--- title: Senator Kirsten Gillibrand on Why She Hates the Phrase 'Having it All' description: The Senator from New York opens up about appearance, sexism and how competitive sports helped her succeed canonical: https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/ author: Charlotte Alter article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-10-02T00:32:49.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-10-01T09:01:43.697Z og:title: Senator Kirsten Gillibrand on Why She Hates the Phrase 'Having it All' og:description: The Senator from New York opens up about appearance, sexism and how competitive sports helped her succeed og:url: https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf0ed2338eda6558d/6986a6b6d0b6f282d430673a/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 3000 og:image:height: 1688 og:image:alt: US-POLITICS-CONGRESS-SEXUAL ASSAULT og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Senator Kirsten Gillibrand on Why She Hates the Phrase 'Having it All' twitter:description: The Senator from New York opens up about appearance, sexism and how competitive sports helped her succeed twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf0ed2338eda6558d/6986a6b6d0b6f282d430673a/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase 'Having It All' > Sponsored content. 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It explains the politics, personalities and power dynamics behind the headlines, twice a week. #### Where can I get analysis of Washington politics by email? D.C. Brief is TIME's free Washington politics newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. It is written by a TIME senior correspondent who covers the capital full time. #### Who writes TIME's D.C. Brief? Philip Elliott, a senior correspondent at TIME, writes D.C. Brief. #### Is D.C. Brief free? Yes. D.C. Brief is free at time.com/newsletters. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-dcbrief-2026q3/newsletters?i=11260e51-5bcb-4a12-b64a-f345b0b2d50f&cr=time-nl-dcbrief-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase ‘Having It All’ [Watch (HLS stream): Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase ‘Having It All’](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/bIthdImd.m3u8) (2:23)  _Published 2014-10-02. Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase ‘Having It All’_  by [Charlotte Alter](https://time.com/author/charlotte-alter/)  ## Charlotte Alter Senior Correspondent Oct 2, 2014 12:32 AM UTC Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase ‘Having It All’  by [Charlotte Alter](https://time.com/author/charlotte-alter/)  ## Charlotte Alter Senior Correspondent Oct 2, 2014 12:32 AM UTC Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) hates the phrase “having it all.” “I think it’s insulting,” she told TIME’s Nancy Gibbs at the Real Simple/TIME Women & Success Panel Wednesday night. “What are you ‘having?’ A party? Another slice of pie?” “‘All’ implies that a woman staying home with her kids is somehow living a life half-full. What we’re really talking about is doing it all. How do we help women do all the things they want to do?” Gillibrand knows a thing or two about _doing_ it all. The junior Senator from New York has spent much of her five years in office fighting to address sexual assaults in the military and on college campuses, all while raising two young boys. She opens up about her journey in a new book, [_Off the Sidelines_](http://offthesidelines.org/)_,_ which included a bombshell revelation that some of her fellow Senators had made comments about her weight, including the now-infamous [“porky” comments. ](http://time.com/3197103/kirsten-gillibrand-senate-sexism/)She dedicates a whole chapter in her book to how a hyper-focus on appearance affects women who run for office. ([MORE: _Frozen_ Songwriter Kristen Anderson-Lopez on Her ‘Aha’ Moment](http://time.com/3453959/frozen-songwriter-kristen-anderson-lopez-aha-moment/)) “In my first race, my opponent went after me twice on two different kinds of appearance digs: the first was she’s just a pretty face, meaning I’m far too stupid to be in Congress. And I said ‘thank you,'” she said. “The second one was negative campaign mailers where he used a very unattractive picture of me where I happened to be doing a press conference outside and my hair is waving wildly. And he tints it green, so I looked like this crazy witch with crazy hair and a green face—as if to say ‘how could you possibly trust this woman?'” “They’ve studied this and they’ve found when \[a woman\]’s appearance is commented on publicly during a campaign, it undermines her; it actually hurts her,” the Senator said. “And it doesn’t matter if the comment is positive or negative. It undermines her credibility.” But how did Gillibrand gain the confidence to continue running for office, despite her detractors? She attributes a lot of that bravery to playing competitive sports as a girl. “When you play on a soccer team or a squash team, you lose a lot, so you’re not afraid of being in a competitive situation,” she said. “I all of a sudden realized you can win by losing. When you play a tough match, when you compete, you learn a lot about your opponent.” She also learned through competitive sports that losing can be “a gift.” ([MORE: Tamron Hall on How Not Getting Jobs Helped Her Succeed](http://time.com/3453940/tamron-hall-on-how-not-getting-jobs-helped-her-succeed/)) “If you’re willing to fail, you’re willing to compete,” she said. “You will not only learn faster, but that fear is eliminated.” She added that mentorship helps a lot in navigating those moments when you do fail. She said Hillary Clinton has taken a few moments here and there over the course of her career to guide her in the right direction, and it’s helped her immensely, encouraging audience members to reach out to other young women in a mentorship capacity. “\[Clinton\] helped me make the right decisions at the right time,” she said. ([MORE: Kirsten Gillibrand on the 2014 TIME 100](http://time.com/70842/kirsten-gillibrand-2014-time-100/)) But Gillibrand was careful to add that, for her, success wasn’t just about empowering professional women to achieve their goals–it was also about helping poor women. “We have to break the glass ceiling, but we also have to clean the sticky floor,” she said, noting that women are the sole or primary breadwinners in 4 out of 10 American families. “All of these women who are working to provide for their kids also need basic support.” In order to help those women, the U.S. workforce needs paid family leave, equal pay, and universal pre-K, she said, adding that we’re unlikely to see those advancements until there are more women in Congress. Gillibrand pointed to the debate over contraception as an example of how out-of-touch the mostly-male legislature is with women’s issues, noting that 98% of American women have taken some form of contraception in their lives. “Basic rights that our mothers and grandmothers successfully fought for are still on the table,” she said. “I can guarantee you that if Congress was 51% women, we wouldn’t be wasting a day on whether women should have affordable contraception. We would be talking about the economy.” ## Transcript [00:00] I don't think there has been a, any kind of a discussion of [00:04] any kind about women and success that does not at some [00:06] point address the question about having it all. I [00:11] really dislike the phrase having it all. I think it's insulting. [00:13] And the reason is. Look at the first word, having. What are [00:17] you having? Are you having a party? Are you having a [00:19] second slice of pie? You've obviously having something [00:22] you're not supposed to have because it's framed as having [00:24] it all. The all is insulting because it's undermining [00:28] women, it's pitting women against each other saying a [00:30] woman who stays at home with her kids is sometime, [00:33] somehow has a life that's half full. So having it all is a very [00:36] unhelpful debate. Because most women are doing it all. So [00:40] what we really should be talking about is how do we help [00:43] women do all the things they must do. Because the face of [00:47] the workforce has changed. Eight out of ten families the [00:51] mom is going to work. Four out of 10 families [00:55] the mom is either the primary or the sole bread winner of [00:59] the family. So why aren't we supporting that, why aren't we [01:01] just doing basic things like equal pay for equal work. If you [01:05] just paid a women a $ 1 on the $ 1 you could raise the GDP [01:08] by up to 4 %. So it's an easy economic engine that we [01:11] should all be fighting for. But other simpler things like [01:14] universal pre- k or affordable daycare. That would be so [01:17] helpful for families who have young children. And then the [01:21] one that probably upsets me the most is that we have no [01:24] paid leave. We are the only industrialized country in the [01:27] world. It doesn't have paid leave. Countries who don't even [01:30] educate their girls, like Afghanistan and Pakistan have [01:34] paid leave, but somehow America can't find its way to [01:37] supporting families. It's a huge issue and it means all of us [01:41] have to raise our voice and say these changes would [01:43] make a difference, of course we have to break the glass [01:45] ceiling. But we also have to focus on the sticky floor, and [01:48] what I mean by that is the woman who's gonna clean this [01:52] beautiful hotel tonight, and clean all the rooms, she has [01:56] hours she must work. She probably doesn't have sick days. [01:58] She may not have any vacation days. So if she has a [02:02] family emergency that she has to meet. Whether it's a sick [02:04] child or a dying parent, if she misses work she'll likely be [02:08] fired. If she's not fired she certainly will lose out on [02:10] promotional opportunities. And we should care about that [02:14] just as much, that all of these women who are working to [02:17] provide for their kids need basic support. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/"},"headline":"Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase 'Having It All'","datePublished":"2014-10-02T00:32:49.000Z","dateModified":"2026-10-01T09:01:43.697Z","description":"The Senator from New York opens up about appearance, sexism and how competitive sports helped her succeed","url":"https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/","keywords":["Living","feminism","Senate","politics","People","career"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf0ed2338eda6558d/6986a6b6d0b6f282d430673a/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Charlotte Alter","jobTitle":"Senior Correspondent","url":"https://time.com/author/charlotte-alter/"}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf0ed2338eda6558d/6986a6b6d0b6f282d430673a/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"US-POLITICS-CONGRESS-SEXUAL ASSAULT","caption":"US-POLITICS-CONGRESS-SEXUAL ASSAULT","creditText":"Mandel —AFP/Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/time-section-living/","name":"Living"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/","name":"Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase 'Having It All'"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase ‘Having It All’","description":"Kirsten Gillibrand On Why She Hates the Phrase ‘Having It All’","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/bIthdImd/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2014-10-02T18:18:58.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/bIthdImd.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/","duration":"PT2M23S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/3453839/kirsten-gillibrand-have-it-all/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```