TIME Opinion

The Fanny Pack: Symbol of Male Liberation

In defense of the world's greatest supply bag

America’s national arbiter of Southern Cool, Matthew McConaughey, declared his love for the fanny pack to the world while at Fenway Park Sunday.

“I’m not afraid of the fanny pack,” said McConaughey, when confronted about his accessory. “You gotta kind of put it on the side to make it look a little not as nerdy, but still, practicality wins out. I got so much gear in here that I don’t want in my pockets.”

The Houston Astros Vs. The Boston Red Sox At Fenway Park
Actor Matthew McConaughey stands for the national anthem at the Red Sox game at Fenway Park on August 17, 2014. (Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images) Boston Globe—Boston Globe via Getty Images

For those not in the know, a fanny pack is a small pouch worn around the waist like a belt. Supposedly once the pouch was worn over the buttocks, hence the name, though no one wears them that way today. They peaked as a fashion item in the 1980s.

McConaughey’s love for the fanny pack is all good and well and I offer him my sincerest stamp of approval but his statement deserves a lingering glance. He speaks not only to today’s evolving fashion trends and the utility of the fanny pack but to the society’s sexist fashion standards and the plight of modern man, especially when it’s hot outside.

Consider the options available to a man wishing to carry a few supplies out into the world (excluding winter time, when the giant coat and the fact that going out is awful anyway renders the conundrum moot).

The briefcase—No one took you seriously when you carried one in high school and no one takes you seriously now, unless there are actual briefs (the legal kind) in that thing.

The backpack—We could rename it “The backsweat.” Also kind of juvenile, but it’ll do in a pinch.

The satchel—Known to everyone talking out of earshot as your “murse,” this bag is actually pretty handy but it can be a bulky when you’re trying to feel light and free and summery.

The hand—Real men carry things with their hands. But we are not real men and haven’t been since the end of the Stone Age so moving on.

The purse—Bless you bold purse carriers, but no. Getting an arm into the strap is impossible and there is just no way to hold these things other than with hand on strap arm extended at 90 degrees. Ergonomically out of the question. I am not alone.

The fanny pack— Small, light and comfy. The flip flop of supply bags. Liberator of male-kind. The fanny pack will get you where you need to go along with your carmex, knife, road beer, sunglasses, or whatever else. You will not be dependent (in the supply arena, anyway) on a purse-wielder, nor will you be weighed down by any aforementioned bulky or discomfiting bags.

Through the centuries man has known it to be true that the fanny pack is tops. Only recently, in this dark age of meggings and other fashion crimes, have we lost sight of our centuries old love for the fanny pack. See here, symbol of manly freedom and fanny pack pioneer, The King of the Wild Frontier himself, Davy Crockett.

Davy Crockett, King Of The Wild Frontier
Silver Screen Collection—Getty Images

Follow McConaughey, men. Follow Crockett. Embrace the fanny pack. You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have the world to win.

TIME celebrity

Anna Wintour Did the Ice Bucket Challenge Because Getting Drenched in Water Is The Latest Fashion

No word on whether this new look will make the September issue.

Vogue editor Anna Wintour has done the ice bucket challenge — a Facebook trend in which people post videos of themselves getting doused with ice water, then nominate others to do it or donate $100 to Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) research. Nominated by her daughter Bee Shaffer, Wintour has challenged tennis champion Roger Federer and English actor Dominic West to do it next.

The fundraising campaign has raised more than $15 million.

No word on whether this new look will be featured in the September issue.

MORE: George W. Bush Does The Ice Bucket Challenge

MORE: Here Is How The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Started

TIME World

These Are The Oldest Living People in the World

Guinness World Records announced Wednesday that Sakari Momoi, an 111-year-old retired teacher who lives in Tokyo, is now the oldest living man. The avid Chinese poetry reader succeeds Alexander Imich, a New Yorker who died in June at 111. Here, TIME rounds-up other known super-centenarians.

TIME viral

Little Kid Totally Freaks Out When His Dad ‘Takes’ His Ear and Nose

You'd cry too if you genuinely thought you'd have to live without these important facial features

+ READ ARTICLE

You know that game adults like to play where they pretend to steal kids’ nose and then promptly taunt them by chanting, “I got your nose”? Well, a dad named Jesse Fulcher decided to play that game with his son and then uploaded his “priceless” reaction to YouTube.

Fulcher begins by “taking” his son’s ear. He sees how distraught the kid becomes, so he puts it back. Then, for some reason, the kid agrees to let his dad take his nose too, which also causes him to break down in tears.

In the end, all the boy’s facial features are returned to their rightful spots.

TIME New Jersey

Watch Chris Christie Get Totally Defensive About Being Friends With Bruce Springsteen

Chris + Bruce 4Ever

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his cool Tuesday after a journalist suggested that the Bruce Springsteen superfan might not be in the Boss’s good graces.

After being asked about a rumor that Springsteen had requested Christie stop using his music at his rallies (a rumor that has not been substantiated), Christie totally freaked, as seen in this video from NJ.com.

“No. Never did that. No, you’re wrong about that,” Christie said. “Bruce has never asked me to do that. He never has. You’re wrong.”

The reporter then asked about whether he had been dancing with Bon Jovi in the Hamptons, prompting Christie to remind her that he has many celebrity friends besides Springsteen.

“I wasn’t dancing with Bon Jovi, actually, I was dancing with Jamie Foxx,” he said. “So if you’re gonna be cute, we should get the story right.”

But of all his famous friends, the Boss is Christie’s BFF. In fact, they hung out just recently!

“I saw Bruce about a week and a half ago,” Christie said. “And he had every opportunity to tell me not to, he didn’t, and he never has told me not to. Listen, I know him and you’re wrong. I know Bruce, and I’ve spoken to Bruce, and you’re wrong.”

The governor appeared furious at the insinuation that he and Bruce were on the outs, although he did not provide any proof of their friendship, such as letters from camp, friendship bracelets, or selfies. He ended by telling the female journalist, who seemed very calm, to calm down.

“When I leave, just so we can have this lady be a little calmer, let’s play Bon Jovi on the way out,” he said, adding: “If you want to debate, run for governor and I’ll debate you.”

[NJ.com]

TIME viral

10 Dogs That Bravely Completed the Ice Bucket Challenge

From a dachshund in a shower cap to a cavapoo in a raincoat

You might be at least a little sick of seeing people dump water over their heads everywhere you turn on the Internet, even if the hugely viral phenomenon is raising insane amounts of money for a worthy cause.

But the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has now taken a cutesy turn. Here, we present some of the best canine contributions to the ever-growing collection of icy videos.

The dachshund that’s totally prepared with a cute little shower cap:

The pug that would rather just donate the damn money and have you leave it alone:

The big guy named Jet that’s pretty chill about things:

The puppy named Buttons that’s all, “can you not?”:

The corgi that actually seems excited to complete the challenge:

This chill chihuahua named Jack:

The little dude named Phineas Ernest Sander that’s rocking a fly raincoat:

The little cutie named Tinkerbelle that chills in protective rain gear while her human sings for some reason:

The dog named Boomer that realizes the challenge isn’t so bad after all:

The courageous pooch that uses an actual bucket:

Honorable mention: this cutie named Lucky that almost completed the challenge:

 

TIME Opinion

Idiot Fakes Own Death to Get Out of Wedding Because Idiot

Tucker Blandford hatched a terrible plan

It was to be a transatlantic love story worthy of the big screen, but instead of Hollywood romance it ended more like a slapstick comedy.

Alex Lanchester, 23 and British, was set to marry her American fiancé Tucker Blandford, 23 and terrible, on August 15. The couple met in Connecticut in 2012 while Lanchester was studying abroad in the U.S. and Blandford proposed before she returned to the UK. They planned their wedding but as the big day approached she got the call that changed—and let’s be honest, possibly saved, because this dude seems like a creep—her life.

“Alex, this is Tucker’s dad. There’s no easy way to say this,” said the voice on the phone. “I am sorry to say that Tucker is dead.” It was Tucker spoofing his dad’s voice in order to fake his own death, reports the UK’s Mirror.

Lanchester says she then called Blandford’s mother, who of course didn’t know what she was talking about.

“All I ever did was love him,” she said. “After this I’m not sure I can trust a man ever again”—a course of action that might be a good idea considering her record of judging character.

Blandford confessed to a reporter over the phone that he is “a terrible, awful person,” so he’s making some progress in the truth-telling department. “I know I shouldn’t have told her I was dead, but I didn’t know what else to do,” he said, according to the UK’s Daily Mail.”

“At the time I just felt like I couldn’t tell the truth and thought if I could just postpone everything it would be better,” Blandford said. Because if there’s one thing we know about death it’s that it isn’t forever. Nice plan, bud.

TIME viral

Watch President Obama Sing Ariana Grande’s “Problem” (Sort Of)

With special cameos from Vice President Joe Biden and House Speaker John Boehner

+ READ ARTICLE

He already sang “Fancy,” so really, it was only a matter of time until Obama took on “Problem” — you know, the other song of the summer.

Behold, the latest work from the genius known as baracksdubs, who splices together snippets from Obama’s speeches to make it sound like he’s singing pop songs.

Barry O. does all the singing, of course, but watch out for special appearances from Vice President Joe Biden and House Speaker John Boehner, both of whom really add an extra something special here.

TIME viral

George W. Bush Doesn’t Think ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is Presidential, Gets Wet Anyway

Nominates Bill Clinton to step up next

+ READ ARTICLE

It would seem few are immune from the icy reach of the ALS ice bucket challenge, and even former President George W. Bush has fallen victim.

“To you all that challenged me, I do not think it’s presidential for me to be splashed with ice water,” he said. “I’m simply going to write you a check,” he added, moments before Laura Bush emptied a bucket of water over his head. The former First Lady added she would send a check to ALS groups as she didn’t want to ruin her hair.

Having done his bit to raise awareness for ALS, 43 named another former president, Bill Clinton, to do the same. “Now it’s my privilege to challenge my friend Bill Clinton to the ALS challenge,” he said. “Yesterday was Bill’s birthday and my gift to Bill is a bucket of cold water.”

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has raised $22.9 million this year, according to the ALS Association.

TIME NextDraft

Meet The Hitchhiking Canadian Robot and Other Fascinating News on the Web

August 19, 2014

nextdraft_newsfeed_v2

1. Meet the Neighbors

Want to live longer? Go meet your neighbors. Recent research introduced by psychologists at the University of Michigan found that people who know and trust their neighbors are much less likely to have heart attacks. Like many studies, this one is more about correlation than causation, so it’s difficult to say for sure whether bonding with the neighbors is really worth the risk. As we learned last week, a lot of people couldn’t pick their neighbors out of a police lineup. (How many of us would be surprised to see them there?)

+ If interacting with other humans isn’t your thing, you could always exchange some pleasantries with hitchBot. The Canadian robot hitchhiked 4,000 miles “to explore the boundaries of human-technological interaction.”

2. Driving Miss Lazy

In a move that will watched closely by Google and Amazon, Uber is testing Corner Store, a new pilot program that will let users order staple items for same day delivery. I have a feeling that someday we’ll point to the rise of the same day delivery services as a key factor in the decline of personal health. (Of course, by that time, Uber will be delivering medicine too.)

3. The Gray Area

It’s been more than a week since Michael Brown was shot “at least six times,” and the often shocking scenes from the streets of Ferguson show few signs of improving. From molotov cocktails, to tear gas, to arrests and shootings, Buzzfeed has the latest from Ferguson.

+ The numbers in Pew’s report on the sharp black-white divide on perceptions of Ferguson are pretty amazing. Only 44 percent of whites say that that the Brown shooting raises racial issues.

+ “Your circle will necessarily close tighter because the trust you once, if ever, you had in the system and their agents are forever changed. Your lives are forever changed.” Trayvon Martin’s Mom sends an open letter to Michael Brown’s family.

+ Ezra Klein has an interesting take on why Obama won’t give the Ferguson speech his supporters want.

+ Vox: Half of black men in the US have been arrested by age 23.

+ Three Georgia teens have developed an app that is like Yelp for cops.

4. Giving Back

Peace in the Middle East is as elusive as … peace in the Middle East. These days, we’d settle for a ceasefire. The latest one was interrupted by a barrage of rocket fire from Hamas, followed by Israeli airstrikes. Following the exchange, the Israeli negotiators walked out of the latest talks.

+ From The NYT: “In 1943, Henk Zanoli took a dangerous train trip, slipping past Nazi guards and checkpoints to smuggle a Jewish boy from Amsterdam to the Dutch village of Eemnes. There, the Zanoli family, already under suspicion for resisting the Nazi occupation, hid the boy in their home for two years. The boy would be the only member of his family to survive the Holocaust.” Zanoli received a medal from Israel for being one of the righteous non-Jews who saved Jews during the Holocaust. Last week, he gave the medal back.

5. Pipe Teams

Connectivity is everything. And being the brand that provides that connectivity to the most people would put any company in an enviable position. But what about the consumers on the other end of those broadband pipes? Adrianne Jeffries of The Verge wonders: What happens when the most unpopular company in the US merges with the runner-up?

6. The Cost of Kids

If you are a middle-income family with a new baby in the house, congratulations. That kid will cost you about a quarter of a million dollars in child-rearing expenses over the next 18 years. (I expect my kids to contribute at least ten times that in start-up equity.)

+ Quartz: Why more restaurants are banning kids. If you don’t already know the answer to that, my kids and I would love to take you out to dinner some time.

+ Every kid knows the “I’m gonna take your ear” gag, right? Wrong.

7. You Don’t Know Joe

Many of us wake up in the morning and make our first cup of coffee “with the mindless precision of a machine.” FastCo tries to explain how you got hooked on coffee. It’s all part of their deep dive into Coffee Week. From Pumpkin Spice Lattes to foamy artistry, grab a mug and come on in.

8. The Bucket Gist

I just dumped a bucket of boiling lard over my head. Someone had to up the ante as the ice-bucket challenge sends shivers across social media. NY Mag examines why the ice-bucket challenge went viral. You know it’s only a matter of time before we starting seeing headlines about the Great Ice Shortage of 2014.

9. Dave Remembers Robin

David Letterman shared a fond remembrance of Robin Williams during last night’s Late Show. Letterman’s reaction after seeing Williams perform for the first time: “They’re gonna have to put an end to show business because what can happen after this?”

+ Don Pardo has died at the age of 96. You probably know the name. You definitely know the voice. And, for comedians, having him say your name was a really big deal.

10. The Bottom of the News

We judge books by covers. And we definitely judge television shows by their opening title design. Here’s a look at this years Emmy nominations for main title design (and the winner).

+ What’s really the best way to brush your teeth? Hint: It probably doesn’t matter.

+ WSJ takes a look at the real reason we yawn.

+ A Little League coach delivered a nice speech to his team after they lost a big game.

+ Not having a good day at work? Consider Brendan Walsh. He just got done scuba diving in shit.

nextdraft

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