--- title: How to Apologize—and Why You Should description: Experts say to take these steps to nail your next apology, including emphasizing certain words and accepting responsibility. canonical: https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/ author: Angela Haupt article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2023-03-24T12:29:27.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-10-19T07:14:26.171Z article:section: Health og:title: 8 Ways to Apologize Well og:description: Emphasize certain words, accept responsibility, and make reparations og:url: https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt95fead07048733bf/698a3b46e6e84a2ee82afec0/GettyImages-1019468052.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2121 og:image:height: 1193 og:image:alt: Sorry og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 8 Ways to Apologize Well twitter:description: Emphasize certain words, accept responsibility, and make reparations twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt95fead07048733bf/698a3b46e6e84a2ee82afec0/GettyImages-1019468052.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # 8 Ways to Apologize Well > Sponsored content. 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Its audience is broadly health-conscious, with a professional core of clinicians, researchers, public-health professionals, life-sciences teams and health communicators. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-health-2026q3/newsletters?i=d6d76819-add9-4989-91cf-fc3684e20784&cr=time-nl-health-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Mar 24, 2023 12:29 PM UTC Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way.  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Mar 24, 2023 12:29 PM UTC Apologies are how we smooth over conflicts and repair relationships, prove our character to others, and coexist as imperfect beings. Yet few of us know how to do it well—or have the bravery to do so. “A good apology builds bridges. It heals wounds,” says Marjorie Ingall, coauthor of the new book _Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies_. “It’s also really hard. Apologizing is a courageous act, because we’re overcoming all of our own animal instincts and all of our own self-protectiveness when we do it.” Sincere apologies can be difficult to nail. Everyone wants to feel like a good person, which can lead to defensiveness—we talk ourselves out of the idea that we did something wrong in order to safeguard our sense of self. “We immediately turn to excuses, justifications, reasons why the victim provoked us,” says Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh who’s [researched the barriers to apologizing](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0963721417741709). “And if we’re able to convince ourselves of that, then that can—in our minds—preclude the need for an apology.” Or, perhaps we don’t care enough about fixing a certain relationship to apologize, she adds. We might also [overestimate how uncomfortable delivering the apology will be](https://eprints.soton.ac.uk/367348/1/Leunissen%2520et%2520al%25202014%2520Forecasting%2520errors%2520in%2520apologizing.pdf), or assume that it won’t work. But sincere apologies bring a host of benefits to the person delivering the message and the one receiving it. They help [solidify relationships](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-021-92373-y) and [mend trust](https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00758), both of which can lower stress and improve mental health. “It’s really unhealthy to hold onto shame and guilt and not try to work through your emotions around negative behaviors and harmful acts you’ve committed,” Schumann says. Plus, some research indicates that those receiving apologies can experience improvements in [blood pressure](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16845582/) and [heart rate](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20364307/), as well as [increased activation of empathy-related brain regions](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3914861/) that set the stage for forgiveness and reconciliation. If you’re ready for your mea culpa moment, here are eight keys to apologizing well. ## **Don’t rush into it** Apologies are better late than early, says Cindy Frantz, a social psychologist at Oberlin College who has researched [how timing influences apology effectiveness](https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Cynthia-Frantz/publication/222331911%5FBetter%5FLate%5FThan%5FEarly%5FThe%5FInfluence%5Fof%5FTiming%5Fon%5FApology%5FEffectiveness/links/5a09cbed0f7e9b7b4168e323/Better-Late-Than-Early-The-Influence-of-Timing-on-Apology-Effectiveness.pdf). “What we found is that there can be a temptation to offer an apology quickly,” she says. “It’s an effort to shut the whole incident down and move on. And that benefits the perpetrator, but it doesn’t meet the needs of the victim.” You can’t deliver an effective apology until and unless the injured party believes that you fully understand what you did wrong, she says. “If the apology comes before that, it’s not going to be seen as sincere.” ## **Be open to a variety of formats** If you’re dealing with a relatively minor offense, consider apologizing over text message or in person, Ingall suggests. Emails often work well for more serious situations. “And if you really screwed up, there’s something very powerful about a stamp and nice stationery and a pen,” she says. Just don’t issue your apology via social media, which can be humiliating for everyone involved. Another rule of thumb: “When you’re apologizing to someone, you have to give them an out,” Ingall says. “You don’t want somebody to feel trapped by you—they need an escape route.” Don’t block the pathway out of someone’s work cubicle, for instance, or lean into their car window so they’re unable to pull away. ## **Start with specific words** Use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Opting instead for phrases like “I regret” or “I feel bad about what happened” often results in non-apologies, which “have the vague contours of an apology, but don’t actually get there,” Ingall says. (See: The classic “sorry if you were offended” or “sorry, but…” approaches.) Plus, saying you regret something puts the focus on you and your emotions, when it needs to center squarely on the wronged person’s feelings. ## **Accept responsibility** Why should you apologize if you’re both at fault? That’s exactly the question many people struggle with, Schumann says—and certainly, there often is dual-responsibility. “But I like to encourage people to really focus on taking responsibility for the parts of the conflict that they’re responsible for,” she says. Avoid the urge to phrase it as, “I’m sorry I did this, but you also did that.” The inclination to do so is “normal, because we want to contextualize our behavior and call attention to the fact that we’re also hurt,” she says. But save it for later on in the conversation. ## **Emphasize certain words** Always choose your words carefully when apologizing, advises Lisa Leopold, an associate professor of English language studies at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey who has [analyzed the language of public apologies](https://www.middlebury.edu/announcements/news/2018/10/lisa-leopold-shares-her-research-apologies-both-good-and-bad). Avoid conditional phrases, like “if” or “may”—as in, “I’m sorry if anyone was offended,” which suggests that perhaps there were no victims. “But” is another misstep. It undercuts your message, she notes. It’s crucial to use “I” or “my” while apologizing, Leopold adds. For example, say “I’m sorry for my outburst,” rather than “I’m sorry for the interaction this morning.” And always use the active voice. “If you say something like, ‘I apologize for what happened,’ well, ‘what happened’ is something you have no control over,” she says. It can also be helpful to utilize intensifiers such as “very,” “truly,” “sincerely,” “deeply,” and “extremely.” These can “enhance the language of an apology,” Leopold notes. ## **Be clear about how you plan to repair things** One of the core elements of an apology is making reparations. Sometimes, Schumann says, that will be possible in a direct way: You broke their favorite wine glass? Buy them a new one. Spilled coffee on their dress? Pay for the dry-cleaning. If that’s not feasible, consider more symbolic forms of repair. For example, if you hurt someone’s feelings with a critical comment, make it clear that you misspoke. “Sometimes you can’t repair what’s happened, but you can think about the relationship moving forward,” she says. “How can you communicate a promise to behave better?” It’s important for the other person “to hear that this is not going to continue…and they can trust you to improve your behavior in the future.” ## **Communicate sincerity** A variety of things can help make it clear your words are coming from the heart, Schumann says. First, the apology should match the severity of the offense. If you’re apologizing for infidelity and say, “Sorry about that, love,” you won’t come across as very genuine, she notes; however, those words might be adequate if you’re 10 minutes late for dinner. You should also aim to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and convey that you understand what you did was hurtful to them, and the consequences they dealt with as a result. It can be helpful to listen first and ask them questions about their vantage point, Schumann advises. “That might allow you to really understand what they’re going through, and therefore be able to offer a more authentic, victim-focused apology.” ## **Don’t expect forgiveness** An apology is a starting point. Particularly with severe offenses, the person wronged will often need time and space to heal, and it’s important not to pressure them. It can be tempting to follow up with something like, “What’s wrong? I apologized—how long are you going to hold onto this?” Instead, Schumann suggests checking in like this: “I understand this isn’t going to fix everything, and I want to continue to do whatever I can to make this right by you. I hope that, even if you’re not ready to forgive me, you’re open to working with me to get us to a point where we can move forward.” ## Transcript [00:00] The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed [00:05] to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. [00:08] And when we do a bad thing, [00:09] we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, [00:13] we didn't do the bad thing. [00:14] So being brave and being self-aware and you know, [00:19] taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing [00:22] and I'm going to apologize for it, [00:23] makes you feel like an absolute superhero. [00:26] I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just [00:37] like you learn to tie your shoes. [00:39] Just like you learn to brush your teeth. [00:41] You can learn to become a good apologizer. [00:47] We have a very easy six and a half. [00:51] Step plan. Number one, use the words, [00:54] I'm sorry, or I apologize. [00:57] Not, I regret not. [00:58] I'd like to apologize. [01:00] No, say those exact words number to say what you did, [01:04] don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, [01:09] you have to name your sin. [01:10] Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, [01:14] why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, [01:17] explain as much as you need to, [01:19] but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. [01:22] Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this [01:26] doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations [01:31] in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, [01:33] or making the entire staff undergo diversity, [01:36] and equity, and inclusion training to that. [01:39] And six and a half is listen, [01:43] you have to let the other person have their say, [01:45] you don't need all six and a half steps forever. [01:47] Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, [01:50] that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations [01:54] call for different apology approach. [01:56] Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do [02:00] it or just to get person. [02:02] If something is a more serious offense, [02:03] email is a good way to do it. [02:05] And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful [02:09] about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. [02:15] The one thing you have to be sure, [02:16] when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. [02:19] You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. [02:22] If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, [02:24] do not trap them in their car. [02:26] You know, they need an Escape Route, [02:28] and you also have to consider does that person want to hear [02:31] from you, especially if your sin is so profound, [02:35] you have to put their feelings in front of yours, [02:38] and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing [02:43] that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. [02:48] An an apology is they regret? [02:51] They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret [02:54] something that's about how I feel. [02:56] A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other [02:59] person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology [03:03] is also gaslighting. [03:05] It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such [03:10] a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you [03:14] know, you don't really understand how the Work World works [03:17] and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. [03:20] Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first [03:24] place, an an apology does not take responsibility [03:27] research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that [03:32] people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand [03:36] that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to [03:40] happen again. [03:41] If you're not sorry and you apologize, [03:44] you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology [03:49] is worse than no apology. [03:50] A good apology does so much. [03:54] It builds Bridges and heals wounds. [03:58] It's also really hard. [04:00] So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming [04:05] all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness [04:10] when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/"},"headline":"8 Ways to Apologize Well","datePublished":"2023-03-24T12:29:27.000Z","dateModified":"2026-10-19T07:14:26.171Z","description":"Emphasize certain words, accept responsibility, and make reparations.","url":"https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/","keywords":["Psychology","Wellbeing","TIME 2030","healthscienceclimate","2030 Wellbeing"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt95fead07048733bf/698a3b46e6e84a2ee82afec0/GettyImages-1019468052.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Angela Haupt","jobTitle":"","url":"https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/"}],"articleSection":"Health","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt95fead07048733bf/698a3b46e6e84a2ee82afec0/GettyImages-1019468052.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Sorry","caption":"Sorry","creditText":"jayk7—Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/section/health/","name":"Health"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/","name":"8 Ways to Apologize Well"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way","description":"Marjorie Ingall, co-author of \"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,\" describes how and how not to apologize the right way.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uOTOC0DK/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2023-03-22T18:56:32.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/","duration":"PT4M22S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```