$0 to $9,075: Giant Beer Glass (Price: $10)
The economy, man. It’s rough! (It’s still rough, right?) You might not be pulling in a handsome chunk of change yet, but that doesn’t mean you should have to make four separate trips to the fridge every time you want to sedate yourself.
This giant 53-ounce beer glass costs a mere 10 bones and holds four 12-ounce bottles of suds with five ounces left over for a nice, frothy head. Or maybe dump some tequila in there instead.
$9,076 to $36,900: Wine Bottle Combo Lock (Price: $22)
At your salary, sharing wine with people is a luxury you just can’t afford. Wine should be like gas money for you: If someone wants to kick in a finski, then grab another glass. If not, hit the bricks. This $22 combo lock corks your wine with a four-digit passcode to keep freeloaders from wheezing the juice.
“You can afford a wine-bottle lock but you can’t afford to share?” your guests will ask. “I can afford a wine-bottle lock because I don’t share,” you’ll respond. They’ll ironically call you Fun Terry from that point on, by the way.
$36,901 to $89,350: Lawn Chair with Tablet Holder (Price: $60)
You work hard all day. Okay, most of the day. Okay, you work? “Eh.” You manage to make it into work most days? Yes? Okay. Then why, when you get home at night, should you have to choose between going outside on a beautiful summer night or sitting comfortably inside playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood on your iPad?
Merge your love of outdoor living and the emptiness of worshiping celebrities with this $60 tablet lawn chair. It’s got a 12-inch steel gooseneck that accommodates 7- to 10-inch tablets. There’s a drink holder, too! And a pouch for snacks and stuff. Go easy on the snacks, though: The chair only supports up to 250 pounds and you don’t want to get your tablet all greasy.
$89,351 to $186,350: Ear-Cleaning Whatsit That Connects to Your Computer (Price: $201)
There’s finally a way to see the gunk in your ears as you’re cleaning them out! The $201 Sugoi Mimikaki Ear Pick connects to your Windows PC or tablet via USB, working as a sort of in-home endoscope.
According to the product description, cleaning your ears out this way is “safer, better and, well, just more interesting!” If I had one complaint about cleaning my ears, it’s that I’ve never really been all that passionate about the entire endeavor. My brain realizes that what I’m doing should be extremely interesting, but I just don’t feel it in my heart. This could change everything!
$186,351 to $405,100: Desktop Jellyfish Tank (Price: $366)
Listen: I’m in no position to tell a person of your stature what to do, but I can advise you that someone with your many resources should at least think about portraying a certain persona. Not weird, mind you, but eccentric.
The teeming masses are all ordering well drinks? You order top-shelf vodka with coconut water. They take simple smartphone photos? You’ll settle for nothing less than a panorama. Every photo, a panorama! They’re buying goldfish from the pet store? You, my friend, have a jellyfish. Eccentric! This $366 desktop jellyfish kit will set you up with everything you need to get started: The bowl arrives first, and then the jellyfish is overnighted to you once you’re ready to become a proud pet owner.
$405,101 to 406,750: Bulletproof Suit (Price: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it)
Look at this weird tax bracket. Is this a political thing? It seems political.
Anyway, if you’re important enough to somehow slide into this very narrow bracket, you’re clearly important enough that your life could be in constant danger. Be careful! But that doesn’t mean you need to be walking around in a lumpy bulletproof vest all day.
“Hey, is that guy fat or what?”
“Actually, I think he’s just wealthy.”
Why not try this bulletproof suit instead? It leverages the magic of carbon nanotubes to stave off death at an undisclosed price. It’s worth it, though, right? I mean, how much could a nice suit cost? Like $200? “Try thousands and thousands.” What?! But I buy one and I still get three free, right?
$406,751+: Flying Bicycle (Price: $45,000)
“Bike-flying? You’ve nevah beeeen?” Imagine being able to add that phrase to your arsenal.
All it’ll set you back is a cool $45,000 for what Hammacher Schlemmer is calling the “first” flying bike. You have many, many cars in your expansive garage, yes? You probably have a bike or nine as well, no? Why not add this miracle of human ingenuity: “the world’s first bicycle that doubles as a flying ultralight para-trike aircraft,” according to the product description. It cruises at low altitude for up to 75 miles at up to 25 miles per hour, for cracked ice. What are you waiting for?!