Radio: Time Machine

History embarrasses the Columbia Broadcasting System. The subject is regarded at CBS as a gallingly large number of news events that the network’s crack news staff was unable to cover. Last week, CBS covered its embarrassment with a series called CBS Is There. This week, the network time-machined a broadcaster back to 1492 and the deck of Columbus’ flagship, the Santa Maria. He reported:

“This is John Daly . . .calling CBS in London. . . . I’ve good news—great news. . . . Land is near. . . . Flocks of migrating birds have been flying overhead. . . . A branch was fished out of the water with the leaves still fresh, and a little flower clinging to it. … Perhaps it will be hours yet, but not a man on board—”

Sound: cannon shot.

Daly: “The gun! The gun! The signal . . . from the Pinta! [shouts of ‘Tierra! Tierra!’] Land! Land! … I see it, too. A white sand cliff gleaming! . . . Pandemonium has broken loose here on the deck of the Santa Maria. . . . I’m all choked up. … I return you now to CBS in London.”

For an analysis of the news, CBS London then transfers its listeners to CBS Barcelona and Commentator Amerigo Vespucci. Comments Vespucci: “It is impossible to conceive the full significance of the news we have just heard. The land which Admiral Colón has just reached is Cibango, or the legendary island of Japan. . . . Shortly many will follow [him]. I will be among them.”

Next CBS picks up Newsman Jackson Beck “in the throne room of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella,” then back to Daly in a rowboat.

Daly: “I see a man…come out from the trees. Now others come running….They haven’t got a stitch on!…The Admiral is coming ashore….[He] takes the standard and plants it in the sand….Now he kneels…bends to kiss the sand.”

Columbus: “In the name of the….King and Queen of Spain, I take possession of this island and name it…San Salvador”

Sound: drums and trumpets.

Wags forecast that, in coming weeks, CBS would be there when Hannibal crosses the Alps, Socrates dies, and Alexander the Great cuts the Gordian knot. Cracked one CBStaffer: “The series need end only with the crack of doom—recorded and transcribed by CBS, of course.”