INTERNATIONAL: Too Correct Adolf

“It is matter for regret that Herr Hitler is a man of such chilly personal correctitude!” the House of Commons was told in an impassioned speech last week by warm, beef-eating, virile Commander Oliver Stillingfleet Locker-Lampson, M. P., Conservative. “If he would smoke, eat and drink, Hitler might be more human and less dangerous. He might, like other dictators, be more anxious to take another person’s concubine rather than their country! Instead, he is a great big bully in Europe.”

This novel argument the Commander used in presenting to the House a bill to confer Palestine citizenship upon “oppressed European Jews” who might benefit from it. For example, according to Locker-Lampson, any European Jews now being mistreated in Austria would be enabled by this bill to assume “extraterritorial citizenship in Palestine,” and they could then apply in Vienna for the aid of His Britannic Majesty’s consul general.

When a vote was taken on whether the Locker-Lampson bill should be admitted to first reading, the House exactly divided 144-10-144, creating the first tie in the Mother of Parliaments since 1910. Amid laughter the Speaker, Captain Rt. Hon. Edward Algernon Fitzroy, broke the tie by casting his vote in favor of one of the most novel pieces of jurisprudence ever introduced.

The House then rose for the Easter recess, and M. P.s had leisure to read other pertinent comments on Adolf Hitler made last week by his boyhood friend, Fritz Grunscheder, today working in a New Britain, Conn, brewery. Said Mr. Grunscheder: “I can remember lots of times when we would call Adolf over and tell him he could come with us to where there were some good apples to be snitched. But Adolf could never come. His father worked for the Government and it would be bad if he got caught. It was as if he had to set an example. Lots of things like that Adolf had to let go by. But he never was a squealer, he never told on us.”