Miscellany, Dec. 29, 1958

A calendar of the triumphs, defeats and contortions of the human spirit during 1958:

JANUARY

Roving Assignment. In Salt Lake City, convicts publishing the Utah state prison newspaper abruptly changed the masthead listing of Escaped Editor Quay Kilburn from “Editor in Chief” to “Editor at Large.”

FEBRUARY

High Proof. In San Bruno, Calif., police patrols stopped hundreds of cars to check drivers for intoxication, landed nary a drinker, found down the road a homemade sign reading: “Roadblock ahead. Lushes turn right.”

MARCH

Donnybrook Estates. In Alexandria, La., six house wreckers showed up at the home of Paul Davis, removed half the roof, most of the upper story and the front porch before Davis arrived and told them they were tearing down the wrong house.

APRIL

Socratic Method. In Manhattan, a judge kept silencing Assistant District Attorney Burton Roberts’ attempts to interrupt Defense Attorney Horacio Quinones, but recessed the court when Roberts finally broke in to say: “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but in the interest of public health and justice, I must bring to the court’s attention the fact that Mr. Quinones has just drunk a glass of Epsom salts in which I was bathing my finger.”

MAY

Cake Line. In Philadelphia, a worker stopped off to pick up unemployment money from the company that had laid him off, told Employment Manager George Brobyn: “Hurry up; my cab is waiting.”

JUNE

Landslide. In West Hollywood, Fla., voters elected a mayor, defeated on the same ballot a proposal to incorporate the town, with the result that Frank Polage is the new mayor of no place.

JULY

Reel McCoy. Near Hyannis, Mass., Surf Fisherman George Vasquez got a firm strike, braced for battle, slowly played his catch to shore, landed a live, 70-in., rubber-flippered male skindiver.

AUGUST

S.P.Q.-Hour. In Miami Beach, a 1,600-year-old Roman coin was collected from a parking meter.

SEPTEMBER

The Gearling. In Atlanta, Henry Simpson III’s first birthday party was held in the Buick where he was born.

OCTOBER

Heil to Pay. In West Hartford, Conn., Kenneth B. Johnson paid a $2 fine for illegal overnight parking, drew an additional $50 fine for making out his check to the “West Hartford Police Gestapo.”

NOVEMBER

Timbering Up. In Houghton, Mich., Iris Ann Johnson explained that she had killed her lumberjack husband during a “game we played when we were drinking. He would run around the yard while I shot at him with a .22-caliber rifle.”

DECEMBER

Infantry. In Bonn, West Germany, when Ulrich Draeger received notice from the draft board to report for examination, his father put him in a perambulator and wheeled him to the draft board office, where four-month-old Ulrich got a lollipop and was sent home.