Things are getting really real on The Bachelorette because hometown dates are just around the corner. The men are now required to say things like, “It’s getting real, man” and “Meeting my family is a really big deal.” That’s right, we’ve reached the point in the show where the L-word is bandied about by the newly-serious men gnawing the spray tan stains off their fingernails and hoping they are vulnerable and open enough to get a rose and try to make up new things to be honest about so Becca rewards them with a rose.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:
Drama Free Zone
The number one thing that Becca is looking forward to in the Bahamas is no drama. She wants a drama-free zone so much that she can’t even manage to say the obligatory, “I’m looking forward to falling in love in the Bahamas” because falling in love would be too much drama. Becca then makes a rookie mistake saying that she can’t wait to have a relaxing time and she just hopes that no one ruins it. If that’s not the ominous sound of foreshadowing.
Becca invites Colton out for The Bachelor franchise’s standard boat date: They wear revealing swimwear, flirtatiously splash in the water, make out in front of the cameras, and generally recreate the Jay-Z on a jet ski meme. Back at the hotel, the men have nothing better to do than sit around the hotel room laying bets on whether or not Colton is planning on telling Becca that he is a virgin on his one-on-one date or just keeping the secret until one of the men is forced to tell Becca in a quiet, but intense conversation. Despite the fact that the producers failed to set this date on the Virgin Islands, Colton is still considering telling Becca his truth. However, the moment he works up his nerve, a man appears and bullies them into diving for conch, and then eating the conch’s piston, which is a well-known aphrodisiac known as the Bahamian Viagra. Between jokes about Colton’s big conch, Colton finally manages to tell Becca his big secret. He tells her that sports is a big conch blocker and he was too busy playing football to have girlfriend and he is a virgin. Becca replies, “Really?” And then excuses herself for one second to (guessing!) go scream, “Really???” in the bathroom and wish that she could call a girlfriend and scream, “Really?????” There is, of course, no way that Becca would dump Colton for being a virgin, but the show needs drama so she has to make the big old football player sweat a little. She returns to the table, thanks him for being vulnerable and honest, and rewards him with a date rose.
What A Beach
Becca then invites noted Instagram fanatic Garrett for a nearly identical date to the one she went on with Colton, but with a sea plane instead of a boat and 100% fewer conch jokes. Becca and Garrett romp, frolic, flirt and recreate that one scene from From Here To Eternity while a cameraman zooms in on their hands touching PG-13 style. Becca admits that she is falling for Garrett, but also has questions for him, like his feelings about hateful Instagram memes? Instead she asks him about his ex-wife and his family. She pins the rose on him and Garrett tells the camera that he no longer sees Becca as his girlfriend but as his “potential wife.” Then they strip down to their swimsuits and go for a night swim as Becca claims she has never felt this way about anyone — not even Arie!
We Were On A Break!
Just as Becca is about to choose who will fill the vacancy in her heart, the reality show is interrupted by Donald Trump’s reality show-style announcement of who will fill the vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court. Brett Kavanaugh, will you accept this rose?
Then Becca invites Blake on the exact same date that she went on with Colton and Garrett, but with 100% more Baha Men performing their hit, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Becca has so much fun that she feels “like she is glowing from the inside out.” She and Blake make out on a beach, make out in the water, ride horses on the beach, and get vulnerable with each other, which is not euphemism. Blake tells her that the last week has been really tough for him mentally and Becca decides the best response to that is to tell him that she now sympathizes with Arie because she too likes a few people and understands why he brutally dumped her on live TV to take up with her runner up. Blake doesn’t look thrilled about hearing that his girlfriend loves multiple people, but hey buddy that’s what you signed up for. Over dinner, Blake tells Becca that his mom had affairs with his basketball coach and English teacher. After that confession, Becca definitely wants a hometown visit. She quickly gives him the date rose. To seal the deal, Blake tells her he loves her and Becca tells the camera that she is in love with him, but has to hold back for dramatic purposes.
To decide which of her remaining suitors will earn the last rose, Becca invites Wills, Jason, and Leo out on a three-on-one date. Then she makes them play beach volleyball for her love. Wills and Becca spend a lot of time kissing and talking about family. Jason, whose name I still have to read off the bottom of the screen, is very excited to introduce Becca to his family and they engage in some light canoodling. Leo and Becca have an honest talk and they both admit that they aren’t quite at the meet-the-family point in their relationship. As Becca rejoins Wills and Jason, Leo stands alone in the waves staring off into the middle distance. They leave him alone on the shore as they continue their date. At dinner, Wills tells Becca that she made him believe in love again, while Jason says that “the vibe they are forming” is like nothing he has ever felt before. Guess which one Becca chose? Wills tries not to cry on national television and almost manages it.