The Bachelorette is entering the home stretch and Becca is still looking for love. After taking her potential soulmates to a goth party in Richmond, Virginia and a Baha Men concert in the Bahamas, Becca has winnowed her herd down to four possible husbands — Garrett, Jason, Blake, and Colton. Before deciding who will escort her to the Fantasy Suites, Becca wants to meet their families. That’s right, four protective moms, four skeptical dads, and countless opportunities for a little brother or sister to finally exact their revenge on the big brother who tortured them throughout middle school.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:
Garrett’s Hometown Visit
Becca’s first visit is with noted Instagram fan Garrett. After the obligatory Bachelor greeting where the woman performs an Olympic-level high jump to leap into the air and wrap her legs around the man, he asks her if she wants to go see “the place that turned [him] into the man [he] is today.” No, Garrett she doesn’t want to see behind the bleachers of your high school. Instead he takes her to a tomato farm where they hoe some rows and make out in a moving tractor. Becca is nervous to meet his family, because Garrett is divorced and his family is taking a “no holds barred” approach to all future relationships. They may be all talk though because they all greet Becca with big hugs. Like police detectives looking for answers in the wake of a crime, the family interviews Becca and Garrett separately. Garrett assures his sister he’s ready for love and that his chemistry with Becca is “so on fire.” Becca assures Garrett’s “mama bear” of a mom that she and Garrett have a lot in common, because he was once married and she was once engaged to a guy she met on a reality show for at least two months. Garrett’s mother looks very impressed by that bond. At the end of the night, Garrett can definitely see Becca as part of his family.
Jason’s Hometown Visit
Jason, the hair gel enthusiast whose name is helpfully (necessarily) posted when he appears on the screen, is equally proud of Becca and his hometown of Buffalo. To welcome her to his town, they kick things off with a traditional “Buffalonian” chicken wing eating competition and a hockey shootout because he was “born with skates on his feet.” Becca notes that …(quickly reads name from bottom of screen) Jason is “so full of life.” To prove that, they make out on a zamboni. For those keeping track at home: That is the second moving vehicle that Becca has made out on top of and that is neither a safer sex choice nor a safe driving choice. Jason then takes Becca to meet his mother (a woman tough enough to birth a son born with skates on his feet) who tells Jason that Becca may not be that into him. Jason swears he and Becca have a deep connection. Then Jason’s brother and his husband tell Jason that he better hurry and share his feelings with Becca ’cause time’s awastin’. So Jason runs out and tells Becca that he loves her forever and ever — and then she leaves to meet her other boyfriend. Isn’t love grand?
Blake’s Hometown Visit
It’s snowing so hard in Blake’s Colorado town that he has nothing better to do than take Becca to his high school to relive his glory days with his coaches in some Ted Demme scripted drama. The return to high school makes sense when Blake explains that he survived a school shooting, which is horrifying, and also survived his mom having affairs with his basketball coach and English teacher …so basically his life was an episode of One Tree Hill. Then Blake takes Becca to the auditorium and the always-delightful Betty Who performs for no apparent reason other than to add a little fun to the date. Eventually Blake takes Becca home to meet his mom who reminds Becca that she was engaged six months ago, and his dad, who gives Blake the whole real life vs reality show speech. They are both concerned about Blake, who they saw struggling after a broken relationship, but Blake is determined to “live like he never had his heart broke” which should be right up there with “Hang in There Kitten” as the greatest motivational slogan of all time. He loves Becca.
Colton’s Hometown Visit
Colton knows that his big revelation has put him on thin ice with Becca, so to soften her up he takes to the hospital to give gifts to a few kids first. It’s all part of Colton’s charitable works, but it also makes him nearly impossible to dump. Becca manages to express her concerns that Colton is ready for a real relationship, concerns that Colton does little to alleviate when he tells her that he has never brought a girl home before (although Twitter has a few doubts about the truth of that statement). Colton’s entire extended family of parents, siblings, aunts, and baby cousins are on hand to welcome Becca, but Colton ditches them all to go talk to his dad with whom he has a “coach like” relationship. Coach give him the thumbs up. Becca is nervous about Colton’s preparedness, but his mom swears that if her Big Boy is in love than he is ready to get married. At the end of the date, Colton tells Becca that he loves her.
Now that four men have declared their love for her, Becca has a big decision to make. She decides to bring in reinforcements a.k.a. her former competitors-turned-BFFs from The Bachelor. As Becca gives the details on her four potential husbands, Tia decides to rain on her parade by admitting that she still has feelings for Colton. Becca is frustrated with Tia, because she thought this conversation was over, when she really should be frustrated with the producers for giving her Tia’s sloppy seconds. Although this shouldn’t be a huge deal since they already both dated Arie and that was simultaneous. Becca decides she has some thinking to do before the Rose Ceremony.
Blake, Jason, Garrett, and dead-man-walking Colton head to the Rose Ceremony, but on the way in Colton stops to ask Chris Harrison, who is basically the show’s Resident Advisor for a quiet word. Colton reminds Chris Harrison that he is a virgin and wants to know what is expected of him in the Fantasy Suite. Chris Harrison fights the urge to roll his eyes and tells Colton that how he chooses to handle the Fantasy Suite “as a man” and with Becca “as a couple” is up to him, no pressure to consummate the relationship on national TV. Colton thanks him for the clarification.
Inside, Becca lines up the men and thanks them for their time. She hands the first rose to Blake. The second goes to (* quickly Googles name * ) Jason. The final rose goes to Garrett. That means Colton’s virtue will not be tested in the Fantasy Suite — and Becca’s friendship with Tia won’t be tested, either.