When It’s OK to Ghost Someone

One of the most frustratingly common experiences of modern dating is ghosting. It's enough to keep people from staying in the dating pool—or jumping in at all. Ghosting involves cutting off communication with someone in whom you have had an interest or even dated. Common ghosting behaviors include unmatching in the apps, leaving text messages read with no response, and generally becoming impossible to contact. And for those doing the ghosting, there can be a tremendous amount of guilt as they leave behind a confused and upset person who was, up until getting ghosted, enjoying getting to know them.

Part of what makes ghosting such a harrowing experience (on both sides) is that there isn't a rigid set of terms that constitute the practice. It can happen at any time and typically comes about when things seem fine. People ghost after a bit of chatting on the apps, after a first date, after having sex or dating for a while. I’ve even heard of ghosting happening after years of dating, which is perhaps its most audacious form.

We could all be better communicators when it comes to letting others know how we feel, even if that means momentarily hurting someone’s feelings. But as much as ghosting can sting, there are times when it might just be the right thing to do.

People ghost for a number of reasons that they may feel are justified. They may not have time to communicate more with every single person they match and start chats with on dating apps. They may want to avoid any tension or confrontation that may result from stating that they are no longer interested in talking or continuing the relationship. In short, ghosting is convenient. It may stir up feelings of guilt and frustration for the ghoster, but it is lower effort compared to writing a text or having an awkward conversation. These are actually the times when it’s advisable not to ghost. Taking a couple minutes to draft a text that lets the other person know that you are no longer interested can be such a huge relief for both parties.

Read More: Stop Taking First Dates So Seriously

As much as people complain about how bad it feels to be ghosted, a surprisingly high number of people admit to ghosting someone. According to a 2023 survey conducted by Thriving Center for Psychology, 67% of those who had been ghosted had also ghosted other people, which points to a perpetual cycle where people who mean well turn into the very thing that is so upsetting to them. In fact, 84% of Millenial and Gen Z survey respondents say they had been ghosted. No wonder ghosting seems like a feature of dating—not a bug.

But not all ghosting is created equal. What about the times when someone is a complete jerk? What if you are struggling with mental health, family obligations, or the weight of the world and dating ceases to be a priority? And what if the other person has been giving you very little, won’t commit to a date, or just seems like they’re keeping you around as a text buddy? In these cases, ghosting may be necessary to reduce harm to yourself.

For instance, a recently published meta-analysis of studies examining sexual harassment on dating apps showed a prevalence between 57 to 88.8%. At the low end, that’s over half of dating app users. Women and sexual minorities experience sexual harassment in dating at higher rates. These experiences run the gamut between receiving harassing messages to being harassed in person on dates.

Even if you thought the person had potential, you don’t have to continue communicating with someone who crosses your boundaries. I have encouraged many clients to unmatch, stop communication, and even block and report people who have harassed them. Some have chosen to do so after letting the other person know what they did wasn’t okay. But others, shocked by being on the receiving end of harassment, have just ghosted. Ghosting is how they can protect themselves.

Sometimes we’re just not in a good headspace to date or feel it inappropriate to share personal details about our lives with relative strangers, and this may result in ghosting. In Season Two of the hit reality dating podcast, Hang Up, the star “Timo” was ghosted by one of the contestants only to then ghost the winner, “Salix”, when the show ended. In a painful follow-up episode, “Timo”, who identifies as Middle Eastern, later explained what led to their ghosting someone they were truly interested in. Between navigating a toxic work environment and the pain and grief they felt for Palestinians in Gaza, they just didn’t have anything to offer their date. In this instance, “Timo” was able to reconnect with “Salix”, owned up to how their behavior was hurtful, and also explained what had kept them from reaching out before. When dating becomes hard to emotionally invest in because of other life concerns, ghosting is a way to refocus on yourself. It’s important to attempt to repair any relationships that may have been impacted though.

Sometimes, it is the absence of momentum that spurs the need for ghosting. Countless times I’ve had clients engage with people who are comfortable chatting for hours on end, but never commit to solid plans to meet in person. They may flake out and say that when their schedule clears up “in a while,” they will have more time, but they never seem to get that schedule cleared. After giving these people several chances to move the relationship offline, ghosting and blocking might be good ways to protect your time and energy.

Ghosting is a hard experience to go through, whether you’re the one ghosting or being ghosted. It’s easy then to just say “never ghost someone.” But the realities of dating call for subtle distinctions between when ghosting is never okay and when it may be called for. Whether it's to avoid future harm from a harasser or time-waster, or to give yourself an opportunity to focus on mental health or other priorities, sometimes ghosting is okay. But if it’s just a matter of letting someone know that you don’t want to pursue anything further with them, try to avoid being another ghost in the dating machine.