TIME

“Plizzanet Earth” Narrated by Snoop Dogg Is Your New Favorite Nature Show

Grab some gin and juice, sit back, and enjoy

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It’s hard to imagine watching Planet Earth without the sweet, sweet sound of David Attenborough’s silky smooth voice. It’s like the aural version of a scone with butter and jam — how can you beat that? But it turns out Snoop Dogg is pretty excellent as a narrator too. On Jimmy Kimmel Live, the rapper offered some very high-level commentary about some of nature’s greatest mysteries while watching scenes from the popular BBC nature show. For example: “This is a seal. What’s he doing acting like a dolphin?”

Somebody give this man his own nature show, please.

TIME Television

Sharknado 2: Everything You Need to Know Before Watching The Epically Absurd Second One

Get ready for a fin-tastic voyage

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“You know what you did, don’t you? You jumped the shark.”
— Actual line from Sharknado 2: The Second One, as it desperately tries not to jump the shark

If you’re on Twitter come 9 p.m. Wednesday, consider yourself warned. Because literally the only thing the Internet will be talking about is SyFy’s uber-viral, uber-campy Sharknado 2, featuring Tara Reid, Ian Ziering, droves of quasi-celebrity cameos and, of course, a chain saw.

The movie gained more traction than its SyFy brethren Piranhaconda and Sharktopus ever did, and has become a cult classic even for those who have never seen the film. According to USA Today, while only 1.4 million people watched Sharknado’s original airing, a number that grew in subsequent airings, it inspired 5,000 tweets a minute. (We bet Samuel L. Jackson is kicking himself that Twitter was in its infancy during the Snakes on a Plane release).

So if you are jumping on the bandwagon before Wednesday’s premiere, or just need a quick refresher, here’s a crash course in all things Sharknado.

What the first movie was about:
Due to ambiguous reasons (“global warming?” a newscaster guesses) a massive storm and massive influx of sharks have simultaneously hit Los Angeles. Tiger sharks are flying through the windows of Beverly Hills mansions. Hammerheads are eating angry drivers on the 405 freeway. And it is up to one man with the subtle name of Fin Shepard (Ziering) to not only stop an impending Sharknado (which is exactly what it sounds like), but also to reconnect with his estranged wife April (Reid) and kids. His son saves the day by dropping a bomb into the Sharknado. All of our main characters survive, even though two of them were eaten by the toothy predators. (Note to self: When about to enter a shark’s mouth, remember to wield a chainsaw.) Fin and April make out. All is well.

What is the second one about:
Same concept. Different city. The Sharknado has followed Fin and April to New York as they promote their book, How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack. (Available for purchase). Now Fin must use his knowledge to save New York from imminent disaster.

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?
Lots of symbolic destruction:
The Santa Monica Pier ferris wheel was shown rolling down the streets of Los Angeles symbolizing THE END OF FUN in Sharknado. Swap that for the Statue of Liberty’s decapitated head catapulting through New York to symbolize . . . something about the shark’s threat of freedom or something, and we’re all set.

It might be kind of educational:
As we learned in Sharknado: “Tornados happen when cold and hot air meet. If you drop a bomb in it, you just might equalize it.” Because SCIENCE.

It also might be kind of political:
Although the first film didn’t exactly take a stand against shark hunting, it was kind of implied considering a poachers face got eaten by a shark.

Hordes of cameos:
Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath (a.k.a. Sugar Ray) and Judah Friedlander have joined the cast as Finn’s college friend, his brother-in-law and a helpful cab driver, respectively. But there are also tons of quick hits from “stars” who were itching to ride Sharknado‘s viral wave. Watch for Kelly Osbourne, Andy Dick, The Naked Cowboy, Perez Hilton, Al Roker and Matt Lauer, Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, and, of course, Jared the Subway guy, who eats a sandwich as sharks start eating people in a subway. (Get it? He’s eating a Subway sandwich in the subway!)

A total disregard for human life:
The cast of Sharknado appeared totally and completely unphased when a shark would come out of nowhere and rip someone’s leg off. Reid barely batted an eye when her live-in boyfriend was torn apart in the mansion.

Lots of New York “insider” jokes:
Sharknado’s script was riddled with LA jokes including: “It’s just a little water. Typical Californians afraid of the rain;” and “My mama always told me Hollywood would kill me” — right before letters from the Hollywood sign crushes him to death.

Expect gems like this from the sequel: “This is the big apple. Something bites us, we bite back.”

A renewed sense of patriotism:
May we leave you with Fin’s inspiring speech: “They’re sharks. They’re scary. No one wants to get eaten. But I’ve been eaten, and I’m here to tell ya, it takes a lot more than that to bring a good man down. It takes a lot more than that to bring a New Yorker down.”

TIME World

You Can Send Your Child to Summer Camp in North Korea

The camp was started to teach foreigners about the Hermit Kingdom and boasts access to a private beach and water slides

The Associated Press has published photos of opening day at nearly 30-year-old summer camp in North Korea on July 29, 2014.

The Songdowon International Children’s Camp in Wonsan is supposed to help young foreigners (especially from Communist countries) get acquainted with the isolated country, attracting over 300 attendees from Russia, China, Vietnam, Ireland and Tanzania, the AP reports. Charging $270 per child, the government-subsidized camp boasts activities like cooking, volleyball, swimming at a private beach, boating and even access to a water slide. Accommodations include air-conditioned rooms with video games.

In the rest of North Korea, however, millions “suffer from malnourishment and inadequate health services,” according to a UN report cited in a TIME article last year. Due to malnutrition, “a third of children under the age of five show signs of stunting. Because of poor sanitation, diarrhea is a leading killer of children.” So it’s hard to ignore the irony while looking at pictures of “fun” camp activities.

North Korean school girls stand in formation during an opening ceremony for the start of summer activities at the Songdowon International Children’s Camp, Tuesday, July 29, 2014, in Wonsan, North Korea. Wong Maye-E –AP
North Korean girls in similar bathing suits stand under a shower at the Songdowon International Children’s Camp, Tuesday, July 29, 2014, in Wonsan, North Korea. Wong Maye-E –AP
The lobby of the dormitory at the Songdowon International Children’s Camp is painted in pastel colors, Tuesday, July 29, 2014, in Wonsan, North Korea. Wong Maye-E–AP
Students from the Laureat International School in Tanzania walk past a statue of the late North Korean leaders Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, surrounded by children, on the parade square of the Songdowon International Children’s Camp, Tuesday, July 29, 2014, in Wonsan, North Korea. Wong Maye-E–AP
Students from the Laureat International School in Tanzania walk past a statue of the late North Korean leaders Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, surrounded by children, on the parade square of the Songdowon International Children’s Camp, Tuesday, July 29, 2014, in Wonsan, North Korea. Wong Maye-E–AP
Young North Korean girls hold up signboards with the names of participating countries during an opening ceremony at the Songdowon International Children’s Camp, Tuesday, July 29, 2014, in Wonsan, North Korea. Wong Maye-E –AP
TIME

Here’s a Supercut of All of Tom Haverford’s Ridiculous Business Ideas on Parks and Rec

A little something to tide you over until the show returns for its final season

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One of the many excellent running jokes in NBC’s Parks and Recreation is Tom Haverford’s, uh, entrepreneurial spirit. Throughout the series, he comes up with a variety of business ideas, ranging from the actually-kind-of viable to the downright ridiculous. (Okay, most of them are just downright ridiculous.)

The video compiles most of these ideas into one four-minute supercut — and they end up sounding even more ridiculous one after the other. Several appearances by his sometimes-partner Jean-Ralphio make the video even better.

TIME viral

Dear Teens: Please Stop Lighting Yourselves on Fire

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Mark Weiss—Getty Images

The newest viral video trend is literally on fire

Trends change with the seasons, and for America’s Internet-addled teens, there is nothing more trendy than melting skin. Now that the season for tossing boiling water into sub-zero air is far behind us, listless teens have found new ways to critically burn themselves. Betraying a nostalgia for simpler times, some of today’s young adults have returned to the most reliable route to injury in the name of YouTube infamy: dousing your body in accelerant and just straight up lighting yourself on fire.

The Daily Dot reports that videos of teens purposefully engulfing themselves in flames are spreading like wildfire across social media platforms like Vine and YouTube. One Kentucky teen whose video went viral even had to be treated for second-degree burns to his torso.

It is scientifically proven that hormones are extremely flammable even without the help of lighter fluid. This is why it is absolutely crucial for teens to stay away from anything that poses a fire hazard, such as matchbooks or a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

So, kiddos, please step away from the lighter fluid or I will use it to burn this One Direction poster, and you wouldn’t want that now, would you?

TIME animals

Why Do Dogs Sniff Each Other’s Butts? Here Comes the Science

An explainer from the American Chemical Society

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You know when you see an otherwise cute and perfect dog with his nose just straight up buried in another dog’s behind, and you’re just like, seriously, dude, why?

This new video from the American Chemical Society explains the science behind this seemingly peculiar behavior — and why the smell doesn’t overwhelm them.

TIME NextDraft

Meet The Screenagers and Other Fascinating News on the Web

July 29, 2014

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1. Screenage Wasteland

“This is the first time in history kids know more than adults about something really important to society — maybe the most important thing.” That’s how author Don Tapscott describes Generation Z. They are smart, ambitious, entrepreneurial, and extremely tolerant (except when it comes to parents who need tech support). But what really sets Generation Z apart is that they are the world’s first screenagers. While prior generations had to learn to incorporate technology into their lives, this generation was born into a digital world. “The result could well be the most profound generation gap ever: a digital divide between parents who see the Internet as disrupting society as we know it … and their kids, who are not only at home with the technology … but are already driving many of the shifts happening in how we communicate, the way we access information and the culture we consume.” Get ready for Generation Z.

2. Very Bad

WaPo answers questions about the worst Ebola outbreak in history. “How bad is the current outbreak? Bad — very, very bad.”

+ The Economist charts the spread of the disease.

+ “Today the militant group continues to threaten to kill not only vaccinators but also parents who get their children immunized.” How the Taliban in Pakistan could derail polio eradication.

3. Going to Extremes

In The New Yorker, David Remnick provides an overview of state of the conflict in the Middle East and perfectly summarizes its most dangerous and depressing element (and one that seems to be mirrored in various conflicts across the globe): “The most malign and extremist elements within this conflict — Israeli and Palestinian — grow in strength and deepen their conviction that there is no chance of accommodation. Childhood memories of terror and death accumulate, and cripple the moral and political imagination.”

+ Israel intensified attacks on Gaza and Netanyahu warned the military operations could go on for a lot longer.

+ David Ignatius: John Kerry’s big blunder in seeking an Israel-Gaza cease-fire and The Daily Beast on the Kerry-Israel meltdown. (In fairness to Kerry, we’re talking about peace in the Middle East.)

+ “I learned to empathize with the other side. I have friends who live in these places, in the West Bank and Gaza, that I care about, just as I care about Israeli soldiers.” Views on the conflict from a U.S. peace camp that unites Israelis and Palestinians.

4. The Long Shadow

“‘That’s a lie!’ A man leaning against the back wall jolted upright at the last statement. ‘It’s a lie!’ His friends muttered agreement. That’s not what they had heard. If these children had managed to get all the way to the U.S. border, what was to stop them from scaling the convent’s fence?” When it comes to the immigration debate, a heated town-hall meeting is nothing new. But this town-hall meeting was in Syracuse.

+ Almost 70% of Americans view the children crossing the border as refugees, not illegal immigrants.

+ “There’s no denying the impact of this latest immigration wave or the need for more resources. But there’s no crisis.” In the NYT, Veronica Escobar explains why she thinks the border crisis is a myth.

5. Drive Talkin’

“We don’t want a driver to make a profit because then you end up in regulatory issues.” The car-sharing economy in parts of Europe is a little closer to actual sharing thanks to the growth of BlaBlaCar. “What we’re doing is building a massive transport network out of all of these empty seats in cars.” The Bla refers to the part of the program in which you rate yourself on a level of in-car chattiness.

+ People went nuts when they learned that Facebook was altering some feeds in an effort to play with the emotions of users. Tim Carmody examines why they seem a lot less upset that OKCupid messed with their algorithms, photos and text.

6. The Law of Extraction

“Law is the only career I know that has a sub-profession dedicated to helping people get out of it.” The Atlantic on the budding industry devoted to helping people quit the law. Out here in the Bay Area, it seems pretty easy to get someone to quit being a lawyer. Offer them startup equity.

+ Those who quit the law might want to consider a career in collections. It’s a growing market. One in three U.S. adults have debt in collections. (Maybe some of them were just unable to cancel Comcast.)

7. Putin Off the Ritz

President Obama joined European Union leaders in announcing new economic sanctions against Russia, aimed at forcing Putin to end support for Ukrainian rebels. Meanwhile, Putin continues his war on American fast food joints.

8. Tramps Like Us

“Most people think of pharmaceutical research as a highly technical activity that takes place in world-class medical centers. The reality is somewhat different.” Matter’s Carl Elliott goes to Philadelphia to see how the destitute and mentally ill are being used as lab rats.

9. Pricks and Stones

ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith made some remarkably stupid and offensive comments, essentially suggesting that women need to do more to prevent the provocations that could lead to them being beaten by their significant others. What was his punishment? Nothing. In this piece, The Daily Beast’s Marlow Stern is not surprised: ESPN — The worldwide leader in pricks.

10. The Bottom of the News

Victoria Bond spent one day modeling for a stock photo company. That was back in 2003. But she still continues to see herself popping up all over the place.

+ Aeon’s Simon Blackburn ruminates on Narcissus wonders whether you can have self-worth without self-love. (I’ve been having the opposite every day since I was thirteen.)

+ “We think of Dylan in a pantheon of great rock stars, at or near the top of a select list that includes the Stones, Springsteen, maybe U2 … But he behaves much differently.” Bill Wyman wonders: How did Bob Dylan get so weird? (This is just a theory. But it could have been the 60s.)

+ Grover Norquist explains why he’s going to Burning Man. Probably for the same reason everyone else goes. The art, the drugs, and the non-gender specific naked hugging of strangers that lasts a little too long but then is mysteriously forgotten a few hours later.

+ Obesity. Climate change. Rabid consumerism. Looking for something to blame? Try your giant fridge.

+ Paste Magazine: The 50 best documentaries streaming on Netflix.

nextdraft

TIME viral

Adorable 5 Year Old Really Doesn’t Want Her Baby Brother to Grow Up

"I don't wanna die when I'm a hundred!"

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Video of a five-year-old girl from Phoenix, Arizona, sobbing at the thought of her three-month-old brother growing up is going viral on Reddit.

Decked out in a Princess Sofia dress, Sadie wraps her arm around her little brother Carson, kisses his head, and says at one point, “He’s so cute, and I don’t wanna die when I’m a hundred!” Her brother just smiles, clearly amused by it all and loving the attention.

“She’s cried about not wanting to get older herself in the past, but this was the first time she was upset about her brother,” her father Ryan Miller said in an email statement provided by his brother Alex Miller, who uploaded the video to YouTube. “The funny thing is that this was totally out of the blue — we have no idea what prompted it.”

And to show you how devoted Sadie is to Carson, here’s a photo of the girl reading to him:

Courtesy of Alex Miller

WATCH: The Top Moms of YouTube

WATCH: Dad and Daughter Dance to Ariana Grande’s “Problem”

WATCH: Little Girl Breaks Down When Her Parents Surprise Her With a Puppy

TIME viral

Prince Harry Continues The Royals’ Photobombing Streak

His grandmother Queen Elizabeth II went viral for photobombing a selfie a week before this photo was uploaded to Facebook

Prince Harry is giving two thumbs up in the background of this photo uploaded to Facebook last night, Monday, July 28, by former Olympic boxer Trevor Shailer. Shailer (center) was sitting with fellow New Zealanders, Sir Gordon Tietjens (left), who coaches the country’s men’s rugby team, and Gary Hermansson (right), a sports psychologist.

His grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, went viral last week for photobombing an Australian field hockey player’s selfie at the games.

At this point, photo-sharing sites should just add a “Royal treatment” filter so everyone can insert their favorite member of the royal family into their selfies.

(h/t Mashable)

 

 

TIME celebrity

DMX Goes on a Ruff Ryde at the Amusement Park

He pretty much loses his mind (up in here, up in here)

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When DMX isn’t busy crashing wedding parties or soundtracking videos of llamas prancing, he’s screaming his face off on amusement park rides. The folks over at TMZ took great care to edit out X’s many, many expletives — but the beauty of this video isn’t really in the words. It’s in the grunts.

(h/t Vulture)

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