If George R.R. Martin and J.R.R. Tolkien Had an Epic Rap Battle It Would Look Like This

If you pit Game of Thrones against Lord of the Rings, who wins?

In a new video, actors playing authors George R.R. Martin and J.R.R. Tolkien (the latter passed away in 1973) face off in an epic—and satirical—rap battle brutally roasting each other in an effort to reign supreme in the fantasy genres. The video also gives fans an idea of what it would look like if, as in The Highlander, there could only be one literary superstar with the middle initials “R.R.”.

In his opening volley, Martin takes Tolkien to task for letting the good guys win and actually keeping beloved characters alive until the end of the book. In his words: “All your bad guys die and good guys survive/we can tell what’s gonna happen by page and age five.”

“Your hobbit hole heroes can’t handle my throne!” crows Martin.

“You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq,” answers Tolkien, throwing down the iron gauntlet, “You and Jon Snow, both know nothing!” Tolkien continues accusing Martin of Hob-biting his work. “You’re a pirate, you even stole my R. R.,” cackles Tolkien, adding, “In book sales, you’ve got nothing to say, I’m number one and two, you’re below Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Ouch!

Watch it above.