Welcome back to the most eco-friendly season of The Bachelor since they recycled Brad Womack. This season, The Bachelorette’s reject Arie has returned to the mansion to look for love the only way he knows how. Now, the so-called Kissing Bandit is working his way through a crowd of gorgeous women looking for a life partner who doesn’t mind getting married on national television.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:
You GLOW Girl
For the first Group Date, Arie decides to put a ring on it. He invites eight girls to strap on some latex (or more latex) and piledrive each other in the first ever installment of G.L.O.B., the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor. To teach the women the ropes and how to bounce their opponents heads off them, Chris Harrison invites two of his personal best friends who happen to be original members of the ’80s franchise G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Arie is excited, because “it’s going to be uncomfortable for all of us,” which apparently is what Arie looks for in a relationship. The G.L.O.W. pros are not impressed with Arie’s crew, save for Bekah, who seems to be using The Bachelor as an audition for the Netflix series. Eventually Bibiana and Tia go cry in a corner and Arie has to come comfort them. Soon the match starts and Arie faces off against Kenny, the kind-hearted wrestler who wooed Rachel on The Bachelorette. Arie won, but it was definitely rigged. Then the ladies enter the ring and it’s Bekah “The Sex Kitten” and Maquel “The Lunch Lady” throwing each other around a turnbuckle and a wrestling Southern belle piledriving a Bridezilla and it’s shocking that it took this long for The Bachelor to do this.
Arie takes the women to a trailer park, but like a chic trailer park, for the date and spends all night making out with various women in trailers like the Don Juan de Winnebago. He makes sure Tia’s tears have dried, comforts Bibiana, canoodles with Krystal, and locks lips with Bekah. At the end of the night, everyone still hates Krystal (except Arie, natch) but now Krystal hates Bekah because she got the Date Rose. Krystal decides to be more aggressive, which will undoubtedly go over well with the other women.
You Had Me At Merlot
For the one-on-one date, Arie has invited Lauren S., a social media manager (“She has a cool job!” exclaims Arie) to fly to wine country and drink. After a few glasses of wine she realizes that she has forgotten how to be romantic. She aims at openness and vulnerability, but ends up at rambling nonsensically. She’s so all over the place that Arie gives up trying to get a word in edgewise and decides to actually eat the food on The Bachelor. This may be a first.
When he’s done eating, Arie reaches for the Date Rose, turns to Lauren S. and says, “Not for you!” He sends her home in the Limo of Sadness. Back at the mansion, the women all gasp in horror as Lauren S.’s suitcase is removed from the premises.
Because Arie likes dogs, the producers send the women to The Grove to put on a dog-and-pony show minus the ponies. They don sparkly dresses and try to get a group of untrained dogs to jump through hoops. The dogs ignore them. For some reason there’s a woman dressed as a lamp and Chris Harrison and Fred Willard act as commentators for it all. The audience pretends they’re not bored while clearly regretting signing up for this. Turns out that Annaliese not only had a traumatic experience with bumper cars, which left her a quivering mess at the demolition derby date, but apparently she also had a traumatic experience with a puppy as a child and is terrified of dogs, too. So the producers put her on pooper scooper duty and no one feels bad about it, especially because the pooper scooper was decked out with rhinestones. By the end of the date, everyone, including the dogs, need a drink.
Cocktails and Kisses
After the dog show, the women shower, put on pretty dresses, and try to catch Arie’s eye. Chelsea gets the Date Rose, but Arie makes out with pretty much everyone, except for Annaliese. She can’t help but be hurt by that and hopefully this won’t turn into another traumatic moment that will ruin future dates and/or reality TV appearances for her.
The Saddest Girl At The Cocktail Party
At the cocktail party, Arie tells Bekah that he wants to spend as much time as possible with the people he likes most of all. So Bibiana set up a special little daybed for her and Arie to canoodle — and Arie proceeds to use it with everyone but Bibiana. When Bibiana tries to steal a moment, Arie tells her to come back in five minutes and continues making out with a Lauren.
Arie then sets up a special hang-out zone with Tia. It’s not just Bibiana having a rough time, though. Annaliese is in tears because she hasn’t made out with him yet. She decides to confront him about the future of their relationship and it doesn’t go so well. He escorts her from the premises as she waves goodbye to her former friends.
The Rose Ceremony
Arie is pretty sure his wife is in the room, so he starts handing out roses to a stream of blondes, brunettes, and Laurens, Ashleys, and Krystals. Between all the roses, various Jennas and Jacquelines tell the camera that they really, really hope to get a rose, unlike every other girl in the room, of course. At last, Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by pointing out that it’s the final rose. Arie hands it to some beautiful woman and Chris Harrison tells the only girl in the room that didn’t get a rose to leave immediately — it’s Bibiana. She breaks down in tears and leaves, but doesn’t take the daybed with her.