The Bachelorette Watch: Becca Wants a ‘Lumberjack for Her Lumberjill’

The men are dropping like flies on The Bachelorette. At the end of last week’s episode, David a.k.a. the man who arrived at the mansion dressed like a chicken, fell off the top bunk and landed on his face and ended up in the hospital. He claims the worst part of the whole ordeal was not his smashed up face, but “being away from Becca.” Um, sure, dude. On the plus side, he delivered the line without cracking a smile, which probably would have hurt. Becca gave him a rose for his efforts. Then Clay, the NFL player with the heart-of-gold and wrists of porcelain, injured his arm playing football on The Bachelorette and had to leave to get an operation. After packing in so much drama last week, the show didn’t have time to kick anyone else off.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

The Rose Ceremony

Colton, Chris, and David all have roses, but Jordan is confident he will get one, too, because Becca gave him gold lamé hot pants, which is definitely an item women give their future husbands. Some Sopranos extra looking guy named Jason got the first rose, followed by Wills, a walking Pukka shell necklace named Nick, the Harlem Globetrotter Christon, the recently convicted Lincoln, Blake who is the living embodiment of “aw shucks,” racist-meme-liker Garrett, stuntman Leo, and a bunch of guys named John, and Connor. Jordan finally gets his rose, and the final rose goes to cologne enthusiast, Jean-Blanc. She bid farewell to two men whose names have already been lost like rose petals in the wind. One of the men had a man bun, which may have been the cause of his doom.

Road Trip!

Becca takes her show on the road, uprooting her gaggle of guys and taking them to Park City, Utah. There she invites Garrett to come wander the streets of with her. They did juice shots, drank espresso, and to keep his hands busy so he couldn’t like anymore problematic Instagram photos, they held hands. Becca says Garrett “reminds her of home” and, yeah, he’s probably the frontrunner and ABC is going to have to try and whitewash the engagement (and the fact that he should never have made it through casting in the first place.) But first: bobsledding! Two Olympic silver medalists, Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock, teach the new couple the secrets of the sport, which they claim is about being in sync with each other. While that sounds like the typical sappy Bachelor malarkey of bobsledding as metaphor for marriage, the Olympians were teammates and then fell in love and now are married with children. After zipping down a mountain, they retire to a cozy lodge to drink and they talk about their past relationships (Garrett blames the other person entirely, of course). Then Becca tells Garrett that he reminds her of her father and they go slow dancing in front of the crowd at a country concert. Garrett gets a rose — and probably the ring.

Back at the Ranch

While Becca bobsleds with Garrett, Jean Blanc announces that he is determined to get “his woman,“ because he is really feeling the connection and is convinced he is getting the next one-on-one date. Also, Lincoln is convinced that the Earth is flat, but it’s hard to think of him as even laughable, when he’s been convicted of assault and battery after he “groped and assaulted“ a woman in 2016. He pleaded guilty to charges of indecent assault and battery last May — almost a full year ahead of when filming for the season began. ABC said it ran a background report on him, which didn’t turn up any evidence of his crimes.

Axe Men

Becca grew up watching lumberjack competitions and she can’t wait to find ”the lumberjack for her lumberjill.” She takes the men out to the woods and makes them throw axes, chop lumber, and generally prove they could provide for the family — if the family were transported back to Little House on the Prairie times or forced to live in a post-apocalyptic hellscape, which is more likely. At the end of the log rolling, axe-wielding competition, Venmo John rises above the fray winning the competition. That’s right, not only did he create Venmo’s app, but he can lift a 400-pound log, too. Get in line behind Becca, ladies!

The After Party

While Jordan tries to get Becca’s attention by traipsing around in the golden underwear Becca bequeathed him, Becca barely noticed him because she was otherwise occupied. “Jason is a very good kisser,” Becca says at the after party. Then she makes out with Colton and while the producers didn’t make a Tia-shaped thought bubble floating over Becca’s head, it seems impossible that she is over the fact that her “boyfriend” dated her “friend” Tia first. During his time with Becca, Jean Blanc presents Becca with a specially-made bottle of perfume — and then leans in for an awkward kiss that is not totally reciprocated. Then he declares that he is falling in love with her, which Becca is not ready for. She tells him she is not on the same page and never will be. As she walks him out to send him home, Jean Blanc tries to take it back. Unsurprisingly that doesn’t help the situation. She packs him off in the limo of shame and storms back into the party to tell the other men that all she wants from them is honesty.

The Drama

Colton decides that he needs to talk to Jordan. So he takes him outside, calls him a name, and tells him to stop walking around in his underwear because it’s disrespectful to Becca or something. The whole fight fizzles out quickly and it seems clear that the producers are just trying to stir up trouble like bored gods in a Greek comedy.

Therapy Session

Becca invites Wills out to romp in the snow and while it’s supposed to be a one-on-one date, it’s really a therapy session. Becca is still reeling from Jean Blanc’s fake admission of love (or real admission of fake love) and is feeling raw and emotional. Wills is a good listener, though, and between snowmobiling and a picnic on a mountain, Becca tells him all about her insecurities with the “Bachelor” process. Wills manages to calm her down, quell her fears about finding love on reality TV, and shows that he too can be vulnerable by talking about his past heartbreak. He earns a rose and a kiss or two, although he should have submitted a bill to Becca for his therapy services.

The Rose Ceremony 2.0

Becca decided to skip the Cocktail Party this week and instead jumped straight into the show’s second Rose Ceremony. She gives a rose to stuntman Leo, Colton, Blake, Venmo John, a bunch of other guys, and giving the final rose to Jordan. Becca ends up paring her harem down to a mere 12 men, sending home track suit enthusiast Nick and Christon, who will have to try and find love with a Harlem Globetrotters groupie instead.

Things to Look Forward to

Next week, Jordan, who you may recall is a male model, promises that he’s about to go “from Captain Underpants to Captain Just Stole Everyone’s Girl.”