The Importance of the Friend That Gets Other People Together

Every year, for the fourth of July, my friends and I gather for an event called “The Corona Olympics.” Although we’re no longer quarantining, we’ve kept the original name of this casual sporting event; it reminds us how lucky we are to be able to gather freely. The annual party involves games, barbeque, a winner’s ceremony, and several silly speeches. Because of all the props we use (water guns, hula hoops, blindfolds, etc.) it’s more complicated than most hangouts. But fortunately, we have one member of our little group who always steps up to the plate.

“If I didn’t do it, who would?” asks Emma. “Plus, if I arrange things, I know for sure that I will get to see all my friends.”

My friend Emma identifies as a “gathering friend.” You know the type: they’re the person who throws the dinner parties, sends invites for the park picnic, texts everyone movie showtimes, and knows which bar will be best for a quick round of happy hour drinks. They can act as a fulcrum for fully formed friend groups or as a collector of strays. They’re not necessarily the life of the party but they bring events to life. They’re not always women, though as Emma points out, there is a gendered component to this role. “Women often do this kind of emotional labor, which planning certainly is, and sometimes, it’s physical labor also,” she says.

Talking to Emma about our friend group, I became more aware of how valuable the gatherer friend is—and how my perception of friendship might need a serious update.

I identify as an “island friend,” a term that originated online to describe a person who prefers one-on-one socializing. I’ve long valued my independence, self-reliance, and seclusion. I am a writer, after all. And while I have no plans to change my entire personality, there appears to be plenty of evidence that my island status is doing me no favors.

Historically, I’ve kept a core group of friends since high school. But even though I’ve always attend Emma’s parties, I typically find myself falling into intimate conversations in corners, often with the same people. I’m not unsociable; I just notice that I tend to gravitate towards prolonged, intense engagements over quick catchups.

Read More: What Makes a Friendship Last Forever?

The gatherer friend, on the other hand, may perform a lot of extra labor, but at the end of the day, their efforts come with real rewards. “My mom, growing up, never had a cohesive family,” explains Emma. “So for her, her friends became her family. That was something she took a lot of pride in. She could be the matriarch in a chosen family. It made our home a gathering place, as you know. Everyone was welcome there.” Emma recalls watching people come over when she was a kid, seeing them walk straight to the refrigerator, and open the door, and “fish around for something to eat.”

It was a sign that guests felt right at home. “You still do that!” she exclaimed. (She’s right; I do.) 

According to researchers, having a mixture of strong and weak social ties is key to living a healthy, happy life. It’s good to have friends that you can call and cry to, but it’s equally important to have friends who can pull together a big group hangout. “There’s four different types of social support that people tend to study,” explains clinical psychologist Karmel Choi from Massachusetts General Hospital. These four categories are “emotional” (someone who listens to you), “informational” (someone who dispenses advice), “instrumental” (someone who can be called on to help in a pinch), and “positive interactions” (someone who is just a dang good hang). “Our research shows that the more types you have on board, the better,” says Choi. “It’s not usually one person who fills all these roles.”

Choi cautions against “pigeon-holing” relationships. While I like to pat myself on the back for providing good emotional support (one of my oldest friends jokes that I’m his best therapist), these skills shouldn’t be put into a hierarchy. It’s just as important to show up for people and answer their questions—and party with them in person.

It’s funny that, in thinking about Choi’s caution not to “compartmentalize other people,” I realized that I had been doing that to myself. I had been so used to thinking of myself as an intense talker, a good-in-a-crisis kind of girl, that I had forgotten the significance of everyday gestures of warmth. A well-rounded friend is one who shows up for the hard times and the good times.

In fact, when it comes to social interaction and its positive health benefits, research has shown that quantity can sometimes be just as important as quality. “Our work has shown that it is important to diversify your friendships,” explains Choi. She cites a 2022 study from Harvard Business School that examined relationship diversity and found that there’s value to be found in all varieties of friendship. Choi says, “Having many different kinds of relationships can promote wellbeing above and beyond the quality interactions.”

Another benefit of having a gathering friend is that their presence tends to promote socializing with acquaintances and friends-of-friends, which can help strengthen your overall social connectivity. “Count yourself lucky if you have a few really close people, but we do need a variety of people,” says researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad, who served as the lead scientific editor for the U.S. Surgeon General's inquiry into the effects of loneliness and isolation. She explains that social connection isn’t just about friendships, but all kinds of relationships, from the strongest in our lives (our partners, families, and best friends) to the weakest (the grocery store clerk you chatted with that one time).

“My research has focused on how this has been assumed to influence our emotional wellbeing, which it does, but unappreciated is how it impacts our physical health,” says Holt-Lunstad. “We’re starting to look at this more comprehensively and see the impacts it has beyond health.” For instance, Holt-Lunstad says communities that are more socially connected tend to be safe and more economically prosperous, have better education outcomes, and longer life spans. Bringing people together has ripple effects; in this way, Emma’s hosting is an act of community service. 

Friendship is a difficult thing to define and pin down. On a basic, animal level, we’re programmed to flock to each other. Bringing people together, planning parties, making events happen—these are laborious tasks that tend to fall to women, and often to women who identify as “Type A”. Although that letter doesn’t describe me very well, I can still perform gathering in my own messy, spontaneous way. It’s as simple as extending an invitation for pizza and movies to a few casual acquaintances or starting a group text with a few people who might just hit it off.  

Perhaps my previous expectations for friendships were a little bit self-serving and influenced by my biases. As I grow older, branching out and experimenting with new ideas, hobbies, and even places has become increasingly important to me—nothing makes you feel as young as being a novice. I just need to extend this trend to people, as well.

There’s a time and a place for long, intimate conversations (visitors to my island are still welcome!) but according to experts, it’s worth pursuing even the most glancing interactions.

Because in end, you never know who could become a lifelong friend—or what a good evening of “The Corona Olympics” could do for you.