--- title: How to Get Better at Small Talk description: Small talk can make us happier and healthier—but some people dread the awkward silences. Experts dispense tips on how to get better at it. canonical: https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/ author: Angela Haupt article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2023-06-01T13:34:40.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-10-19T07:24:07.202Z article:section: Health og:title: 7 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk—And Why You Should og:description: No more awkward silences. og:url: https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: TIME og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 7 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk—And Why You Should twitter:description: No more awkward silences. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- # 7 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk—And Why You Should > Sponsored content. 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Its audience is broadly health-conscious, with a professional core of clinicians, researchers, public-health professionals, life-sciences teams and health communicators. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-health-2026q3/newsletters?i=be89bf66-1cc4-416d-8a9e-f85165915fee&cr=time-nl-health-2026q3-v1) ## Video: How to Get Better at Small Talk [Watch (HLS stream): How to Get Better at Small Talk](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/0D7dwuRQ.m3u8) (5:29)  _Published 2023-05-31. Small talk can make us happier and healthier—but some people dread the awkward silences. Experts dispense tips on how to get better at it._  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Jun 1, 2023 1:34 PM UTC Small talk can make us happier and healthier—but some people dread the awkward silences. Experts dispense tips on how to get better at it.  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Jun 1, 2023 1:34 PM UTC When Gillian Sandstrom was a graduate student in Toronto more than a decade ago, she encountered a stranger on the subway who was carrying a scrumptious-looking cupcake. Sandstrom had long considered herself an introvert and found small talk uncomfortable and even embarrassing. But drool-worthy desserts can’t go unadmired, so she approached the woman. “By the end of the conversation, she taught me that people can ride ostriches,” she recalls. “That’s what conversations do sometimes—and I was hooked after that.” The experience inspired Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex in England, to conduct some of the leading research on the benefits of casual interactions with strangers and acquaintances. These brief but pleasant exchanges can [enhance health and happiness](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550613502990), lifting mood, energy, and [overall well-being](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167214529799). They often promote learning, expand people’s world views, and contribute to a sense of belonging. Plus, they’re good for both parties: [Sandstrom’s research](https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000z5hf) indicates that people view “minimal social interactions” such as a smile, compliment, or quick chat as an act of kindness. You can maximize these benefits by making a point to talk to a wide range of people, [additional research suggests](https://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Pages/item.aspx?num=62955). Chatting with your colleagues, barista, Uber driver, and the person surveying the ice-cream aisle with you builds what’s called relational diversity, which is a unique predictor of well-being. Despite the benefits, many of us hate small talk. We often [assume that the people around us aren’t interested in talking](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15298868.2020.1816568) or won’t like us—but [research](https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/BoothbyCooneySandstromClark2018.pdf) indicates that we tend to underestimate how much our conversation partners enjoy our company, a phenomenon called “the liking gap.” “We all have this negative voice in our heads that tells us we’re not very good at this social stuff,” Sandstrom says. “But the data suggest that people actually like you more than you think they do.” The more you do it, she’s found, the more natural it will feel. One [study](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/361006208%5FTalking%5Fto%5Fstrangers%5FA%5Fweek-long%5Fintervention%5Freduces%5Fpsychological%5Fbarriers%5Fto%5Fsocial%5Fconnection) by Sandstrom found that when people did a week-long scavenger hunt in which they had to find, approach, and talk to strangers, they grew more optimistic and confident about their conversational skills every day. We asked experts to share their favorite strategies for getting better at small talk—because there’s only so much you can say about the weather. ## **Reframe the conversation as a treasure hunt** Alison Wood Brooks gets excited about small talk—and for years, it didn’t occur to her that some people dreaded it. But when she started teaching a course on conversation skills at Harvard Business School, she realized she had hit a nerve. “Even these high-achieving, brilliant MBA students—so many of them hate small talk,” says Brooks, whose forthcoming book is called [_Talk_: _The Science of Conversation and Art of Being Ourselves_](https://alisonwoodbrooks.com/conversation-book/). “I’ve come to believe that I’m the weird one. I think most people truly dread small talk and struggle to figure out how to manage it.” One key to changing that is to first accept that these casual chats are inevitable. “It’s a social ritual that you actually have to engage in, especially with strangers or people you don’t know that well,” she says. Then, reframe it in your mind as a treasure hunt. Dive in, eager to discover what fascinating or juicy tidbit you might unearth. Who knows where the conversation might lead? ## **Take advantage of “free information”** Lean into your surroundings, says Debra Fine, an expert on communication skills and author of [_The Fine Art of Small Talk_](https://amzn.to/3Wla213). If you’re standing next to someone at a baby shower, for example, the fact that you’re both there is what she describes as “free information”—so ask the person how they know the mom-to-be. If you’re at a fundraiser, ask the stranger assigned to your dinner table how he got involved and what keeps him interested. Or ask the person squeezed into the airplane seat next to you if she’s been to your shared destination before. “If I’m at a 5K race this summer, I’ll say to the person next to me, ‘What’s your best ingredient for success at these things?’ Or, ‘Have you ever done this before?’” Fine says. Your shared reality is a terrific entry point and can lead to deeper conversation. ## **Don’t linger too long on low-priority topics** Think of conversation topics as a pyramid, Brooks says. The foundation consists of the obligatory small talk anyone can master: _How about that rain? How was your weekend?_ These topics are foundational, she says—you often have to start conversations at the base of the pyramid. The mistake people commonly make, however, is lingering there too long. “You get stuck talking about the weather for 15 minutes,” and all parties become desperate to escape, she says. Instead, ascend the pyramid by selecting topics that are increasingly more personalized and tailored to your conversation partner. Say you ask a colleague how their weekend was, and they tell you they went to a Taylor Swift concert. “As soon as you find that treasure, there are so many questions you can ask,” Brooks says. For example: _What was your favorite part of the show?_ “And then all of a sudden you’re sprinting up the pyramid away from small talk, because they’re going to talk about their emotions and peak moments,” she says. Voila: small talk has evolved into deep talk. ## **Compliment unique forms of personal expression** Try not to comment on someone’s looks, which could come across as “creepy,” Sandstrom says. (For example: Avoid “you have such beautiful eyes,” which might make the recipient want to shuffle away as quickly as possible.) Instead, channel your curiosity about a form of personal expression—like funky jewelry or hair color, or a striking outfit or bag—into a compliment that might start a conversation. “When you give someone a compliment, like ‘Oh, I love your tattoo,’ they often interpret it as, ‘You’re asking me the story about it,’” she says. Sandstrom once complimented a waitress on her earrings, and the woman told her how she collects a new set everywhere she travels. That particular pair happened to be shaped like sailboats—and had been made out of old boat materials. The exchange brightened each person’s day, and remains vivid in Sandstrom’s mind. ## **Skip questions about marriage, kids, and work** When you’re talking to strangers and acquaintances, it’s generally wise to steer clear of controversial topics (like religion and politics) and to avoid probing potentially sensitive matters (such as inquiring if someone is married or has kids). Another possible landmine: Asking someone what they do for work. Not only is it a tired line of inquiry, but it could thrust someone into the uncomfortable position of, say, disclosing they were recently laid off. Instead, try a question like: “’What keeps you busy outside of work or school?’” Fine advises. For acquaintances, use phrases like “catch me up on” or “bring me up to speed.” For example: You might ask a high-school senior to fill you in on their college search, rather than inquiring if they got into Dartmouth. ## **When someone asks you a question, respond generously** Think of conversation as a game—and aim to be an active player, which requires investing energy into it. If someone asks you how you are, and you simply respond “good,” you’re being a “lazy conversationalist,” Fine says. Rather than a single-word response, offer a full sentence in return, like: “I just watched the most recent episode of _Ted Lasso_, and I didn’t think it was that great.” That gives the person you’re talking to plenty to work with if they’d like to continue to chat. ## **Exit the conversation gracefully** People often drag conversations on for too long because they can’t figure out how to end them, Brooks says. While the exact circumstances will dictate how you navigate your exit, consider introducing the person to someone else, suggests Diane Windingland, author of several books on communication skills, including [_Small Talk, Big Results_](https://amzn.to/3yjONV5). Make a positive comment about why they should meet, and then say, “I’ll let you two get to know each other.” If that’s not possible, briefly recap the conversation—“I enjoyed hearing about your fishing adventures”—and, if you want, mention something you could do together in the future. Then, Windingland recommends concluding like this: “Please excuse me; I have to talk to so and so.” Or, “It’s been great talking to you, but I don’t want to monopolize your time.” ## Transcript [00:00] How was your day? [00:00] How was work? [00:01] How was your weekend? [00:02] What's going on? [00:03] How you doing, well? [00:04] What a beautiful day. [00:05] Oh, oh. I believe that. [00:08] Anybody can learn small-time, I did, you have to love it all [00:11] the time. No, I don't love it, [00:13] but I do it because it benefits my life. [00:23] The biggest reason people don't like small talk and don't do small [00:27] talk. Well is because we have no control. [00:30] We don't have control. [00:31] We don't know if we're going to hit it off with people and we [00:33] don't have control. [00:34] We hate that. [00:35] So we just don't do it. [00:37] Nerf. [00:39] Barriers in people, Small Talk habits, the first is that it's [00:43] just too boring. [00:44] We have lots of concerns about privacy so that we were worried about [00:49] asking more interesting, questions of other people or disclosing [00:52] things about ourselves that would make the conversation [00:55] better. But we're worried that it's going to be too intrusive [00:58] or too sensitive, or it's going to be too risky. [01:01] Best way to do that is to play the conversation game. [01:09] From the beginning to the end. [01:10] Number one, be prepared. [01:12] Introduce yourself. Try to remember their name. [01:14] It's very important. [01:15] Small talk. I've never walk into a party, [01:18] a wedding, a networking event, a job interview, [01:21] without two to three things to talk about, [01:23] I call it free information, hear some free information. [01:27] I have anybody, I talked to you today, [01:29] what are you looking forward to about summer? [01:32] Like what's your number, one thing that you enjoyed the most [01:34] about summer to start just acknowledge that? [01:37] It's a [01:43] And think of it as a treasure hunt. [01:50] The next level up is just medium talk, [01:52] it's more Taylor and it's more personalized. [01:55] It might be about you or about the other person in terms of self-disclosure [01:59] or it might just be like oh we live where you have really [02:02] interesting expertise, or you seemed really excited to talk [02:05] about this. Let's dive into it because we found this treasure. [02:11] Best way to get to know, somebody ask them, [02:14] what keeps you busy. [02:15] So if I see what keeps you busy outside of volunteering [02:19] for the food bank, you might say, [02:20] well I've got, you know, two little kids and that keeps me running [02:23] around. So, now, I found out something to talk with you about, [02:26] but you've disclosed that willingly and it's what I call in my [02:30] book, digging in deeper [02:33] The other thing that I'm not doing which I would suggest [02:37] everyone that they avoid extroverts do this as well as introverts [02:40] and Amber. Verse people say, how are you? [02:43] How's your project? [02:44] How's your day? [02:44] How's it going? [02:46] What's new? And they don't mean it. [02:48] So that's why we become so restricted in our convert, [02:51] we're not, we're not sure people really mean it. [02:53] So dig in deeper with one more question to let people know, [02:56] you mean it? [03:02] Ending is the final topics which you're both deciding. [03:05] Oh, this is the next topic is going to be silenced and we're going [03:08] to walk away from each other and coordinating. [03:11] That choice is very difficult. [03:12] Is back like almost no conversations end when either person [03:16] wants them to and in general a good, [03:20] A good rule is that like ending it sooner rather than later? [03:23] Is probably a good thing to do what you been in business. [03:27] It's very cute issue. An [03:29] invitation, here's the invitation. [03:30] It was very interesting learning about your company, [03:33] I'd like to reconnect, maybe in a couple months and see how it's changed. [03:38] Would that be okay with you? [03:40] The person's eyes are going to say. [03:41] It's not going to work or yeah. [03:43] That'd be delightful. [03:44] And then you ask for their texts, [03:45] or sell or you ask for any mail. [03:47] So, if you would like to create friendship in your life or business, [03:51] you need to issue an invitation. [03:52] The best way to leave people that I know of that works wonders [03:57] is to use the white flag. [03:59] It's what in the case, in racing car race. [04:02] It indicates the drivers have one more lap and then this is over. [04:05] We're going to do that in conversation. [04:07] So here we go show appreciation. [04:09] If you can gosh your six-year-old sounds quite accomplished [04:13] and then here's the White Flag. [04:15] I'm going to need to take off in a minute. [04:17] I see two people. [04:18] I want to catch up with puppy before I leave. [04:20] Tell me. What do you think? [04:21] The number one ingredient is to being a successful parent. [04:25] You can get out of this with dignity. [04:27] You can't give people the White Flag, [04:29] let them know this is almost over because when people go like [04:32] this, I got to go. [04:33] And then they go talk to someone else, [04:35] it does hurt feelings. [04:37] So with Grace, [04:40] And if they're really comforting thing about conversation [04:42] is that every relationship is a repeated sequence of conversation. [04:47] So it doesn't mean it's the end, [04:48] right? You'll even like two minutes later, [04:50] you could text them and be like, [04:51] hey, I forgot to mention blah. [04:53] Or thank you so much for asking me about this time. [04:56] I really enjoyed you can follow up, [04:59] so that is the key to being your conversations. [05:02] It's not to change your personality or be the most vivacious [05:06] person in the room or be so charismatic, [05:08] you know, we're not all born that way and we shouldn't [05:11] change your personality. [05:12] What we should change is if you want to succeed at this invest [05:18] time and invest energy and you will succeed. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/"},"headline":"7 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk—And Why You Should","datePublished":"2023-06-01T13:34:40.000Z","dateModified":"2026-10-19T07:24:07.202Z","description":"No more awkward silences.","url":"https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/","keywords":["Psychology","Wellbeing","TIME 2030","healthscienceclimate","2030 Wellbeing"],"thumbnailUrl":"","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Angela Haupt","jobTitle":"","url":"https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/"}],"articleSection":"Health","image":[],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/section/health/","name":"Health"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/6280607/small-talk-tips-benefits/","name":"7 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk—And Why You Should"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"How to Get Better at Small Talk","description":"Small talk can make us happier and healthier—but some people dread the awkward silences. 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