Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Andi Dorfman's journey to love leads her through an Axe-sprayed Scylla and a spray-tanned Charybdis venting their issues on prime time on a two-hour special where the men tell all.
According to host Chris Harrison, Andi wracked up more "I love yous" than any contestant in The Bachelor's history. She left a lot of heartbreak in her wake, but before she can be toasted and roasted by the detritus she left behind, Chris has a surprise for the viewing audience who, apparently, "won't believe this will be on TV, but it is." With that warning, ringing in your ears, here's what happened on The Bachelorette, "The Men Tell All":
Nothing Is Sacred: Before the men can tell all, Bachelorette Ashley and her prize, JP, are on hand to announce that they are pregnant. But that's not all! In a Bachelor first — and by that they mean an all-new low for a show that has made a weekly ritual of throwing nearly nude strangers into hot tubs together — Ashley and JP are going to find out if they are having a Bachelor or a Bachelorette on live TV. To expedite the process, Ashley has a hole cut in her maxi dress and the ultrasound technician douses her with gel right there on stage and they broadcast the ultrasound onto the monitors. And? It's a bouncing baby Bachelor! Bigger question: Are they really this desperate for attention? Or did they sign airtight contracts denying them privacy for the rest of their lives or, perhaps, are we all truly on this journey together?
Accent Scarves Are All the Rage With the Reality Star Set: When the men are paraded into the set, they are all wearing accent scarves, and it's hard to tell whether it's a joke or they are just a very fashion-forward crowd.
It's a Toss-Up for Mr. Congeniality: Marquel and Farmer Chris got the biggest cheers from the crowd.
The Producers Really Want Us To Watch Bachelor in Paradise: Not only did they show five extra-long commercials filled with bikinis, tears, sirens and Drama with a capital D, but they also brought some of the cast members to the show to sit in the audience and smile prettily like we won't see them tearing each others' hair and hearts out in a few weeks. Chris Harrison did his part by asking both Marcus and Marquel if they would like to find love "in paradise" with an almost straight face.
Silence Is the Best Policy: As the men rehashed whether or not Andrew made a racist comment, Andrew mangled his own defense by seemingly mixing up the show's two lone men of color, saying he "really appreciated how Ron handled " the situation, when, in fact, it was Marquel. It's like he somehow managed to hit bottom and started digging.
Marquel Should Be the Bachelor: While it's unlikely to happen, as he was cast on The Bachelor in Paradise, Marquel would have been an incredible and charismatic Bachelor. During his moment on stage with Chris Harrison, Marquel admitted that he thought Andi friend-zoned him, but in hindsight realized that he didn't take enough initiative with Andi. Then he handed out his now trademark black-and-white cookies to the audience. Forget The Bachelor, Marquel for President!
Marcus Is Still Sad: He teared up watching his own highlight reel.
Farmer Chris Is the Best: He's chiseled, charming, upright and downright mature. If he's not the next Bachelor, he should be the spokesmodel for FarmersOnly.com.
The Audience Is Crazy: A woman — who was undoubtedly planted in the audience by the producers — interrupts the Chrises' conversation, storms the stage and introduces herself to Farmer Chris. Chris Harrison shrugs and goes along with it, asking the woman — who claims she came alone to the show all the way from Toronto — if she wants to go on a speed date with Farmer Chris during the commercial break. She says heck yeah and gets comfy on the couch in her tiny romper and high, high heels.
The Lie-Detector Results Were Not Destroyed: During a group date in Italy, the men had to take a lie-detector test. Andi destroyed the results, though, but the producers saved a copy. Turns out that three men lied during their tests: Marcus, Dylan and Josh. Marcus claimed he slept with fewer than 20 women, which was a lie. Dylan said he prefers brunettes, which is not true. He also lied about the fact that he's ready for marriage. What did he not lie about? That he doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. He claims to use hand sanitizer instead, but tiny bottles of Purell are going to be hard to see in his Tinder profile.
Bloopers Are Still the Best: We learned that Coach Brian has a fear of pickles, Andi uses nose spray, a group date rose once got stuck on a silver tray and Farmer Chris does not know how to say "confident."
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Andi's dad finally makes his triumphant return to television to slap some sense into Nick, Josh and, hopefully, Andi as she tries to decide between Josh, who makes her feel "happy and hopeful," and Nick, with whom she had an "immediate connection and attraction."