TIME celebrity

Ellen DeGeneres Plays Anastasia Steele in Hilarious Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Parody

Christian Grey has finally found his soul mate.

Sultry, sexy, steamy. Those are all adjectives people use to describe mega-hit Fifty Shades of Grey. But those are not words normally associated with talk show host Ellen DeGeneres — until now.

DeGeneres just unveiled her own part in the erotic bestseller turned Hollywood film on her show Ellen, and it’s a winner. While Fifty Shades claims to have cast Dakota Johnson as the film’s wide-eyed lead, Anastasia Steele, DeGeneres revealed that it’s all been a ruse, and she is actually the star of the film and has the trailer to prove it.

In the clip, DeGeneres stares balefully at the film’s charismatic and chiseled male protagonist, Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan), as she interviews him in his austere offices, watches him play piano and kisses him on the streets of Seattle. With just one glance at DeGeneres as Anastasia Steele, it’s clear that poor, troubled Christian Grey has finally met his true soul mate—as long as she gets the popcorn off her face.

MORE:

Check Out the New Photo From the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

Here’s the Frozen and Fifty Shades of Grey Mashup Nobody Asked For

TIME viral

YouTube Stars Destroy Things You Hate in New Web Series SmashUp

“If you could destroy anything, just smash it to bits, what would it be?”

If your id had a Web series, SmashUp would be it. The YouTube show, created by Astronauts Wanted, will feature Vine and YouTube stars smashing things to smithereens. The items to be demolished will be crowdsourced via Twitter, where viewers can suggest their most detested objects with the hashtag #SmashUp.

Scotty Sire, The Gabbie Show, Vincent Cyr and Kaitlin Witcher — whose names will only mean something to you if you follow social media celebrities — will star in the series, channeling their inner vandals to destroy such divisive items as Crocs and a Furby. Presumably, the objects they destroy will be physical, although smashing up intangible concepts (intolerance, the wage gap) would be even more impressive.

It’s unlikely to hold viewers’ attention for very long, assuming the smashing of objects won’t be connected by any kind of narrative thread. But a vicarious bout of wreaking rageful havoc, without actually destroying any of your possessions, could be a nice way to unwind from a stressful day.

The destruction begins on Dec. 1.

TIME Advertising

No, Budweiser Isn’t Ditching Its Tear-Jerker Clydesdales Ads for ‘Jay Z and Zombies’

"Straight from the horse’s mouth: The Budweiser Clydesdales are here to stay"

What’s the only thing that will make you cry harder than Budweiser’s tear-jerker “Puppy Love” ad, in which a golden retriever and a Clydesdale horse form an interspecies friendship, set to a bittersweet Fleetwood Mac song? Reports that the beer titan is ditching its heartwarming Clydesdale campaign for Jay-Z, zombies, and other millennial-grabbing ephemera.

In a Monday piece about Budweiser’s reported millennial problem — 44% of 21-27 year-olds have never tried a Budthe Wall Street Journal reported that the company’s iconic “Clydesdales are out” and that “February’s Super Bowl ads will feature something more current than last year’s Fleetwood Mac.”

Luckily for you nostalgia lovers, that is actually not the case.

“Let me be clear,” Budweiser VP Brian Perkins said in a statement emailed to TIME. “Straight from the horse’s mouth: The Budweiser Clydesdales are here to stay and will continue to play a central role in our campaigns, including holidays and Super Bowl.”

Budweiser sent TIME its new holiday ad, which melds millennials and Clydesdales, which can be viewed above.

This isn’t just good news for puppy lovers. It benefits Budweiser, as well.

Currently clocking 53 million YouTube views and counting, “Puppy Love,” made by ad agency Anomaly, was a the most viral ad of the Super Bowl. And according to Unruly Media’s measurements, three of the four most shared Super Bowl ads of all time starred the Budweiser Clydesdale’s. (This includes “Puppy Love,” “Brotherhood,” and its 9/11 tribute.)

Co-founder and chief operating officer of Unruly Media, Sarah Wood, told TIME that when it comes to driving sharing and brand metrics, “It’s the strength of emotional connection, and the goal for all savvy advertisers in 2015 should be valuable virality.”

But if millennials aren’t drinking Budweiser, does the fact that the ads get shared even matter?

Let’s look at it this way. According to a 2014 Unruly report analyzing Super Bowl ad statistics, not only didn’t ads with celebrities drive online sharing, but they also didn’t provide for brand recall.

You might remember that Ben Kingsley was in a Super Bowl spot, but do you remember that he was selling a Jaguar? Chrysler might have made a beautiful ad starring Bob Dylan, but according to Unruly, only 7% of people who watched the ad realized that it was for Chrysler.

Budweiser’s Clydesdales, on the other hand, boasted 89% consumer recall.

“We are excited to see exactly how much the Clydesdales can still touch the hearts and minds of our passionate fan base,” Budweiser’s Perkins says. “There have never been any plans to remove our beloved Budweiser Clydesdales from our brand identity. In fact, we can confirm they will return to the Super Bowl in 2015.”

Of course, if Budweiser wanted to have Jay-Z and Beyoncé come in riding the Clydesdales in an upcoming tear-jerker Super Bowl ad, we won’t complain.

Here are some past Clydesdale Super Bowl ads:

TIME celebrity

Watch Jennifer Aniston Prank a Reporter

No talking points here

Jennifer Aniston has been promoting her film Horrible Bosses 2, in which she plays a so-called dirty dentist sexually harassing one of her employees to the brink of insanity.

One of the stops on her press tour was at BBC Radio 1, where she and reporter Chris Stark are well known to each other after an adorably awkward interview with Stark went viral. (Stark is known for charmingly inept interviews—he famously almost asked Mila Kunis out on a date during the press tour for Oz the Great and Powerful.)

This time around, though, the interview with Aniston doesn’t go nearly as smoothly. In fact, it’s awkward and uncomfortable, and Aniston seems downright offended as Stark asks her seemingly harmless questions about her character and her dating habits.

That’s because, unbeknownst to Stark, Aniston is working with Scott Mills, one of his BBC Radio 1 coworkers, to pull a prank on the young reporter. It worked.

Read next: Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow Curse Each Other Out on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

TIME celebrity

Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow Curse Each Other Out on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

@#$*

There was a mini-Friends reunion on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, but no one was very friendly.

Former Friends co-stars Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow were both guests on Kimmel’s show as Aniston was making the rounds to promote her new film Horrible Bosses 2 and Kudrow was celebrating her comeback on The Comeback.

However instead of a joyful reunion between former cast mates, Kimmel pitted them against each other in a vicious war of words called “Celebrity Curse Off.” Each actress was given five seconds to come up with a jaw-dropping vulgarity until one of the women failed to deliver a fittingly shocking return volley.

If you can read between the beeps — and Aniston went Greek at one point – it’s an X-rated foray into diabolical language, with Kudrow getting a boost thanks to her teenaged son’s vocabulary.

Read next: Watch Jennifer Aniston Prank a Reporter

TIME viral

Watch: George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush Caught on Kiss Cam

No one can escape from the Kiss Cam

Former President George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara Bush, were watching the Houston Texans play the Cincinnati Bengals when they were called out on the Kiss Cam. No one—not even a former president—can escape from the Kiss Cam, so America’s former first family knew that while they weren’t on the football field, they still had to play ball.

Once they realized they were on camera, the Bushes fulfilled their responsibility and shared a kiss.

It’s not the first time a former president has been featured on that Kiss Cam. Last year, George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, appeared on it as well.

MORE:

George H. W. Bush: What I’m Thankful For

All The President’s Socks: The Top 13 Pairs Worn by George H.W. Bush

TIME Advertising

Watch the Sexist PlayStation Ad Sony Quickly Pulled From YouTube

Perpetuating all your least favorite stereotypes

Sony quickly and quietly pulled a PlayStation ad from its European YouTube account this weekend that bears a greater resemblance to soft-core porn than it does to a commercial for a piece of hardware.

“I know you’ve already done it today, and I bet you really enjoyed yourself, ” a sexy female British doctor coos, shortly prior to climbing on top of her office desk — you know, like serious doctors often do. “How many times did you do it yesterday? Are you afraid you’re doing it too often? In your bedroom under the blankets? Or perhaps you prefer the kitchen or the toilet? Or do you like it in the garden?”

The innuendo-laden ad is for a Remote Play feature rather than, well, you get the idea. While the world is used to blatantly sexist ads at this point, the Sony one is particularly depressing. And that is because, as the Verge puts it, “Sony might be trying to do a halfway good thing here.”

The ad ends with the revelation that the sexy doctor parody is actually a gamer, too. “You can even join me,” she says with a wink before pulling out her own gaming device.

But is the way to show that women also like to play video games to treat them as a sexualized fantasy for teenage boys?

While the ad is no longer on Sony’s official account, other YouTubers, however, have posted it.

Although Sony didn’t immediately respond to TIME’s request for comment, the ad does fall in line with past campaigns reportedly from 2012:

This isn’t the first video game ad that uses sexual innuendos. Business Insider references an XBox 360 ad that uses a similar “Everyone is doing it” mantra:

Somehow this new one feels different.

TIME viral

Here’s the Nelly-Bee Gees Mashup You Never Asked For But Can’t Stop Listening To

It's stayin' hot in here.

There are many mysteries about the Internet: Who created Bitcoin? Will we ever figure out the secret behind black holes? What’s with the Markovian Parallax Denigrate? One other mystery that no one seems to be able to crack? What makes a video go viral?

Take for example this mashup of Nelly’s “Getting Hot in Here” with The Bee Gee’s Saturday Night Fever classic, “Stayin’ Alive.” The video, appropriately called “Stayin’ Hot,” was created in 2011 by LobsterMashups and while the Internet usually revolves on a steady diet of the latest and greatest, yesterday the mashup sat on Reddit’s front page all day and is still near the top today, even though the video is so three years ago.

If we’re engaging in Internet archaeology, check out this video mashing up the same track from The Bee Gees with AC/DC’s “Back in Black.”

TIME Bizarre

Let Kim Kardashian’s Butt Help You Study for the SATs

Kim Kardashian Paper Magazine
Jean-Paul Goude—Paper

Can you calculate the area of this booty?

For most teens, studying for the SATs is a major bummer. But it doesn’t have to be. The people behind test preparation company Catalyst Prep believe in the educational utility of a healthy sense of humor. In an effort to meet teenagers in the bubble of reality TV and social media in which they exist, the company tweeted last week, “As patriotic, pop-culturally-minded Americans, we couldn’t help but see Kim Kardashian’s recent photos as an opportunity to teach SAT math.” They proceeded to cook up some of the most culturally relevant geometry lessons the Internet has to offer.

Catalyst placed Kardashian’s famous backside at the center of several word problems. One challenges students to calculate a perimeter:

Another focuses on angles:

And a third explores the relationship between area and diameter:

For all that’s been written about the photos — that they’re bereft of meaning, indicative of larger issues around representations of black women or simply images of a woman in control and having a good time — it’s now safe to say that the butt that nearly broke the Internet is serving at least one purpose for good.

TIME

J.K. Rowling Reveals Her Dream Job If She Weren’t A Writer

Dream job alert

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling won Twitter today by revealing the career she would have adopted were she not a hugely successful writer:

Potter fans will likely recognize the significance of her choice. The Patronus, the result of a defensive spell that channels a wizard’s positive feelings, of main character Hermione (who Rowling has said is based on her younger self) is an otter.

But just in case case Rowling is looking for a second job, we would like to point out that some China Zoos are hiring for panda nannies. Just think of the bedtime stories she’d tell them.

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