TIME Comedy

Watch Louis C.K. Take On Babies and Gay Marriage in His New Stand-Up Special

The comedian has a few thoughts about babies.

Louis C.K.’s new stand-up special isn’t available yet, but you can watch the first four minutes of “Live at the Comedy Store” now.

The four-minute clip revolves around everyone’s favorite airplane companions: babies. After a recent travel experience, C.K. finally figured out why so many babies spend their time on airplanes crying. The cause? According to C.K., “they are upset because gay people are getting married.”

To be clear, C.K. doesn’t agree with their temper tantrums, because love is love and babies are selfish. “I think if people are in love, they should get married,” he clarified. “But they can’t accept that. They’re just being babies.”

As he has done for the past few years, the comedian is making his latest comedy hour available to stream and/or download on his website for just $5.

[Via Uproxx]

TIME Television

The Bachelor Watch: Prince Farming Goes Camping With Cinderella

ABC

Chris' sisters arrive to put their animal-husbandry skills to the test

Welcome back to The Bachelor, which for better or worse, is now 100% Jimmy Kimmel–free. The noted comic and talk-show host has abandoned us in a sea of Ashleys and bikini-clad blondes that we still can’t be bothered to tell apart. This week, Chris has called for a lifeline, and his three sisters are descending upon the show to sift through the women, thin the herd and choose a suitable companion for Chris to take on a date. All their 4H animal-husbandry experience will undoubtedly come in handy.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

Group Date: A date card arrives that ominously tells the women, “Let’s do what feels natural.” The wording inspires a frantic montage of panicked women adjusting their weaves, gluing on lashes and generally freaking out about the slight possibility that they might have to be seen without makeup. Luckily for the women, Chris has no interest in seeing them go au naturale, but instead wants to see how the women fare in nature. They load into cars, head to a lake and start romping in Chris’s general vicinity. Some of them take the date cards wording to heart and go “natural” by stripping down for some pants-free swimming.

Unhappy Camper: The only person not having fun on the date is Kelsey, who is complaining about the lake’s turbidity, the women’s moral turpitude and generally how much she hates being outdoors in California. That’s when Mother Nature strikes back and sends a bee to smite her.

Overnight Date: Unfortunately for Kelsey, the date turns into a camping trip, which gives Ashley I. the opportunity to point out that she is a “camping virgin” and also “a virgin camping.” Chris and his harem sing camp songs, drink and talk about their feelings.

Bachelor Milestone: Someone is accused of being “fake.” The women are increasingly suspicious of Kelsey because she doesn’t like camping or nature, but does like Chris, so tries to put on a good face whenever he’s around. Sometimes people just hate camping, because camping is basically historical re-enactment and just not for everyone.

Bachelor Milestone: Kaitlyn accuses Ashley S. of “not being here for the right reasons,” but not because Ashley has an ulterior motive, but because she has no idea where “here” is.

Date Rose: Ashley I. is convinced that she has extra special chemistry with Chris, so it comes as a real surprise to her when he gives the date rose to Kaitlyn. When Chris heads off to his tent for the night, Ashley joins him, but just to talk about the fact that she’s never had a real boyfriend before. Then they make out.

The Date Card: Back at the Maudlin Mansion, Chris’ sisters have arrived to grill the women: “How are you in relationships? Do you wear the pants?” “Are you going to move to Iowa?” “Do you like farms?” There are a lot of fake smiles, fake answers and real nerves all around. To meet the future in-laws, Jillian wore another black bar of shame over her bikini-clad behind. The three sisters love Whitney, whose blonde good looks fit right in with the family and could fulfill all of Chris’ sister-wife fantasies. Carly, the cruise singer, cries in front of the blonde squad about how she’s never found love before, but really likes Chris. “I want his affection,” she interviews, before awkwardly finishing, “I want him to be like my grandpa.” Um, Carly? I think that’s a different reality show.

The First Date: The sisters choose Jade to accompany Chris to a royal ball that ends at the stroke of midnight, which is as charming as a Disney cross-promotion gets. Before the date, her fairy godmothers show up to get her ready for the ball — and make all the other women jealous. Ashley I. is so jealous that she is giving all the evil stepsisters rolled into one a run for their money. Ashley’s jaw is on the floor, and her mouth is in the gutter when she finds out that Jade gets to keep the glass slippers as well as some Neil Lane diamond earrings (although Ashley would have begged for the matching belly ring too). Before Jade can make it to hair and makeup, we get to (have to) sit through a clip from the new Cinderella movie. Finally, Jade’s white Rolls rolls right over Ashley I.’s heartbroken corpse as she heads to the ball. While Ashley I. is the squeakiest wheel, Kaitlyn’s Costco date is looking especially shabby right now.

The Royal Date: Chris claims he is thrilled his sisters chose Jade — although it’s easy to suspect that he couldn’t actually pick her out of a lineup of comely brunettes. After Jade makes it through the harrowing trial by fire of descending a giant staircase while wearing high heels, they have a lovely, quiet dinner date, and Jade doesn’t once make a relationship metaphor out of walking down stairs. They chitchat about life in the Midwest, and Chris gives her the Date Rose. Meanwhile, Ashley I. tries to turn a pumpkin into a party van by putting on a pretty pretty pink dress, pouring a glass of champagne and eating the saddest piece of corn on the cob in the world while she waits for mice and birds to come fix her hair.

Bachelor Milestone: Private concert. Back on the real princess date, Jade and Chris make out while awkwardly dancing in front of the Los Angeles Chamber Orchestra. As the clock strikes midnight, Jade leaves Chris pondering his future and her giant glass slipper.

Second Date: The next day, the remaining six women are given wedding dresses (they don’t match or anything, because that would be weird) and invited to “get dirty” on their dates. They are then shoved into an airplane and airlifted to a Mud Run in San Francisco. Britt, Carly, Whitney and Nikki, a former NFL cheerleader who may have just gotten lost at the airport and wandered onto the airplane accidentally, are determined to win the date with Chris. They hike up their wedding dresses, hit the obstacle course — and all resoundingly lose to Jillian.

One-on-One Date: Jillian spends her entire dinner conversation with Chris talking about herself and her interest in sports and love of competition. Chris interviews that while Jillian talks, her words blend together and flow over his head, and he starts to dream of unicorns and fairies. As Jillian gets a brutal narcissist edit from the producers, Chris tells the camera the obvious fact that he doesn’t think he and Jillian have a romantic connection. He finally breaks it to her: he’s looking for a wife, and she’s not it. She tries to talk him out of it, but he won’t take it back even when she cries.

The Cocktail Party: Now that Jillian was sent home, things are getting really real for the women, and the quest for alone time at the cocktail party turns into a high-stakes competition. It’s just too bad Jillian’s not here to enjoy it. Megan “kills it” (if she does say so herself) during her alone time, while Ashley I. uses her stolen moment to make sure Chris really, really understands that she is a virgin. As she breaks the news, Chris tries and fails to play it cool, straightening his tie and swearing that he “respects it.” Ashley starts crying when Chris doesn’t immediately start making out with her after the big reveal. As she sobs, she tells a small audience of women that she is a virgin and Becca shrugs, “Samesies.” She’s a virgin too, but is completely comfortable with her decision and doesn’t feel the need to tell everyone about it. As Ashley rethinks her life choices, Britt uses her time to grill Chris about his interest in Kaitlyn. Chris has a hissyfit and snerks at all the women that he is here for the right reasons and if the women all take their clothes off while he’s around he can’t help it.

The Rose Ceremony: Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses. Whitney, Carly and Megan get the first three roses. Samantha, MacKenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I. all get their flowers, and the final rose just sits there. Britt doesn’t have a rose because she is being punished for daring to question Chris’s integrity — or, you know, her audacity to treat this like it’s an actual dating show where you’re allowed to ask somebody a few questions.

Who Went Home: Ashley S. drifts off into the night, a brunette who probably accidentally wandered in from craft services returns to her day job, and Juelia, who had the horribly tragic story of her husband’s suicide days after their daughter’s birth, is sent back to her daughter.

TIME Parenting

This Place Just Made it Illegal to Give Kids Too Much Screen Time

Excess screen time is now considered to be the equivalent of smoking, drinking and using drugs.

Taiwanese parents are now legally obligated to monitor their children’s screen time.

Taiwanese lawmakers approved the “Child and Youth Welfare and Protection Act,” which expanded existing legislation to allow the government to fine parents of children under the age of 18 who are using electronic devices for extended periods of times. The law follows similar measures in China and South Korea that aims to limit screen time to a healthy level.

Citing health concerns, the Taiwanese government can fine parents up to $1595 ($50,000 Taiwanese Dollars) if their child’s use of electronic devices “exceeds a reasonable time,” according to Taiwan’s ETTV (and Google Translate). Under the new law, excess screen time is now considered to be the equivalent of vices like smoking, drinking, using drugs, and chewing betel nuts.

The new amendment doesn’t spell out exactly what time limits should be set on electronic devices (which are called 3C products in Taiwan), but says parents can be held liable if their children stare at screens for so long that its causes them to become ill, either physically or mentally, as Kotaku reports. While that should be O.K. for children angling for 15 more minutes of Minecraft, it’s unclear what is considered “reasonable” under the law— or how the Taiwanese government plans to regulate or monitor screen time.

According to Kotaku, so far the response to the legislation has been negative—which it undoubtedly would be in the U.S. as well—with Taiwanese citizens citing privacy concerns.

There are some parents however, who might welcome a little help prying their children’s eyes off screens. Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention issues, behavioral problems, learning difficulties, sleep disorders, and obesity. Too much time online may even inhibit a child’s ability to recognize emotions, according to a study by the University of California, Los Angeles. Despite these risks, as technology increasingly becomes a part of modern life, children are spending more and more time in front of screens. A recent study found that in the U.S. 8-year-olds spend an average of eight hours a day with some form of media, with teenagers often clocking in at 11 hour a day of media consumption. A 2013 study by Nickelodeon found that kids watch an average of 35 hours a week of television.

So how much is too much screen time? According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children under the age of two should have no screen time at all. Entertainment screen time should be limited to two hours a day for children ages 3-18, and that should be “high-quality content.” Common Sense Media, a San Francisco-based non-profit, has suggestions for setting up a “media diet” that works for your family.

TIME family subscribers can read our in-depth report on Raising the Screen Generation here. And don’t forget to sign up for Time’s free parenting newsletter.

TIME Videos

Watch Rowlf Sing Biz Markie’s ‘Just A Friend’ to Miss Piggy

Even Muppet dogs get put in the friend zone.

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date, but she was smitten with your little green friend Kermit? Welcome to the friend zone, Rowlf.

Biz Markie’s 1989 riotous rap classic “Just A Friend” gets a Muppet-themed remix video by Mylo the Cat and it’s the perfect thing to watch on a Monday afternoon (or if you’re snowed in thanks to winter storm Juno).

In the video, Rowlf, the piano-playing Muppet dog, sings about his love for a certain blonde pig, who has a thing for a frog, but swears he’s just a friend.

By the end of the song, though, it’s clear that Rowlf tragically learned his lesson to never talk to a pig who says she just has “a friend.”

[via Laughing Squid]

TIME Music

Sam Smith to Pay Tom Petty Songwriting Royalties for ‘Stay With Me’

Sam Smith
Matt Sayles—Invision/AP

Smith's hit was influenced by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' "I Won't Back Down"

Sam Smith’s “Stay with Me” was one of the biggest hits of 2014. So big that Tom Petty heard the tune and noticed something: it was substantially similar to his 1989 classic “I Won’t Back Down”.

Petty’s lawyers approached Smith’s team; Smith then agreed to give Petty and singer-composer Jeff Lynne (best known for his work in ELO) a 12.5% songwriting credit for influencing his song. According to a source who spoke to The Sun, “After it was pointed out to Sam’s camp, they didn’t try to fight it and amicably dished out royalties. It wasn’t a deliberate thing, musicians are just inspired by other artists and Sam and his team were quick to hold up their hand when it was officially flagged.”

Smith’s rep told Rolling Stone that “the likeness was a complete coincidence” and that though they were “not previously familiar with the 1989 Petty/Lynne song, the writers of ‘Stay With Me’ listened to ‘I Won’t Back Down’ and acknowledged the similarity” and “all involved came to an immediate and amicable agreement.”

According to The Sun, Smith and Petty actually settled out of court back in October, but details only emerged this weekend. The song’s credit on ASCAP has been amended to now include Petty and Lynne, along with Smith, William Phillips, and James Napier as the chief songwriters. Considering that “Stay with Me” has already sold six million copies, Petty and Lynne should expect a sizable sum from the deal— although, as Rolling Stone points out, it’s unclear whether Petty and Lynne were retroactively compensated or if they’ll only be entitled to future earnings for the songwriting credit.

Smith’s situation is not unusual. Songwriters are often “inspired” by other people’s music, frequently unconsciously — such as the famous example of the melody of George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord,” which a court found was subconsciously copied from The Chiffons’ “He’s So Fine”. Artists ranging from Rihanna to Green Day and The Doors have all been accused of borrowing from other artists. (See 11 Suspiciously Sound-Alike Songs, here.) Petty himself has been accused by fans of borrowing lyrics from The Replacements after the band opened for him on tour.

However, it’s rare for an artist to admit to borrowing an idea like Smith seems to have done. To wit, the “Blurred Lines” copyright trial that pits Pharrell and Robin Thicke against Marvin Gaye’s family is set to begin next month, while Led Zeppelin is battling it out in court over similarities between “Stairway to Heaven” and Spirit’s “Taurus.”

Despite settling with Petty, Smith’s legal troubles haven’t come to an end. The singer is still embroiled in a lawsuit with Disclosure, who have been accused of stealing lyrics to some of their hit songs, including “Latch”.

Neither Smith’s nor Petty’s responded to a request for comment at time of publication.

Listen to the tracks below and see if you can spot the similarities:

Sam Smith – “Stay with Me”

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – “I Won’t Back Down”:

TIME Music

Watch The Decemberists Sing YouTube Comments on Jimmy Kimmel

Who knew the comment section could provide musical inspiration?

The Decemberists released a new album, What a Terrible World, What a Beautiful World, this week and to mark the occasion, they made an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Instead of performing one of the songs off of their new album, though, the band took a page out of Kimmel’s playbook and turned to the Internet for inspiration, composing original songs based on YouTube comments. The result was something like Kimmel’s Celebrities Read Mean Tweets series, but set to a catchy tune.

Topics for the songs ranged from deep thoughts on the 2015 State of the Union address to deeper thoughts on Justin Bieber. Comments from “Kim Kardashian’s Plastic Surgery Transformation,” cute pandas wrestling, some hungry kittens waiting for dinner and a 2005 MIT commencement address providing additional musical inspiration.

 

TIME Videos

Go Nuts With These 7 Cute Videos for Squirrel Appreciation Day

Squirrel mania

One of life’s greatest ironies is that Squirrel Appreciation Day comes in the dead of winter when many squirrels are hibernating, which makes them harder to appreciate (but easier to juggle). Luckily we live in the age of the Internet and we can appreciate their adorable antics any time we want.

In honor of Squirrel Appreciation Day and the world’s fuzzy, nut-loving little friends, here are some of the funniest squirrel videos around:

While human children think merry-go-rounds are a blast, this squirrel has given up on his dream of resuming his normal life:

This squirrel is doing an impression of anyone who made the grave error of signing up for a pole dancing class:

This squirrel is either having a blast—or regretting ever decision it’s ever made to get to this point in its life:

Here’s a flying squirrel who mistook a bird feeder for an all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet:

This squirrel ate some fermented pumpkins, which is basically a squirrel kegger:

Here’s a water-skiing squirrel, who has more skills than animals with opposable thumbs:

It’s hard to say who is more confused in this video—the Bernese Mountain dog or the squirrel trying to bury his nut in the dog’s fur:

 

TIME Television

Watch Keri Russell Crush Jimmy Fallon at Flip Cup While Wearing Giant Inflatable Suits

The talk show host does not mess around when it comes to games

Jimmy Fallon never takes it easy on the celebrities that stop by The Tonight Show. Whatever game he has put together — be it arm-wrestling with Liam Neeson, playing Catch Phrase with Jennifer Lopez, waging a Water War against Chris Hemsworth or squaring off against Emma Stone in a Lip Sync Battle— Fallon is in it to win it.

It was no different last night when Keri Russell stopped by to talk about The Americans, her FX show that begins its new season Jan. 28 . Fallon challenged the actress to a round of frat house favorite game flip cup, but there was a twist. The two faced off over a row of beer-filled party props while wearing inflatable suits, leaving nothing but tears and a trail of flipped cups in their wake.

Russell was determined, but Fallon has a competitive streak.

TIME U.S.

Police: College Basketball Player May Have Died From Choking on Chewing Gum in Her Sleep

The community at California University of Pennsylvania morns the loss of a bright student and talented player

Shanice Clark, a 21-year-old student and basketball player at California University of Pennsylvania, was found dead in her off-campus apartment over the weekend, and California, PA, police say preliminary reports from medical personnel about what appears to be an accidental death indicate Clark may have aspirated chewing gum while sleeping, the Associated Press reports. The exact cause of death will come from the autopsy, the results of which were not “immediately released.”

Clark was found by her roommate after falling out of bed early Sunday morning, according to WPXI. Clark was unresponsive and taken to a local hospital where she was pronounced dead an hour later.

Dr. Karen Hjerpe, the California University of Pennsylvania athletic director, said in a statement: “Our heartfelt sympathy goes out to the family and friends of Shanice Clark. Shanice was a bright student and talented player. Her smile and personality will be missed.”

 

 

TIME celebrity

Justin Bieber Will Be Roasted on Comedy Central

The network has caught Bieber fever.

It’s official: Justin Bieber will be roasted on Comedy Central. The network announced Tuesday that Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber will tape in Los Angeles at a date and time still to be determined, though it already has a hashtag, #BieberRoast.

“Justin has been asking us for a few years to roast him, and we just kept telling him to go create more source material first. We’re thrilled he listened,” Kent Alterman of Comedy Central said in a statement. In a remarkably similar choice of words, Bieber tweeted out the news:

The fact that Bieber was tasked with creating more “source material” for the roast, does raise the specter of whether all of Bieber’s behavior (beef! drag races! spankings! drugs! monkeys!) has just been part of his effort to give Comedy Central the source material they were seeking. Perhaps Bieber is displaying Andy Kaufman levels of commitment to the task.

Over the weekend, he proved he could take a joke after he tweeted “Well played. LOL.” in response to the send-up of his new Calvin Klein ads by Saturday Night Live actresses Kate McKinnon (as the pop star) and Cecily Strong (as the female model).

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