TIME public apologies

It’s Time for Celebrities To Apologize—For All Their Apologizing

Henry Rollins
Henry Rollins Ben Horton—WireImage

Can we please stop embarrassing ourselves by pretending these apologies mean anything and admit they are simply a bloodless way to satisfy our bloodlust?

I am disgusted with Henry Rollins. How could he be so insensitive? What he said about Robin Williams was extraordinarily offensive and hurtful. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in free speech, but the things he said were way over the line. He definitely owed everyone an apology.

Okay. Thanks for indulging me. I just wanted to see what it felt like to actually write those things: fairly shallow and ridiculous, as I expected. But it seems like if you want attention in 2014, all you need to do is demand an apology from someone, for something.

The predictable cycle of outrage and apology is Western Civilization’s newest craze. Since Robin Williams’ suicide, Todd Bridges has apologized for calling it “a very selfish act”; Shepard Smith has apologized for having the nerve to question whether it made Williams a coward; Rollins apologized for his opinions on suicide in general; Gene Simmons has gone back and apologized for things he said about depression and suicide in an interview that had nothing to do with Robin Williams whatsoever.

All four of these men made the critical error of giving opinions on suicide that didn’t fit a polite narrative. Which in 2014 means each of them must bow their heads and apologize—or suffer the witch-hunt consequences of having an unpopular opinion. Questioning or criticizing someone’s decision to commit suicide is not insensitive or unfeeling. It’s a part of the open and honest and difficult conversation we claim to want.

We cannot continue to delude ourselves into thinking we value such conversations when what we really value is publicly flogging anyone who contributes something to the conversation that we find disagreeable. Or—brace yourselves—offensive. For a country that claims to want an open dialogue, and to treasure free speech, we sure seem to enjoy mob justice against people who give an opinion contrary to the one we are comfortable hearing. Instead of physically beating someone to death, we feign shock, outrage and emotional anguish, until the person (or more likely the publicist) breaks down and begs our forgiveness.

Can we please stop embarrassing ourselves by pretending these apologies mean anything to anybody and own up to the fact they are simply a bloodless way to satisfy our bloodlust? Why exactly is it such a social crime to talk about the selfish nature of committing suicide? Why do people respond to such points by angrily stating how much pain the individual was in? Can’t both opinions be valid? Being in pain and behaving selfishly are not mutually exclusive.

I am not an expert in depression or suicide. What I know about suicidal feelings comes only from what I’ve experienced, not case studies or statistics. But I can tell you what it’s like to look over the edge of a cliff and convince yourself that jumping is the only option. In those moments, I saw only my own pain and was convinced that I would be doing nothing more than wiping a valueless person off the face of the earth.

Just because I was in pain doesn’t mean I wasn’t also thinking selfishly. That’s not to say that anyone who commits suicide is selfish, but it’s an observation one shouldn’t be crucified for making.

Which brings me back to apologies. Our cultural obsession with them isn’t about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I’m sorry.” It’s not really about right or wrong. It’s about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

In the increasingly deafening and constantly morphing conversations on social media, it becomes more and more impossible for an individual and his or her opinions to stand out or to be heard. Going on Twitter or Facebook to gently voice dissatisfaction about something that someone said garners the same results as walking into a New Year’s Eve party and muttering to yourself in the corner. No one hears you or cares; it’s the ultimate form of social emasculation. It feels small and helpless.

But if you can get a few people at the party to scream with you at the same time, the rest of the people, who are enjoying themselves, will be forced to stop their revelry and take notice. And if, God forbid, you loudly announce you’ve been wounded, not only will everyone forget what they were saying and focus all of their attention on you; they will rally around you. They’ll listen to you. And most importantly, they’ll want to punish whoever hurt you.

No longer will you be the quiet person in the corner who has to live with the fact you heard something you didn’t like, you’ll be the one everyone is listening to and responding to and paying attention to.

Yet your offense at someone’s opinion should not be a precursor to further action. “I don’t like what you just said,” should end with a period, not a semicolon. When a celebrity offers a prescribed public apology, I feel nothing for them, and strangely embarrassed for the rest of us for requiring it. Even those of us who didn’t encourage the groveling are at best complicit because we watched the vultures circle instead of making some sort of effort to shoo them away.

We have become a country of voyeurs and rubberneckers who love nothing more than provoking a situation solely for the gratification of eliciting a response, then we convince ourselves we’re outraged so we can stand and watch the fire burn. A mouth full of broken teeth has been replaced with a tearful mea culpa in front of a bank of microphones.

The onslaught of fake outrage and insincere apologies is doing nothing to make our society a more compassionate, forgiving or understanding place. We are simply being trained to doubletalk and lie to avoid trouble. If we can’t think of a good lie or acceptable middle ground, we are taught to play it safe or say nothing at all.

And that makes me truly sorry. For all of us.

TIME Music

Nick Jonas: I Want a Career Like Elvis Presley

Nick Jonas
Nick Jonas rehearses in Los Angeles for his new self titled album on August 22, 2014 in West Hollywood, California. Gabriel Olsen—Getty Images

Also: his new single was inspired by a time when another guy was looking at his girlfriend's ass

Nick Jonas is redefining himself this year. The musician and actor, formerly one-third of the Jonas Brothers, will unveil an R&B-inspired solo album this fall and stars on Kingdom, a gritty TV drama about martial arts fighting. For the series, which premieres October 8 on DirectTV and also stars Frank Grillo, Jonas bulked up and learned how to fight, focusing intently on creating a role that showcased a more dramatic side of his acting abilities. His album is equally sincere, but not quite as serious, a collection of songs that reveal a new side of Jonas as a musician.

The self-titled album features collaborations with Mike Posner, Angel Haze and Demi Lovato. TIME caught up with Jonas at his management’s Los Angeles office, where he and his live band have been rehearsing the new material.

TIME: Is your new album finished?

Nick Jonas: Yeah, we’re finished. Just working on liner notes and album art now, which is the fun part. The plan is actually to roll right into another [album]. I want to get it started and ready to go hopefully in the next month or so. The mentality was to take the new way of releasing music, which is to just always have something out. It feels like a good plan.

Did you go into this album with a vision for the music?

I did. I came in really wanting to make a record that was different from anything I’d done in the past, but that was true to my influences: Stevie Wonder, Prince, Bee Gees. And then, more recently, The Weeknd and Frank Ocean. That whole vibe of alternative R&B/pop. It just fell into a really natural place really early. To the point where we were six songs in, like, “Oh, we have a record taking shape.” I came in really sure of what I wanted to do.

What did you want to say on the album lyrically?

I think that fear was a big thing in the songs I was writing. The song “Jealous” — the root of that is fear. A song called “Nothing Will Be Better” has fear at the forefront. In a lot of ways, as an artist you’re best way to free yourself of whatever it is that’s bothering you or causing the fear is to just write and get it all out. I tried to do that. I think I said a lot. I made myself uncomfortable at times in what I was saying, which I think is good. I wanted to make the kind of record that left the audience with more questions than answers. I think the best art does that. Hopefully the second installment answers some of those [questions].

You said the album poses a lot of questions. What do you think is the most significant question it asks?

One of the biggest questions is, “What is it you fear and why do you fear it and how does it affect you?” For me, it was fear of the unknown, fear of my next steps, fear of making bold choices. In creating the music and feeling free in that way, I think the questions were answered and the fear was gone. I feel really good now!

What do you think was the boldest choice you’ve made with your solo career?

Just starting it. That was pretty bold. That took a lot just to get to that place where I could have that conversation and roll it out from there. And I really did push myself to step outside of my comfort zone and work with people that I’d never worked with before. I’d become really selective with who I worked with, and I think that limited me in a lot of ways. Trying to open my mind up to new people and new collaborators was a big thing.

What’s your goal for your career overall going forward?

My goal is to be the kind of performer that can be in movies and television shows, like the show Kingdom I’m doing now. Be in that and have a career in that, but also do my music. Both are a form of my artistry and it’s a shame that sometimes you’re limited to one. A lot of people feel like you have to focus on one at a time, but I want to be greedy and do both. I hope I can. I look at people like Elvis, who did both, and it was amazing. There’s a million examples of people who have made the transition from one to the other, but I’d love to be able to do both and make an impact in both.

How did you get the role in Kingdom?

Once the [Jonas] Brothers and I finished that chapter, I met with the team and said, “I want to make acting a priority.” I took a bunch of meetings. There were a lot of obstacles to overcome, trying to make a transition to things that were grittier and had heavier subject matter. There were a lot of “no”s. I kept working hard and finally got in for this show, which is a big reach. But they said my work was great, and the role was mine. It was a big win. It’s very intense. It’s heavy. It was about an hour drive to set every day and I was so thankful for that ride because on the way home I needed an hour just to turn on some classical music and clear my head because it was really heavy stuff.

Do you know yet if it will get a second season?

We don’t know yet. We literally finished last Tuesday. We’ll probably find out after the first week.

You clearly got really fit for the role. How did you prepare physically for playing a fighter?

I’ve gotten pretty into physical fitness this last year. Getting to the gym more, eating healthier. I really enjoyed that and when I got this role the goal was to put on 15 pounds of muscle. Just to have an animalistic aesthetic and feel. These fighters have a very specific physicality so it was about trying to capture that. I worked with a trainer here in LA and did the fight training on top. I was on a really strict diet plan that had me eating about 4,500 calories a day, just getting huge.

So you actually learned how to fight?

I did, yeah! It was really amazing training. We worked with this guy Joe Daddy Stevenson, who is a famous fighters himself. We did a bootcamp with him for a couple of weeks and really got in the mind of the fighters. We all built up our own reasons why we, as our characters, were fighting.

Have you personally ever been in a fight?

No. Growing up with brothers, you push each other around and wrestle a little bit. Now they don’t really touch me, because I actually know how to handle myself.

How do your brothers feel about you pursuing your own career?

Any kind of transition, when you come from a family set up both in a band and also the extension of that, is going to be complicated at first. Luckily we’re all in a place now where we’re all doing what we want and what we love. That’s where it needed to be. So Kevin is with his family and enjoying that, and Joe is starting to work on some music projects and some DJing stuff. It feels like a really good time in all of our lives.

When you look back at the Jonas Brothers do you feel like that music represents you as an artist?

Yeah, I think so. We really tapped into a moment in pop culture that was band oriented. When we broke through it was on the back end of the pop-emo takeover. When we came into that our pop-rock sound fit. It was organic to who we were. We were writing all those songs. It was important to us then. And now, looking back on it, are there things I would have done a little differently? No, I don’t know that I would have. It was who we were then and each moment as an artist is that moment. You have to continue to grow and that happens over time.

Can you tease anything about your upcoming single “Jealous”?

The night before [we wrote it] I was out with my girl and this guy looked at her ass while we were out. I was all hyped up on the fighting I was doing. I was had to be like, “Okay, let’s stop for a minute.” Not only was I frustrated that he was disrespecting me like that, but also, I could actually take care of this situation. I got really passionate about it. I realized that jealousy was something that I was harboring so I wrote this song about it. It’s a fun song so it’s ironic that it came out of a situation that made me so angry. I love the song. The video is really special. I think it’s the best video I’ve made.

So instead of fighting people you’ll just write songs about them?

Yeah, that’s better. Make art, not war, right?

TIME celebrities

Watch Laverne Cox Dance Like Nobody’s Watching During Beyoncé’s VMAs Performance

She really needs to be in Bey's next video

While Blue Ivy was doing some tasteful head-bobbing during Beyoncé’s VMAs performance, actress Laverne Cox was just rocking out.

While everyone around her sat quietly enjoying the show (including Kim Kardashian), the Orange Is the New Black star was on the next level. Up on her feet, waving her arms, wiggling her hips and singing along to “Blow,” it’s clear that she was having a better time than pretty much anyone in the audience.

Best. Ever. Cox is basically saying: All hail Queen Bey.

We hope Cox and Beyoncé become besties really soon (if they aren’t already) so Cox can star in Bey’s next music video and so Bey can make an appearance in an OITNB episode. Bey, if you’re out there, make it happen.

TIME Video Games

Video-Game Makers: Lohan Sued Us for Attention

Lindsay Lohan At 'Weisses Fest 2014'
Lindsay Lohan attends a press conference during 'Weisses Fest 2014' on July 26, 2014 in Linz, Austria. Monika Fellner/Getty Images

Lindsay Lohan's lawsuit says Grand Theft Auto V uses her image, voice and styles

(NEW YORK) — The makers of the “Grand Theft Auto” video games say Lindsay Lohan sued to get attention when she asserted the games’ latest installment features a character based on her.

In Manhattan court papers made public Tuesday, Take-Two Interactive Software Inc. and subsidiary Rockstar Games call the case frivolous and maintain it was “filed for publicity purposes.” They want it dismissed and want the “Mean Girls” star to pay their legal fees.

Lohan’s lawyer didn’t immediately return a call seeking comment.

Lohan sued in July over “Grand Theft Auto V.” Her suit says the game uses her image, voice and styles and evokes her via a character named Lacey Jonas.

Take-Two says her voice, name and likeness aren’t used, and the character resembles her only in being a young, blonde woman.

TIME celebrities

WATCH: 2014 Emmys Red Carpet Time Lapse

See them sparkle and shine this Emmys

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Just one night after the VMAs, another red carpet was put to use Tuesday night, this time at the Emmys, with more celebrities decked out in their usual finery.

According to People, Sofia Vergara wore a white Roberto Cavalli dress with silver lining (she later displayed said dress when she was infamously put on a pedestal during the show). Kerry Washington, Uzo Aduba, and Julia Roberts are also shown in the video above and feature dresses by Prada, Christian Siriano and Elie Saab.

[People]

TIME Opinion

How to Reclaim the F-Word? Just Call Beyoncé

Beyonce performs onstage at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards at The Forum on August 24, 2014 in Inglewood, Calif.
Beyonce performs onstage at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards at The Forum on August 24, 2014 in Inglewood, Calif. Jason LaVeris—FilmMagic/Getty Images

Beyonce’s brand of empowerment isn’t perfect, but her VMA performance on Sunday accomplished what activists could not: She took feminism to the masses.

Militant. Radical. Man-hating. If you study word patterns in media over the past two decades, you’ll find that these are among the most common terms used to talk about the word “feminist.” Yes, I did this — with the help of a linguist and a tool called the Corpus of Contemporary American English, which is the world’s largest database of language.

I did a similar search on Twitter, with the help of Twitter’s data team, looking at language trends over the past 48 hours. There, the word patterns were more simple. Search “feminist,” and you’ll likely come up with just one word association: Beyoncé.

That’s a product of Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards, of course, in which the 33-year-old closed out the show with an epic declaration of the F-Word, a giant “FEMINIST” sign blazing from behind her silhouette.

As far as feminist endorsements are concerned, this was the holy grail: A word with a complicated history reclaimed by the most powerful celebrity in the world. And then she projected it — along with its definition, by the Nigerian feminist author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie — into the homes of 12 million unassuming Americans. Beyoncé would become the subject of two-thirds of all tweets about feminism in the 24 hours after her appearance, according to a data analysis by Twitter, making Sunday the sixth-highest day for volume of conversation about feminism since Twitter began tracking this year (the top three were days during #YesAllWomen).

“What Bey just did for feminism, on national television, look, for better or worse, that reach is WAY more than anything we’ve seen,” the writer Roxane Gay, author of the new book, Bad Feminist, declared (on Twitter, naturally).

“HELL YES!” messaged Jennifer Pozner, a writer and media critic.

“It would have been unthinkable during my era,” said Barbara Berg, a historian and the author of Sexism in America.

Feminism may be enjoying a particular celebrity moment, but let’s just remember that this wasn’t always the case. Feminism’s definition may be simple — it is the social, political and economic equality of the sexes, as Adichie put it — and yet its interpretation is anything but. “There was only about two seconds in the history of the world in which women really welcomed [feminism],” Gail Collins, The New York Times columnist and author of America’s Women once told me in 2010, for an article I was writing about young women and feminism. “There’s something about the word that just drives people nuts.”

Over the past 40 years in particular, as Berg explains it, the word has seen it all: exultation, neutrality, uncertainty, animosity. “Feminazi” has become a perennial (and favorite) insult of the religious right (and of Rush Limbaugh). In 1992, in a public letter decrying a proposal for an equal rights amendment (the horror!) television evangelist Pat Robertson hilariously proclaimed that feminism would cause women to “leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

Even the leaders of the movement have debated whether the word should be abandoned (or rebranded). From feminist has evolved the words womanist, humanist, and a host of other options — including, at one point, the suggestion from Queen Bey herself for something a little bit more catchy, “like ‘bootylicious.'” (Thank God that didn’t stick.)

It wasn’t that the people behind these efforts (well, most of them anyway) didn’t believe in the tenets of feminism — to the contrary, they did. But there was just something about identifying with that word. For some, it was pure naiveté: We were raised post-Title IX, and there were moments here and there where we thought maybe we didn’t need it. (We could be whatever we wanted, right? That was the gift of the feminists who came before us.) But for others, it was a notion of what the word had come to represent: angry, extreme, unlikeable. As recently as last year, a poll by the Huffington Post/YouGov found that while 82 percent of Americans stated that they indeed believe women and men should be equals, only 20 percent of them were willing to identify as feminists.

Enter… Beyoncé. The new enlightened Beyoncé, that is. Universally loved, virtually unquestioned, and flawless, the 33-year-old entertainer seems to debunk every feminist stereotype you’ve ever heard. Beyoncé can’t be a man-hater – she’s got a man (right?). Her relationship – whatever you believe about the divorce rumors – has been elevated as a kind of model for egalitarian bliss: dual earners, adventurous sex life, supportive husband and an adorable child held up on stage by daddy while mommy worked. Beyoncé’s got the confidence of a superstar but the feminine touch of a mother. And, as a woman of color, she’s speaking to the masses – a powerful voice amid a movement that has a complicated history when it comes to inclusion.

No, you don’t have to like the way Beyoncé writhes around in that leotard – or the slickness with which her image is controlled – but whether you like it or not, she’s accomplished what feminists have long struggled to do: She’s reached the masses. She has, literally, brought feminism into the living rooms of 12.4 million Americans. “Sure, it’s just the VMAs,” says Pozner. “She’s not marching in Ferguson or staffing a battered woman’s shelter, but through her performance millions of mainstream music fans are being challenged to think about feminism as something powerful, important, and yes, attractive. And let’s head off at the pass any of the usual hand-wringing about her sexuality — Madonna never put the word FEMINIST in glowing lights during a national awards show performance. This is, as we say… a major moment.”

It’s what’s behind the word that matters, of course. Empty branding won’t change policy (and, yes, we need policy change). But there is power in language, too.

“Looking back on those early days of feminism, you can see that the word worked as a rallying cry,” says Deborah Tannen, aa linguist at Georgetown University and the author of You Just Don’t Understand, about men and women in conversation. “It gave women who embraced [it] a sense of identity and community — a feeling that they were part of something, and a connection to others who were a part of it too. Beyoncé’s taking back this word and identifying with it is huge.”

Bennett is a contributing columnist at TIME.com covering the intersection of gender, sexuality, business and pop culture. A former Newsweek senior writer and executive editor of Tumblr, she is a contributing editor for Sheryl Sandberg’s women’s foundation, Lean In. You can follow her @jess7bennett.

TIME Television

Emmys 2014: The Winners, The Losers and Everything in Between

Give it up for TV, everyone!

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As you may have noticed, the 2014 Emmys were held on a Monday night in August. While the show’s host, Seth Meyers, expects you to believe that this means the Emmys are on the brink of cancellation (after all, how can they be expected to compete with Bachelor in Paradise?), the truth is that NBC knows we’ll watch any awards show at any time, because awards show are The Best (even when they’re on at the same time as Bachelor in Paradise). As Meyers pointed out in his opening monologue, television is “the booty-call friend of entertainment” — and we’re all willing to take the call.

Here’s what happened during the 2014 Emmys:

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy: While Amy Poehler tried to convince viewers that she was handing out the award for “Best Onscreen Orgasm in a Civil War Re-enactment,” in fact, she was simply handing yet another trophy to Ty Burrell for his work on Modern Family. Then he delivered a speech so unfunny that Poehler almost took it back and gave it to herself.

Girls vs. The New Girl: Allison Williams, who Meyers was contractually obligated to mention will play Peter Pan in NBC’s new musical, was forced to present with Zooey Deschanel in some sort of Girls death match. It was Louis C.K., though, who collected his sixth prize for Best Writing for a Comedy Series.

Biggest Show Stealer: Jimmy Kimmel took his two minutes on stage to show Meyers how hosting is done, calling out Matthew McConaughey for rudely winning all the awards (“Should we just give you the BET Award for Best Male Hip Hop Artist too?”) and generally cracking the audience up with solid charisma.

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy: As expected, Allison Janney took the prize for Mom. She hit the stage wrapped in head-to-toe velvet, in what one can only assume was a stylish tribute to George Costanza.

Best Directing in a Comedy Series: Even with Louis C.K. and Jodie Foster in the running, Modern Family’s Gail Mancuso won. She made the most of her moment on stage, making determined eye contact with McConaughey in the least creepy way possible before getting rightly played off the stage while talking about her parents’ 66th wedding anniversary.

Billy Eichner for 2015 Emmys Host: Meyers teamed up with Billy on the Street star Billy Eichner to run around the streets of New York and yell at people. In the five-minute break from boredom, they took up a collection for the cast of Big Bang Theory, talked about The Mindy Project’s and Tatiana Maslany’s snubs, and tried to get people on the streets of New York to name one Emmy nominee.

Best Male Lead in a Comedy Series: The delightful pairing of Bryan Cranston and Julia Louis-Dreyfus presented the Best Actor in a Comedy prize and because life (and awards shows) has no meaning, Jim Parsons beat out Louis C.K. and William H. Macy for the honor. Parsons is good, but he’s not that good. No one is. He handled the win in the classiest way possible, because even he seemed shocked that he won. Again.

Best Female Lead in a Comedy Series: Louis-Dreyfus took the crown again, because if she was good enough to win it twice, why not a third time too? As Selina Meyer knows, it’s hard to beat an incumbent.

Best Moment of Television History: During their presentation, they had a running gag that Louis-Dreyfus couldn’t remember that Cranston was a guest star on Seinfeld and that the two even made out on camera. On her way to the stage to collect her prize, Cranston rushed the stage and swept her into a deep kiss, until she finally remembered. Presumably it will win the prize for Best Miniseries at next year’s Emmys.

Best Reality Series: It’s unclear why networks insist on submitting shows to this category since The Amazing Race has won every single year since the category was created. Maybe next year for Dancing With the Stars — if, you know, The Amazing Race gets canceled.

Outstanding Writing in a Dramatic Miniseries or Movie: Steven Moffat won for Sherlock, not only because he is a talented writer, but because a) he is British and everyone loves a British accent and b) his show stars Benedict Cumberbatch and no one stops Benedict Cumberbatch from winning everything (including the entire Internet).

Best Actress in a Miniseries: With bona fide movie star Julia Roberts competing in the field, it was a welcome surprise that Kathy Bates won for her work on American Horror Story: Coven.

Biggest Sign That You’re Not Watching the VMAs: The bladder-leakage ads that air during the broadcast.

Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries: Scott Bakula Quantum Leap-ed into the Emmys telecast to give the award to Martin Freeman for Sherlock, because it was the only way that Bakula could correct the error of the past after Freeman didn’t win an Oscar for Love Actually.

Best Director Dramatic Miniseries: They’re just making up the categories at this point, but still, everyone was thrilled that Fargo won something, even it was a category that typically only industry professionals care about.

Lead Actor in a Miniseries: Poehler and Meyers worked through some material before introducing “the two actors not rumored to be starring in the second season of True DetectiveWoody Harrelson and McConaughey, who showed up on stage wearing nearly matching outfits, making a few cracks about plagiarism and citing their inside jokes. They were on hand to deliver the prize for lead actor in a miniseries, which went to Cumberbatch for his Ice Bucket Challenge (O.K., fine, Sherlock). But since the world would probably implode if McConaughey and Cumberbatch were on stage at the same time, Cumberbatch wisely stayed home. For the good of the universe. He’s like that.

Best Fixers: Liev Schreiber and Kerry Washington presented together, giving hope to the possibility of a Scandal/Ray Donovan crossover, which, of course, would be amazing.

Best Lead Actress in a Miniseries: Jessica Lange won for her role in American Horror Story: Coven, because she is wildly talented, already has a few Emmys and might actually be a witch. That is enough for the voters this go-around.

Sad Fact: Throughout the show, as Meyers keeps inviting his talented and funny friends on stage with him (Poehler! Samberg! Hardwick! Key and Peele!), it becomes increasingly clear that all his friends are better than him at hosting the show.

Best Musical Interlude: Since every Emmys telecast needs a musical moment and Meyers doesn’t typically sing, they wisely conscripted “Weird Al” Yankovic to spice up some television theme songs. Highlights include pointing out that Jon Hamm is still Jon Hamm regardless of an Emmy win, that President Grant on Scandal was in Ghost, “Inigo Montoya grew a beard” for Homeland, and, of course, that the unspoken theme for Game of Thrones is “We need more scripts! Write them faster!”

Best Crossover: Andy Samberg dressed as Joffrey Baratheon to crash Lena Headey’s introduction for best miniseries, demanding to know why she didn’t love him as much as she loved Uncle Jamie.

Best Miniseries: Fargo deserved the win, but here’s the weird thing: Fargo is a miniseries with 10 episodes, while True Detective is a drama with eight episodes. In short: none of it makes a lick of sense and Sarah Silverman is doing it right.

Best Intro: “The only person from ER to ever amount to anything — Julianna Margulies!” Second best intro: “Let’s all do our best Ricky Gervais impression by giving a big round of applause to Ricky Gervais!”

Best Movie: Ryan Murphy’s The Normal Heart took the prize, which is actually a surprise, because it looked like Sherlock was going to sweep despite the fact that it was the worst installment of an otherwise stellar series and the small fact that it’s not a movie.

Best Pre-Gaming: Silverman won Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special for We Are Miracles and delivered an impressive, seemingly off-the-cuff speech ending with this gem: “We are all molecules hurtling through space.” When you remember that she showed up on the red carpet with liquid THC, it all makes more sense.

Through the Looking Glass: When the man who directed the Tony Awards show wins an Emmy while directing the Emmys, it’s way too meta.

Best Mashup Opportunity: Gwen Stefani misspoke when she announced the award for Best Variety Series, calling The Colbert Report the Colbort Report. Someone should mash up Colbort and Surbort and make the Stephen-Beyoncé love child of our dreams.

Best Crashing: When Stefani miffed it, Jimmy Fallon took the opportunity to grab the Emmy and the mic before Stephen Colbert could take his rightful place. Colbert expertly trolled him, though, letting him be his mouthpiece and almost getting him to say bulls—t live.

Best Supporting Actor: Aaron Paul got the award, and it’s hard to argue that he doesn’t deserve it, but Peter Dinklage, Josh Charles, Mandy Patinkin and Jon Voight all did incredible work, and if life were fair, the statuette would move from home to home like the Stanley Cup.

Most Sexist Moment: The president of the television industry (or something) had Sofia Vergara step up on a spinning pedestal so we could all objectify her. Don’t worry — there’s a GIF so you can objectify her at home.

In Memoriam: The annual sad parade was a brutal reminder of all the talent we lost this year including Paul Walker and Maya Angelou, who probably never expected to be in a sentence together, along with Casey Kasem, Meshach Taylor, the Professor from Gilligan’s Island, Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Ann B. Davis, Eli Wallach, Shirley Temple, and so many more. It’s unclear whether Vergara had to spin the entire time.

Saddest Tribute: Robin Williams was given his own in-memoriam moment with Billy Crystal coming out to memorialize his friend, whom he called “the brightest star in the comedy galaxy.” It was moving, heartfelt and longer than 23 seconds.

Outstanding Multi-Hyphenate: Director-Writer-Cinematographer Cary Joji Fukunaga took the best-director prize for his work on True Detective. Fun facts: his first job in Hollywood was working as a PA on the video for Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor,” he was also a pro snowboarder and, in fact, he is not Riff Raff.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama: As expected, Anna Gunn won for Breaking Bad. Guess everyone doesn’t hate Skyler White after all.

Best Product Placement: After an ad for new show State of Affairs, the show’s star Katherine Heigl appeared on stage to announce Best Supporting Actor and Actress in a Drama. Prizes were given offstage, but Janney won for Masters of Sex and Joe Morton for Scandal.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama: Margulies won for her excellent work on The Good Wife and went on stage to point out that it is a wonderful time for women on television (Vergara notwithstanding).

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama: Cranston completed the Breaking Bad sweep of the Emmys. He graciously got on stage and admitted that even he considered voting for McConaughey.

Least Surprising Awards: Modern Family won for Best Comedy and Breaking Bad won for Best Drama. At this point it seems clear that NBC is actually running the 2013 Emmy broadcast, and we’re all a part of a reboot of Punk’d.

MORE: The 2014 VMAs: The Good, the Bad, the Beyoncé

MORE: See the Best Red-Carpet Moments From the 2014 Emmys

TIME celebrities

Sarah Silverman Brought Liquid THC to the Emmys

She put her clutch to good use

+ READ ARTICLE

Silverman says she doesn’t drink, but she’s managed to find other ways to keep herself entertained at tonight’s Emmy Awards. On the red carpet, Silverman retrieved what she said was liquid THC from her purse, showing it to an E! correspondent. When she was interviewed by NBC, she said that she had brought marijuana.

Silverman was nominated this year for Outstanding Writing in a Variety Special for the HBO Comedy Special Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles but lost to The Colbert Report.

TIME Television

See the Best Red Carpet Moments From the 2014 Emmys

Watch as Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox and other celebrities arrive on the red carpet throughout the night

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