The 9 Circles of Hell for Millennials

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. This is a dead zone. (Effing AT&T…)
– Dante Alighier-ish

Dante’s Divine Comedy was written in the 14th century with his uber-Catholic, Italian counterparts in mind. While the allegory of the afterlife lives on in modern culture, the Inferno would probably look slightly different were it typed out on an iPad. Behold: The nine circles of hell for the basic millennial:

1. An eternity of online dating

Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left.

2. “Fun”-employment
Economy blah blah tough market blah lots of 26-year-olds still live with their parents.

3. Sharing an enclosed space with someone playing Candy Crush with the sound on
No one is celebrating you advancement to level 147. HEADPHONES.

4. Trying to cancel your cable
“You don’t want something that works?” “So you’re not interested in the fastest internet in the country?” “I’m really ashamed to see you go to something that can’t give you what we can!” “What is it about this other internet provider???”

These real talking points come courtesy of a Comcast customer service representative who fought tooth-and-nail to keep former tech editor Ryan Block’s loyal service. He posted an 8-minute clip of the recorded conversation that would be more appropriate from a jilted lover rather than, you know, a cable provider.

5. Actual activism as opposed to hashtag activism
#So #Much #Work

6. Only getting 10 likes on every Instagram picture
11 is “the only like that matters.”

7. Finding out your Craigslist roommate is actually a hoarder
Slash amateur tap dancer slash serial killer.

8. Explaining any technology to your grandparents
The weekly FaceTime calls home have provided you with a solid working knowledge of cartography of your grandma’s forehead and you hated geography in school.

9. Going back to dial-up
As terrifying as it is hypothetical. Then again, anything can happen in hell.