Welcome back to Dancing With the Stars, where this week we will be treated to something called #MyJamMonday, a theme that even host Tom Bergeron can’t say without an eye roll and a half-smirk. On Week 2 of Dancing With the Stars, the contestants’ ranks have been diminished by one Olympian (so long, Lolo Jones!), but the 12 remaining ersatz celebrities are still bringing their A-game dance moves, angling for a shot to bring the Mirror Ball Trophy home to perch on their mantels and make their neighbors jealous.
Here’s what happened this week on Dancing With the Stars:
Randy Couture and Karina Smirnoff: MMA fighter Randy Couture dressed up as a doughboy (in front of an audience of actual enlisted men) to dance a cha-cha to a funky version of either the Rolling Stones’ or Otis Redding’s “Satisfaction.” Len Goodman noted that his footwork was off, but his heart was in the right place. Carrie Ann Inaba wanted something more aggressive and sexier. Karina, who wore an extra few coats of spray tan for the occasion, accepted the criticism with a smile, because she is contractually obligated to do so. 28/40
Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy: A masked-ball-inspired formal foxtrot to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” is a mouthful of a sentence that could only happen on Dancing With the Stars. Julianne Hough, sporting a weird bird’s-nest-hair-crown thing, noted that while it wasn’t a traditional foxtrot, she loved it. Bruno Tonioli deemed it “almost perfect.” 34/40
Lea Thompson and Artem Chigvintsev: Bruno compared Lea to “Ann Margaret in her prime” after her fast-paced jive to Wilson Pickett’s “Land of 1000 Dances.” Carrie-Ann was so excited by the routine that she fell out of her chair, accidentally kicking Len in his “lower portion.” Julianne called Lea “a hot mama leopard,” which is moderately better than being called a cougar. 35/40
Michael Waltrip and Emma Slater: The NASCAR driver’s favorite song is “Girls in Bikinis” by Lee Brice. For the routine, Waltrip dressed like your embarrassing uncle who insists you do the chicken dance with him at every wedding. Despite his many, many hip rolls, Carrie Ann noted that there wasn’t much samba in the routine, but Len couldn’t help but admire his white pants and party moves. 24/40
Tavis Smiley and Sharna Burgess: The PBS host was too busy with his book tour for Death of a King, which looks to really polish his cha-cha, and it showed. (Has there ever been a DWTS star tired from book tour before?) While Len approved of the song choice, Earth, Wind and Fire’s “Boogie Wonderland,” and Julianne loved his fright wig, it was only Carrie Ann who really liked the routine, saying it felt like his jam. 28/40
Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney Carson: As a shout-out to his Fresh Prince past, Alfonso danced a samba to Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It,” as you do. The routine earned him a standing ovation from the audience, but the judges felt the need to nitpick, even though it’s only Week 2. That’s what you get for setting the bar so high last week. Aim low, Alfonso! 32/40
Bethany Mota and Derek Hough: The YouTube star twisted her ankle last week, but powered through it thanks to the fact that Taylor Swift herself tweeted that she loved her “Shake It Off” routine from last week. To follow that coup, Derek choreographed a Fosse-esque foxtrot to Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass.” The surprisingly classy routine earned a 9 from Len, who said she should “put it on her blog.” 33/40
Betsey Johnson and Tony Dovolani: For her big comeback, after disappointing first-week scores, the designer opted to do a foxtrot to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” Carrie Ann rose to her feet and declared, “All hail Queen Betsey,” earning herself a spot on the Betsey Johnson Friends and Family list for life. Julianne declared it, “simple, elegant and timeless.” 28/40
Antonio Sabato Jr., and Cheryl Burke: If you want to make a rumba even sexier in two easy steps, dance it with noted hunk Antonio and set it to Miguel’s steamy song “Adorn.” Len told the former Calvin Klein model not to torment himself, but to just come out each week and do a little better, which he pulled off this week. Bruno noted that he has “a very nice butt” and he should use it to his advantage. 31/40
Tommy Chong and Peta Murgatroyd: Tommy Chong added some spicy moves to his salsa routine set to “Higher” by Gloria Estefan, including ripping his shirt open midroutine, and the judges loved it. Julianne dubbed it “f’ing fantastic” because it was fun and fast and funny. Len admired the fact that he was 76 and still working his “assets.” Tommy claims that the rush made him feel younger, like, at least 72 years old. He also promised to save the world next week if everyone votes for him this week. 28/40
Jonathan Bennett and Allison Holker: Jonathan decided to dance a cha-cha to Ed Sheeran’s “Sing.” Carrie Ann didn’t think there was enough cha-cha in it. Len thought it was jerky, with too much “flim flam” and not enough of the dance’s elements. Julianne encouraged them to keep doing what they were doing, because it was working for them. She better judge him kindly, because she may have just outed the Mean Girls star as gay. 30/40
Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas: While the Duck Dynasty scion may be only 17, she knows her demographic and set her country-jazz routine to Jason Aldean’s “She’s Country.” Carrie Ann was worried that Sadie’s dad would have a problem with the sexiness of the line-dancing-inspired routine. 31/40
The Leaderboard: Lea Thompson and Janel Parrish topped the rankings this week, with Michael Waltrip trailing in the race.
Best Reason to Come Back Tomorrow: Someone gets to go back to their day job. If they have one, that is.