you knew I run away from feeling too good_ _I’m scared as hell you’d leave me if you knew_ At my party, we sat together on an oversize chair, the splashes and music blending together in the background. We spoke about gender. I shared the degree of my discomfort, how even when I was playing a role, I couldn’t wear feminine clothes anymore. How I always struggled in the summer when layers were not an option and the presence of my breasts under my T-shirt forced me to incessantly crane my neck, sneaking quick peeks down. I would pull on my shirt, my posture folded. Walking down the sidewalk, I’d glance at my profile in a store window, my brain consumed. I tried to avoid my reflection. I couldn’t look at pictures, because I was never there. It was making me sick. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be lifted out—the [gender dysphoria](https://time.com/6146269/doctors-trans-youth-gender-affirming-care-harassment/) slowly crushing me. “It’s a role, you’re an actor. Why are you complaining?” people would say. “I would wear a skirt,” a straight, cis man said to me, playing devil’s advocate. I kept trying to explain the difficulty I was having. But he kept spitting out his unwanted opinions, then berating me for getting “too emotional.” I believe _hysterical_ was the word he used. His words triggered a deep shame I’d held since I could remember. I was puzzled too—invalidating my own experience. How was I in so much pain? Why did even slightly feminine clothing make me want to die? I’m an actor, there shouldn’t be a problem. How could I be so ungrateful? Imagine the most uncomfortable, mortifying thing you could wear. You squirm in your skin. It’s tight, and you want to tear it off your body but you can’t. Day in and day out. And if people learn what is underneath, who you are without that pain, the shame will come flooding out, too much to hold. The voice says you deserve the humiliation. You are an abomination. You are not real. **_Read More:_**[_Biden Vowed to Protect the LGBTQ Community. But What’s Really Changed for Transgender People?_](https://time.com/6053114/pride-transgender/) “Do you think you’re trans?” Star asked me, locking eyes. “Yes, well, maybe. I think so. Yeah.” We exchanged a soft smile. I was so near, almost touching it. But I panicked, and it burned away like the joint I was smoking, becoming an old roach left to rot in a forgotten ashtray. It all felt too big—the thought of going through this publicly, in a culture that is so [rife with transphobia](https://time.com/6131444/2021-anti-trans-violence/) and people with enormous power and platforms actively [attacking the community](https://time.com/6280699/desantis-anti-lgbtq-legislation/). --- The world tells us that we aren’t trans but mentally ill. That I’m too ashamed to be a lesbian, that I mutilated my body, that I will always be a woman, comparing my body to Nazi experiments. It’s not trans people who suffer from a sickness, but the [society that fosters such hate](https://time.com/6269728/trans%5Frepresentation%5Fnike-budlight-backlash/). As actress and writer Jen Richards once put it: _It’s exceedingly surreal to have transitioned ten years ago, find myself happier & healthier than ever, have better relationships with friends & family, be a better and more engaged citizen, and yes, even more productive … and to then see strangers pathologize that choice. My being trans almost never comes up. It’s a fact about my past that has relatively little bearing on my present, except that it made me more empathetic, more engaged in social justice. How does it hurt anyone else?_ Sitting with Star by the pool, I couldn’t quite touch the truth, but I could talk about my gender without bawling. That was a step. It had taken a long time to allow any words to come out. When the subject came up in therapy, I got lost in sobs. “Why do I feel this way?” I’d plead. “How can I have this life and be in such pain?” Not long after my 30th birthday, I did a U-turn. I bailed—I stopped talking about it. I closed my eyes and hid it away. I met my ex-spouse Emma around that time. Meeting Emma let me leave it behind, a foggy memory. Falling madly in love, the energy was indisputable—just a hug would make my body shake. I threw myself in, and we got married quickly.  --- If a part of you is always separate, if existing in your body feels unbearable, [love](https://time.com/4225777/meaning-of-love/) is an irresistible escape. You transcend, a sensation so indescribable that philosophers, scientists, and writers can’t seem to agree on what the f-ck it is—if it even is. I often wonder if I have actually experienced deep love. I feel as though I have, but is it real if you’ve numbed yourself to the truth about who you are? Love was an unwitting emotional disguise, and my relationship to it is another muscle to be transformed. I’m working on it. I don’t want to disappear. I want to exist in my body with these new possibilities. That sense of possibility is one of the main components of life lost when we lack representation: options erased from the imagination, narratives indoctrinated that we spend an eternity attempting to break. The unraveling is painful, but it leads you to you. During my marriage, I ignored [therapy](https://time.com/6240153/how-to-find-a-therapist/). And when we moved to New York City from Los Angeles at the end of 2018, I virtually stopped going to therapy altogether. It wasn’t until our relationship was falling apart two years later and my gender dysphoria was so extreme that I sought out someone in the city. I was ready to talk. I could barely find the words, but I did. As if they moved on their own, wriggling through and up my body, pouring out. My body knew, deep down I knew, and something had shifted. It was now or never. It was alive or not. _From_ [_Pageboy: A Memoir_](https://bookshop.org/a/4973/9781250878359) _by Elliot Page, Copyright © 2023 by the author and reprinted by permission of Flatiron Books, a division of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC._ _If you or someone you know may be experiencing a mental-health crisis or contemplating suicide, call or text 988_ _. In emergencies, call 911, or seek care from a local hospital or mental health provider._ These are independent reviews of the products mentioned, but TIME receives a commission when purchases are made through affiliate links at no additional cost to the purchaser. ## Transcript It felt great stage for people that you don't know, and for them to like what you did, it makes you feel good inside. I just love the people involved with the game. Today, you can turn on the TV and watch hours of Drive performances, but it was not too long ago that a trans woman and drag queen had to fight the law just so she could perform as her true self. By Lady Java is a black woman. She was a comedian, a dancer, a performer, Nevermind. The mirror. I was a dancer and I love them. They can see it in my face and I were little bitty skin. It was so little. And for those days that was the littlest bikinis without the 60s or lady Java Rose to prominence in the LA nightlife scene and as a result of begin to be tracked by the Los Angeles. Police Department for violating Rule Number 9, which prohibited nightlife venues from employing performers who performed as the opposite gender to the one that they were assigned at Birth. Not only was at discriminatory, on its face, but it was also applied in a discriminatory manner because there were a number of fires that future fight entertainers and cater to a mostly white or mixed audience that were allowed to perform. But in Black Clubs catering to mostly black audiences with black performers. It's like that's where the enforcement of rule, nine seems to have taken place. And so, on October 19th, Southern this surveillance of her reach. Has a fever pitch when she's playing a series of shows at the red fox, a black owned bar, on the West Side, despite applying for a permit, to be able to employ Jabba, that permit was denied. And so the Redbox received an injunction for continuing to employ Java. And so he didn't renew her contract, and she was saying, like, why? Like, this is just straight up employment discrimination, is like, this is just who I am. It's just like, I'm an Entertainer who happens to be trans. I'm not doing anything on stage that I'm not doing offstage. And that became the basis of our very successful protest. Java responded by working with the ACLU, to try to overturn will number nine, California, state supreme court. Ultimately decided that the Entertainer did not have standing to Sue that it was the club owner who has standing to sue while the court won't hear the lawsuit because the ACLU could not find. A bar owner who wanted to be the named plaintiff Java continues to fight against and flout Rule. Number 9, by testing the fresh called a properly gender. The tire at the time in order to be considered properly, attired in the eyes of the police, you had to be wearing at least three articles of clothing of the gender you are signed up first. Can you imagine coming out in a sequined gown with a bikini underneath, wearing a men's wrist, watch a men's bow, tie and socks. I just see this as an example of like black queer and trans like Ingenuity and it was billion. The significance of Lady Jabba's court case, even though It in and of itself wasn't successful, it laid the groundwork for a successful challenges of employment discrimination. And I think this is really important for today cuz I think of you know this was an unprecedented the year for the passage of bills and laws that Target transgender people a record. Number of Bill to limit transgender rights and gender athlete bands introduced in 31 States and care for Trans youth do exactly the same thing. They target trans people but they aren't the subject of the law. Write the law is for the doctor. The position is prohibited from the parents will be held responsible, if I feel like this is another way that life Java story in the unfinished business of it has a lot to do with what we're facing today. From the bike, The Unfinished work around trans people's right to live to exist, that drag and processing and gender expression was police literally police by the police, as heavily as it was back in the day. Because these days we see that drag as an expression that has a performance even for something as an as an identity is celebrated. And that's really because of mainstream this tender heterosexual White. Call Charles has figured out how to sell it and make money off of it. Historically, no one important piece of rag, for some Beyond being a cool. BRB on being an artistic expression, can be the only way that they can access, the gender expression that they desperately need. I know that, that was what it was for me. I'm in a time when I wasn't going to be celebrated for being trans where I wasn't going to be celebrated for sort of quote Living my truth. I knew that I could at least get some Applause and maybe even some money just putting on a wig and strutting my stuff, the way that I wanted to something. It keeps binding you down, it would leave so you can be you and being you Houston, Bush Airport. 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