The Bachelor Watch: What Happens In Vegas

Welcome back to The Bachelor where what happens in Vegas … gets broadcast to the entire world! That’s right, Ben has moved on to what Chris Harrison calls “the marriage capital of the world” — Las Vegas. Pretty sure that’s not a thing they actually call the town, Harrison.

As the numbers of women swapping Crest White Strips and Daisy Razors as they vie for Ben’s heart dwindles, the show is embarking on its annual traveling road show. First stop, Vegas. Next, the world!

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

The First Date: Jo Jo, who as far as we know is not a potato-based product, gets the first one-on-one date in Vegas. A helicopter lands on a rooftop, knocking over the complimentary champagne and flipping a table better than a Real Housewife. Ben and Jo Jo use the trauma of lost champagne as an excuse to make out, not realizing that the copter has landed in full view of the hotel suite and all the women are watching them kiss. Most of the women have the decency to avert their eyes, but a few linger to gawk. They are probably waiting to see if Jo Jo’s sleeveless trapeze crop top flies away like the champagne. Later, the producers make Jo Jo put on something not susceptible to falling victim to light breezes and Ben hands her a Date Rose without the producers bothering to show the date at all. Too boring? Too much drama later? Too many sleeveless trapeze crop tops flying in the breeze? Whatever the reason, date’s over! In case you were concerned, Olivia is “zen with Ben” and is very confident in their relationship.

The Group Date: The producers have just a small date planned for Ben and Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, both Laurens, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia — the opening slot at a Terry Fator show in front of 1200 people. They’ll be showing off their talents, which include Jubilee who plays the cello, the twins who are dancers, and Amanda who juggles. Olivia doesn’t have a talent per se, but claims she “doesn’t get embarrassed by anything” and promises to “stand out.” “Bam Shabam!” she declares and lest you worry that Olivia has cornered the market on ridiculous sayings, before taking the stage to synchronize clog dance, Haley and Emily announce that they are “in it to twin it!” Eventually Olivia reveals that her secret talent is popping out of a cake in an outfit comprised solely of glitter and kicking her legs around awhile. Cringe worthy does not quite cover it. Olivia laughs and smiles her way through it — and promptly has a panic attack after leaving the stage. We know this because she keeps announcing, “I’m having a panic attack! I’m having a panic attack!” as she shows herself into the Boyz II Men green room (only in Vegas!) to panic in peace. She then reminds herself that she came on the show “to be marriage material” and may have mucked that up. Girl, if Lauren H. can dress like a joke-telling chicken and the twins can do a Riverdance, you should be fine.

The After Party: Caila comes out of her shell in Vegas to the point that Ben calls her a “sex panther,” which sounds pretty judge-y, but is probably a compliment. Lauren H is forced to share her alone time with Ben with a puppet (which is not a euphemism). Olivia is embarrassed in the wake of her performance, but Ben swears it was all good. She doesn’t believe him, though, because their conversation was awkward and stilted. She apparently hasn’t realized that all of their conversations since their first date have been awkward and stilted. (One word proof: Cankles.) As everyone takes their turns with Ben, Lauren B. admits that she’s falling for Ben, but she’s “scared to be in love.” As Emily talks to Ben, Olivia interrupts them to talk to Ben (again!) to apologize (again!) and hopes that she gets the Date Rose. She doesn’t. It goes to Lauren B. instead because she told Ben that he might be her last first date ever, like it was a good thing.

The Second Date: It’s Becca’s Big Day! Ben invited her to marry …other people with him for their date. Ben got ordained and is presiding over some ceremonies. Proving how serious he is, he unbuttons his three shirt buttons and greets the groom with a very sincere, “What’s upppp.” Becca swears he did great and they make out between weddings, classy like. Before heading home, Ben takes Becca to an actually cool place — Las Vegas’s Neon Museum, a graveyard for the city’s famed neon signs. Don’t let fear of The Bachelor‘s disease vectors keep you from visiting if you’re ever in Vegas. Surrounded by neon signs, Ben and Becca talk about the fact that she’s a virgin and he’s not and yet they are both Christians. Then they kiss with Jesus undoubtedly smiling down upon their union. Ben then makes some vows to Becca including weirdly “always making eye contact when they talk,” which sounds potentially very awkward. (Does he know she’s not Lace?) Becca vows that “she’s in this” which is a terrible vow. She gets a Date Rose anyway and tells the camera that she can see herself as the Future Mrs. Ben Higgins.

Surprise! Third Date: After talking to God and/or Becca, Ben has a crisis of conscience and realizes he can’t continue to date sisters. So finally, the date of every perv’s dream finally comes true — Ben is going on a two-on-one date with the twins. But the show apparently doesn’t have a budget for a third glam date, so he just takes them to hang out at their mom’s house with their wiener dog collection. The twins get Ben’s debacle, but as Emily says, “Eventually he’ll find a twin he’ll feel deeper towards.” Since Haley has gotten no screen time (unless they’ve got a Parent Trap thing going on), he chooses Emily. He leaves Haley at home with her mom to spoon feed her Ben and Jerry’s and her four dachshunds to warm her toes. Emily and Ben make out as Haley is left in the limo’s dust. Christmas is going to be awko-taco.

The Cocktail Party: Now that Ben has sent Haley home to mom, everyone knows he’s serious. Olivia wants to talk to Ben immediately, but she’s bested by Jen. So Olivia interrupts her to feed Ben cake, which is her true talent, apparently. “Olivia is here for you,” declares Olivia. Ben is here for a lot of people, though. He kisses Becca, Caila, Jubilee, and pretty much everyone except Olivia.

The Rose Ceremony: Becca, Lauren B., and Jo Jo all have roses and at the ceremony, Ben first hands a rose to Amanda, followed by Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, and Caila. All the while Olivia voice overs that she would be shocked if she didn’t get a rose. Jennifer and then Leah are called, and then Chris Harrison announces that it’s the Final Rose. Olivia thinks Ben is sending her a secret message by choosing her last. He finally caves to producer pressure and calls her name. Amber sobs as she and Rachel (an unemployed Arkansan who does not look even remotely familiar) are sent home.

Next week: Ben and his wife material invade Mexico. Blame NAFTA.