‘The Bachelor’ Goes Bowling for Roses in Fort Lauderdale

We are halfway through season 22 of The Bachelor and Arie is in the thick of it. He is willing to do or say whatever it takes to win himself a wife. “Fort Lauderdale is a beautiful place to fall in love,” says Arie. To prove that, he will take two women on one-on-one dates, or as the rest of the world calls them “dates.” The rest of the women vying for his love will escort Arie on some group activity where they will vie for his attention and/or whip up some drama.

Here’s what happened when The Bachelor went to find the romantic side of Fort Lauderdale:

Believe It Or Yacht

Arie stops by the women’s hotel room to invite the show’s resident single mom, Chelsea, on a date. And also to reveal that we have reached the point in the season where the women have started referring to themselves in the third person. “I am excited for him to get to know Chelsea,” says Chelsea. Arie takes Chelsea on a giant yacht, which causes Chelsea to note, “I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.” A helpful intern points the hotel’s telescope towards the yacht and one of the women takes a peek and declares, “They are Titanic-ing!” Then they make out on a jet ski, and the women decide they just can’t even anymore.

Over dinner, Chelsea tells Arie about her schmuck of an ex who left her when their son was six months old. Arie makes sympathetic clucking noises as she talks. He promises not to waste her time and gives her a rose. Then they do the trademark awkward Bachelor slow dance as some up-and-coming country artist tries to make her mark.

Bowling You Over

One of the most frequent complaints about The Bachelor is that it’s so glamorous that the relationships can’t survive in the real world. To make sure that isn’t the case for him, Arie takes the group date bowling. That’s right, they are bowling in Fort Lauderdale. To prove his dedication to the sport, Arie licks a bowling ball (yes, he will lick a bowling ball, but not kiss Annaliese). During the game, Arie decides that whichever team wins the bowling game gets to go to the after-party and the women (mostly Krystal) take it very, very seriously. Eventually, the blue team prevails and Krystal is thrilled to spend some time with Arie.

The Dramatic Arts

But then Arie decides to invite everyone to the after party and Krystal has a full-on tantrum. She decides to not go on the date, tells the women to tell Arie he was disrespectful, and she has packed her bags to go home. Obviously Arie has to go see what is happening with Krystal. Hopefully Chelsea goes all Mama Bear and tells him that he should never reward attention-seeking behavior. Arie goes to tell Krystal that she is ruining his nice party and she should stay in her room and think about what she has done. He returns to the party, leaving Krystal to pout in her room. Arie admits that he was worried about not finding anyone to love and now he has too many choices. To help him sort out his feelings, he makes out with everyone.

Even More Drama

Krystal of course can’t handle everyone having fun without her, so she throws on some eye shadow and crashes the party. She goes to sit with the women and explain that her feelings were, like, so hurt that Arie invited other women on their date. The women are not interested in Krystal’s explanation or feelings. When she finishes having her say, she goes downstairs. Arie doesn’t seem to realize that Krystal was there, but it’s hard to notice anything when you’re face down on a girl. When he surfaces for air, he gives Lauren the date rose.

Swamplandia

Because Tia is a nice country girl, Arie decides to take her on a boat ride through the Everglades swamp. They ride an air boat, see a gator, Tia squeals, they make out. Then they go to visit a man who lives in the swamp. They smile politely while their host feeds them deep-fried frog legs and deep-fried corn on the cob. Tia explains the art of frog gigging to Arie and then they make out some more. Later, Arie takes Tia to what looks like the Krusty Krab for dinner. Tia tells Arie that she was in college for seven years and while Arie mulls that over, she explains that she didn’t spend seven years in undergrad, but earned a doctorate in physical therapy (which at NYU only takes three years). Then she tells Arie that she doesn’t mind that he doesn’t believe in God and that she is falling in love with him — all on their first date. He rewards her with the rose and then they make out. In the Krusty Krab.

The Cocktail Party

“I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself,” Krystal says in a bit of revisionist history. During her alone time, she has had an epiphany: She actually really likes Arie and definitely wants to stay. To prove it, she invites all the women to have one-on-one talks about her feelings. A few women take her up on it, like Bekah, who simply asks her, “Why are you still here?” Even the most optimistic women give up in frustration in the face of Krystal’s overwhelming solipsism. Krystal blames the women for not being on her level and blesses them all with glitter.

She then goes to talk to Arie who tells her that her tantrum was not cool and that he needs to think about whether or not he wants to even consider a relationship with her. “It was our first fight,” coos Krystal. “It might be our last fight,” says Arie, as cold as ice.

The Rose Ceremony

Chelsea, Tia, and Lauren all have roses. Bekah gets the first rose, followed by Seinne, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, Jenna, and then it is already the final rose. Then he is required by law to give Krystal the rose, because the other women are too nice, friendly, and drama free and the producers wouldn’t know what to do with 120 minutes of air time of nice girls being nice.