What to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight

September 12, 2024 12:28 PM EDT

Figuring out what to say about someone’s weight gain or loss is really easy if you follow one of the golden rules of modern communication: Never comment on another person’s body.

Not everyone, however, gets the memo.

Cherie Miller, an eating disorder and body image therapist in Southlake, Texas, hears often from clients on the receiving end of body talk. “It reinforces the idea that the way we look matters immensely, that we’re on display, and that, to some degree, our purpose is to be pleasing to others, which is really quite gross and harmful,” she says. “In our culture, we assume that weight gain is bad, and weight loss is good, and that's just not always the case.”

The person you're talking to, she adds, might have lost weight because they’re sick. Or they might be depressed or recovering from an eating disorder. Maybe they packed on a few pounds because of the medication they’re taking for the condition they don’t want to disclose. The point, she stresses, is that it’s impossible to know, and none of your business.

We asked experts as well as people who frequently experience unwanted weight-related comments to share their favorite ways to respond—and why those comebacks are effective.

“I prefer people don’t comment on my body.”

As a plus-size model who’s appeared on the covers of magazines like Cosmopolitan UK, Tess Holliday knows that people will have something to say about her body. Lots of that noise comes from internet strangers; some of it is from the people she passes on the street. Other comments fly out the mouths of her friends and family.

When a loved one mentions Holliday’s weight—maybe trying to pay her a compliment, like “you're looking healthy lately”—she generally assumes they have good intentions. “From their point of view, they’re trying to say something kind,” she says. That’s why she usually opts for a “nice, gentle” approach: a brief thanks, followed by a reminder that she doesn’t discuss her body.

Other times, she’ll respond to a comment from a family member—“You look like you lost weight”—with something a little snappier: “Nope, still fat, but that’s OK.” She tells the person that she’s happy, and then changes the subject and moves on. The problem, she acknowledges, is that “some people aren't even going to notice that you did that, and it's going to roll right over their head.” If you feel up to it, firmly setting a boundary that you don't talk about your body can provide a more surefire dose of the feedback your conversation partner needs, she says.

“So funny, right?”

During a recent trip to Italy with a plus-size travel group, Holliday encountered unusually brazen, fatphobic comments. “It was pretty jarring, even for me,” she says. One evening, as the group crossed the street, dressed up and excited to see a plus-size opera singer perform, they noticed a cluster of men laughing and pointing at them, egging their friends to “pick one.” “The whole mission is having these size-inclusive tours for people to feel comfortable and safe, but you can’t control the environment,” Holliday says. She had to say something. “I turned around and looked at them, and started laughing with them, and then I stopped, with a stone-cold look on my face, and said, ‘So funny, right?’” She continued staring at them for a few beats. The men quickly stopped laughing and joking, she says, and fell silent, with a look on their faces that indicated they knew they were in trouble.

“My body is different, but my heart is fuller.”

For a long time, thinness has been synonymous with happiness, Holliday stresses—and seeing someone thrive in a larger body can challenge people’s preconceptions. Yet it captures her truth. She’s recovering from an eating disorder and healing from an abusive relationship, she says, both of which took a toll on her health. “My body is bigger than maybe ever, but it’s just trying to make sure I survive,” she adds. “If it's bigger right now or forever, that’s OK. I’m able to be happy and enjoy my life for probably the first time ever, and I’m able to be present.”

“I’m so sorry you feel that way, but I am so loved and so blessed.”

A couple years ago, Holliday made headlines for the way she responded to a woman who had body shamed her in a waiting room: “Ma'am, I am one of the most famous plus-size models in the world. I think I’m doing OK.” While we can’t all use her words verbatim, we can sub in what we’re most proud of: being a healthy mom of four, a hard-working business owner, a neuroscientist, a pickleball champ.

While Holliday still appreciates the occasional well-timed clapback, she increasingly aims to keep things light and move on with her day. That’s the way true change can happen, she believes: People are far more likely to reflect on their words if you “kill them with kindness,” rather than getting sassy. “It’s very easy to snap back with ‘hate’ when you’re being hated,” she says. “I’m definitely recovering from being a very defensive person, and trying to realize, maybe someone’s having a bad day. They might be commenting on my looks, but it usually has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.”

“Did you know that strawberries aren't actually berries, but bananas are?”

If someone makes a comment about your weight that makes you uncomfortable, you can simply change the subject, Miller says. She likes to keep a handful of fun facts in her back pocket—like this one about the scientific classification of popular fruit—and then pull them out when a conversation requires a 180° shift. “Some people aren’t going to be comfortable being very confrontational,” she says. “So redirecting the conversation is a great way to handle those situations.”

"Oh, I didn't realize we were sharing unsolicited opinions. Do you want mine next?”

If you’re feeling provocative, a quip that maintains your dignity while putting the commenter in their place could be the way to go. “Sometimes, depending on your personality—or if directness isn't really working—you’ve gotta step it up a notch to make your point,” Miller says. “Especially if it's a person who said something really inappropriate or harmful, or if they’re a repeat offender.” Plus, she adds, “Some of us are just naturally spicy and want to go straight to level three.”

“My body needed a little extra assistance to help with the weight loss.”

Amy Kane has struggled with her weight for as long as she can remember. As a teen, she learned she had polycystic ovary syndrome, which can make it difficult to lose weight, and later, after having three kids, she was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. At her heaviest, she estimates she weighed 300 pounds and wore a size 4X.

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Eventually, Kane’s endocrinologist suggested she try Mounjaro, a GLP-1 drug that can help people lose a significant amount of weight. She’s now down more than 160 pounds and says the drug saved her life physically and emotionally. Inevitably, she’s fielded plenty of questions—and judgment—about how she did it. Some people ask why she didn’t “just go to the gym.” Kane likes to respond: “I overhauled my diet and my lifestyle, and I had a tool that was helping me. Your body might not need that, but my body needed a little extra assistance to help with the weight loss.” If someone pushes back and tells her she “cheated” or took the easy way out—she’s heard it all—she emphasizes: “GLP-1s are not magic,” and she’s put a lot of work into achieving and maintaining her new body.

"Wow. Do you normally comment on people's weight like this? How do they usually respond when you say that to them?"

This is a terrific way to respond if someone tells you you’re fat or makes an otherwise offensive comment, says Kelli Rugless, a psychologist and eating disorder specialist in Los Angeles. “It takes the attention away from your weight and appearance and redirects it to the person making the comment or asking the question,” she says. Plus, it encourages them to reflect on their behavior. Rugless thinks of it as an opportunity to provide “honest feedback on how insulted or hurt the other person’s comment made you feel,” while hopefully spurring them to avoid such language in the future. She suggests delivering it with little emotion and steady eye contact. “In the same way they put you on the spot, you're returning the favor,” she says, “and not attempting to relieve or rush through their discomfort.”

"While I understand your curiosity, I promise you that how I lost weight is the least interesting thing about me. I'd rather talk about [fill in the blank]."

This is another go-to when Rugless coaches her clients on how to respond to unsolicited comments about their appearance. “It communicates your boredom and disinterest in talking about weight, diets, and health trends,” she says, hopefully ensuring the person won't bring them up again. Say it with a light, humorous tone of voice, she advises, and if you happen to have an audience, shift your eye contact to someone else. Doing so “reinforces the reality that you've moved on to not only a new topic, but a new individual,” she says.

“I’ve been focusing on my overall health.”

Kane documents her weight-loss journey on Instagram and TikTok, and she often hears from people who don’t want to tell their friends that they’re using a GLP-1 medication. She assures them that “it’s no one’s right to know.” When she first started taking Mounjaro, she didn’t tell many people, either. She recalls neighbors commenting on her weight loss and asking how she did it. “I didn't lie, but I left out the part about medication,” she says. “I told them I changed my diet, and that since my kids were a little older, I had more time to focus on myself.” If you don’t feel comfortable disclosing your medical information, you could also say, “That’s between me and my doctor,” or “I’d rather not go into the details.”

“I’ll take this loose skin for my physical and mental health to do a 180.”

Being so candid on social media opens Kane up to, well, audience feedback. “The No. 1 thing I get asked about, or get nasty comments about, is my loose skin,” she says. Some people blame it on her medication; Kane responds that any weight loss can lead to loose skin. Others post mean-hearted remarks about what it looks like. “I have no shame—I’ll show it,” Kane says. “I think it empowers people. And I tell them that I’ll take this loose skin for the 180 my physical health has done, and the 180 my mental health has done.”

“Yes, and?”

Molly Day was a professional dancer throughout much of her 20s, but during the pandemic, complications related to an eye surgery led to her retirement. She gained about 50 pounds after that—weight that masked the six-pack she once had. She was floored by how many people felt entitled to comment on her new size. These days, Day, who’s now a body-neutral fitness instructor in New York, spares few words for those who make comments like, “Oh my God, you’ve gained weight.” She might reply: “Yes, and?” Trying to defend or deflect can bring more attention to the subject she wants to avoid, she's found, whereas a terse response tends to shut down the conversation. “It takes a lot of inner work to be comfortable with your body shifting,” she says—but owning the change diminishes the other person's ability to make her feel “less than.”

“This is not the appropriate setting to be bringing this up.”

In the early months after Day’s weight gain, friends brought it up under the guise of concern—”I care about your health”—during social gatherings and in public spaces. She didn’t appreciate the so-called good intentions. “If it was truly about my health, which we know it’s not because health is every size, this isn't the situation to bring it up in,” she says. Day told her friends exactly that. She found that while some doubled down—to which she repeated her boundary—others immediately clocked themselves and apologized for the intrusive comments.

“Can you repeat yourself?”

People often express how they feel about others’ bodies by making sly “jokes,” Day has discovered. She doesn’t see the humor, so she’s started asking them to repeat themselves. Some do, to which she responds: “That’s what I thought you said.” “They want to just make it as a little jab and continue to move on,” she says. Making them repeat themselves—and then responding with silence, refusing to engage further—is a powerful way to call them out.

“What a shame you felt the need to say that.”

Day still recalls the time a colleague she hadn’t seen in years made a joke about her appearance. Her quick-witted retort: “What a shame you felt the need to say that.” “I could see it in their face—the disappointment,” she says. “It was one of those moments like when you're a little kid, and your parent doesn't yell at you, but they're like, ‘I’m so disappointed,’ and it hits you so much harder.” She now keeps the phrase in her back pocket and has pulled it out in situations in which she might otherwise be at a loss for words. “We don't have to appease people when they make these comments about our bodies,” she says. “Having a couple statements ready to go can really help you claim back your power.”

15 Things to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight