The Bachelorette Recap: It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Calls the Ambulance

This week on The Bachelorette, Becca is still looking for love. She is slowly finding a few men that she is happy to make out with on national television and a few that she thinks just might be husband material. Before she can convince someone to put a ring on it (again) she has to go on a few more dates.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

This Is Spa-rta

Becca brought in a little back-up for her group date — her “girls,” a.k.a. the other women that Arie tossed aside on his way to find true love. Included in that mix? Tia, who just happened to date Colton. Tia tells Becca that they did date, but she doesn’t want her obsessing over it. The producers have other plans, though. They want to make sure things stay awkward as long as possible. As the men dole out G-rated massages and paint the women’s toes, Becca and Tia go to talk. Tia admits they dated for awhile, but swears they did nothing more than kiss. Becca suspects Colton signed up to audition for The Bachelorette thinking Tia would be the star, which Tia admits could be true, but probably isn’t. However, she thinks Becca should talk to Colton and decide for herself. Meanwhile, the men continue the nearly impossible task of giving gorgeous women back rubs in order to impress their girlfriend. Becca is suitably impressed, especially when the men let the women paint their nails and Jordan was so determined to give her a foot massage that it seems like he is one of those people who Googles pictures of celebrities’ feet.

The After Party

Jean Blanc does a classic move, where he shows Becca his freshly-painted nails and when she takes his hand to look, he grabs her for some alone time. The rest of the men are too impressed to be jealous. Becca then makes out with a man whose name she forgot mere minutes ago. Then Jordan announced to the crowd that he had 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017, which considering there are only 365 days in a year, how much time did he spend swiping on Tinder?! David immediately reports this fun factoid to Becca, who high-fives Jordan, because she’s a cool girl. David and Jordan exchange words while Wills and Jason try — and fail — not to laugh in Jordan’s face as he reminds them that he is a Wilhelmina model.

Best Jordan Quote

“Attached to me is professionality. Attached to me is my face.”

The Big Talk

Becca pulls Colton aside for a talk and he swears that Tia meant nothing to him and he is 100% here for Becca. He just wants Becca to get to know him. She doesn’t want to be hurt again. He pinkyswears he won’t and that’s good enough for her. They make out and then he gets the Date Rose.

A Marxist Date

Becca takes a man named Chris on a date to Capitol Records where Richard Marx is casually playing the piano when they walk in to his recording studio. Becca begs him to sing “Right Here Waiting,” which he does. Then Richard Marx tells them to go write their own love songs, which sends Chris into an emotional spiral about his relationship with his father. They hug it out and Richard Marx gives them his seal of approval. Later, Becca plays therapist and asks Chris why Richard Marx sent him to such a dark place. He explains that he is a child of divorce and that tragic backstory and his willingness to be vulnerable was rewarded with a Date Rose. Then they go slow dance in a while Richard Marx is forced to once again play “Right Here Waiting” even though he has written 240 other songs and why doesn’t anyone want to slow dance to those songs, huh?

First Blood

Chris Harrison goes to knock on Becca’s door, which rightly makes her nervous. He tells her that there was an incident and one of her guys was rushed to the hospital and is in intensive care. While the editing monkeys were trying to make it seem like Jordan pummeled him, the truth is he just fell out of the top bunk — and broke his fall with his face.

First Down

Becca invites several of her beaus, including Clay, a man who plays football for a living, to play football for her love. After a brief training session, they suited up and played ball. They ran around throwing the ball, tackling each other and talking trash, then Clay got sick of everyone. He used all ten years of his NFL experience to brush off his competitors like fleas, but then he hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital instead of the after party. Becca rolled up to the party like Hugh Hefner in what looked like a silver bathrobe. It looked like Blake won the night by calling Becca his girlfriend, which made her all gooey inside. But then Clay showed up with his arm in a sling and Becca kissed him to make it better and gave him the Date Rose. However, the next evening Clay admitted that the doctor told him he needed an operation on his wrist and, as a professional athlete, he kind of needed to go get it fixed. He put up a good fight pretending that the woman he has never gone on a one-on-one date with is more important to him than his NFL career. He then told Becca that while he wished he could stay and see where their fake-relationship could go, he needed to get his wrist fixed and, you know, sue the production company. He hugged her goodbye and walks off into the sunset.

Most Historic Rose Ceremony Ever

Then the show was interrupted for the historic handshake between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and everyone on Twitter made the same joke