While the Dancing with the Stars is normally just a bedazzled and be-Spanxed excuse for D-list celebrities to squeeze 15 more minutes of fame out of one last drop of notoriety, week five's Dancing with the Stars has an extra sprinkle of desperate celebrity magic. This week, the regular ole ballroom transformed into The Most Magical Disney Cross-Promotion Ever.
That's right. It's Disney night. Meaning that all the songs are culled from Disney movies so that the ABC mothership can save a bundle on royalties. Clap if you believe in corporate synergy!
To help mark the occasion, noted dance enthusiast and Mirrorball Trophy winner emeritus Donny Osmond returned to the ballroom, waving around his Disney bona fides and reminding the world (and the Oscar committee, those fools) that he voiced Shang in Mulan and sang that film's "I'll Make a Man Out of You."
Oh, and in case you forgot, he's Donny Osmond, which makes him a suitable judge in any ball-and-or-courtroom.
Anyway, here's what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Best Bergeronism: After last week's big partner swapping switcheroo, host Tom Bergeron kicked things off this week with a now-stale Gwyneth Paltrow joke: "We're doing some conscious recoupling." Har.
How "Convenient": We have Walt Disney to thank for the Osmonds. All of them. The totally-not-cryogenically-frozen Disney overlord discovered the Osmond brothers himself. And the legend** was born.
**of the amazing technicolor dream coat.
Drew Carey and Cheryl Burke: The duo was tasked with dancing a quickstep to "Friend Like Me" from Aladdin, with Drew as Aladdin, Cheryl in Jasmine attire, and an uninvited third wheel in the form of Robin Williams' Genie appearing on our screens (that ole Disney magic again!). Len Goodman declared that "the performance had zip, but the technique was doo-dah." High five, Len, for making a classy, subtle reference to a racist movie that is officially banned in the United States. The rest of the judges handed out 7s, adding up to 28/40.
Charlie White and Sharna Burgess: Due to Sharna's surprising visual similarity to Julie Andrews, she and Charlie had no choice but to jazz dance to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from Mary Poppins. The routine was fast-paced and custom built for Charlie's unnerving and incessant upbeat attitude. Both Bruno Tonioli and Donny Osmond declared it a "fantastic performance" (yes but was it supercalifrantastic?) despite the fact that Charlie dropped his cane mid-routine. Len was not troubled by the cane SNAFU and declared the routine "eye poppin" ("Eye Poppins" is the B-list horror movie remake of Mary, bee tee dubs), and handed out his first 10 of the season. 37/40
Danica McKellar and Val Chmerkovskiy: The reunited couple danced a fun and light quickstep to the Beauty and the Beast song "Be Our Guest," with Danica as Belle and Val as a Beast, with his shirt firmly (sadly) buttoned. Carrie-Ann Inaba was so moved by the dance that she got up and gave Danica a huge hug. Donny made sure to mention that he played Gaston on Broadway. 39/40
Amy Purdy and Derek Hough: For the first time in the competition, Amy cried in rehearsals because dancing without feet is hard, just in case you didn't realize that. To help her understand how incredible she is, Derek dressed her up like the Cinderella to his Prince Charming and took her for a waltz across the dance floor. Who cares what the judges have to say, because some animated mice were cheering in excitement. Self-appointed lift cop Carrie-Ann noticed a lift or two, but wouldn't deduct a point from Amy due to her "unique circumstances," despite the fact that Amy said she wanted to be judged like everyone else. 37/40
Cody Simpson and Witney Carson: After finding out that they were in jeopardy of being eliminated (despite Cody's oft-mentioned 6.5 million Twitter followers), Witney and Cody decide to samba to Simba (or Simba to samba?). Witney choreographed a dance to The Lion King's "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" and forced Cody to wear what looked like Hammer pants. Carrie Ann "felt the power of Cody" and Bruno apparently did too, as he was about to say something naughty, but stopped short as Cody is only 17-years-old. 34/40.
Nene Leakes and Tony Dovolani: The duo is in jeopardy after last week's switch, but if they do get sent home, at least it will be after the world has had the chance to see Nene dress up as Cruella De Vil, try to make a fur coat out of some animated dalmatians and dance a foxtrot to "Cruella De Vil" from 101 Dalmatians, surely causing her Real Housewives costars to spit-take their cosmos. Their foxtrot caused Donny to swear on live TV and made Nene inexplicably burst into tears. 36/40, which is her highest score yet.
James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd: Peta and James must have won some serious thumb wrestling competitions to beat out the other couples for the chance to dance to Frozen's "Let it Go" (you know Candace Cameron Bure has some Elsa routines already worked out). Bruno declared the dance a "contemporary blockbuster" and not just because of the song. Carrie Ann cried throughout the entire performance and anointed it "absolute artistry" and the contemporary number managed to melt even Len's cold cold heart. 40/40, the first perfect score of the season.
Meryl Davis and Maks Chmerkovskiy: Maks thinks he will never be able to show his face in Brooklyn again after dancing a samba to The Jungle Book's Louis Prima classic "I Wanna Be Like You," which he performed clad only in what looked like a red diaper. I say, Brooklyn will embrace him. The routine (or, more likely, Maks' attire) gave Bruno "jungle fever" (sigh...). Carrie Ann used her table time to deliver a one-line pitch for another installment of the Human Centipede franchise: "You dance like you're part of one body!" 36/40.
Cameron Candace Bure and Mark Ballas: After placing last in last week's competition, Candace has realized that she actually wants to be in this competition. To show that she means it, she straps on some over-sized modesty shells and gets crabs. Okay, she's not that dedicated. Instead she dresses up like Ariel from The Little Mermaid and sambas with Mark's Sebastian the crab. 35/40
The Bottom Three: Based on last week's scores and fan votes, the three contestants holding down the bottom of the leader board are Nene, Candace and Cody. Nene is announced safe right off the bat.
Who Went Home? Teen dream Cody is going home. Apparently his star is not as bright as he thinks it is or his Twitter followers are spambots who can't vote in this country (yet).