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Coffee Warmer USB Hub ($16.99)


Two questions: Do you like drinking lukewarm coffee? Do you like crawling under your desk to plug in all your gadgets? No, no, a thousand times no to both questions. This is the greatest country in the world: Why shouldn’t you own a device that keeps your coffee warm and lets you plug four USB gadgets into it? It’s called convergence, and you’re the new Convergence Sheriff in this office. Carl Andrews from Biz Dev was the former sheriff but he quit when he bought a B&B up in Kennebunkport in order to make a go of it in the burgeoning hospitality industry. Greatest country in the world, and all: you’ve gotta take advantage of those business opportunities.


Bulletproof Clipboard ($39.99)


Look, you could spend a few bucks on a clipboard that doesn’t stop bullets. But why not spend $40 on a clipboard that does stop bullets. For starters, it’s quite a conversation piece. I don’t know about you, but in my line of work, we talk about clipboards on a daily basis. Having a bulletproof clipboard adds a certain je-ne-sais-quoi to just about any clipboard-related conversation. If you’re in a clipboard-related conversation and the other person isn’t interested in your bulletproof clipboard, walk away. It’s not worth pursuing, personally or professionally.


Heated Lotion Dispenser ($39.95)

Hammacher Schlemmer

Your reputation at work is that of a normal, down-to-earth, model employee. Let’s shake things up a bit. Bring this dispenser into the office and you could be known as the creepy, hot-lotion person. Someone stops by your desk to chat about clipboards? Send them on their way with a handful of hot, greasy lotion. People in a meeting need a little perking up? “Hey, you guys are more than welcome to some of my hot lotion,” you’ll say. Your boss wants to talk about your performance? Make sure that initial handshake is firm and hot, yet baby-skin soft.

[Hammacher Schlemmer]

Zamboni Desk Vacuum ($14.94)


It’s come to my attention that some of you didn’t grow up in Minnesota like I did. But where I come from, the Zamboni is more highly-revered than the sportiest of sports cars. All kids want one, but only one kid in your high school grows up to drive one on a daily basis (Hi, Rob!). Thankfully, the mighty Zamboni has been shrunken down and outfitted with some potent suction, perfect for snorting up all those unsightly Cheez-It bits you have a habit of dropping. Just as your body is a temple, so too is your desk a hockey rink of productivity. Keep it clean.


Mousing-Hand Garage ($38.98)


Other than stepping in a puddle while wearing socks, there’s not much worse than saddling up to a cold desk surface first thing in the morning in the dead of winter. How are you supposed to gracefully tab through those mountainous spreadsheets when your dexterity’s been compromised by sub-optimal hand and wrist temperatures?! This USB-powered hand garage keeps your digits nice and toasty while you’re clicking and scrolling during even the most blustery of nor’easters.


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