Sport: Gift of Gab

Five years ago Professional Wrestler Ralph (“Wild Red”) Berry was injured in the ring and had to spend months in a hospital. To while away the time he read a few books—the Bible, Plato, Aristotle aad Kant, he says. Last week in Chattanooga, Wild Red was wrestling again.

With his newfound literary knowledge Berry had devised a gruesome new feature for an already gruesome sport—the tongue hold.

Said Red of his prospective opponents: “Let these hams primp their feathers and strut their plumes. I will proceed to maltreat and obliterate them. I will turn loose such terrific voltage and velocity and elliptical trajectory that when it lands on the cleft of the chin it will tear loose their medulla oblongata from the pericranium, cure them of chronic dandruff and knock out four of their impacted wisdom teeth.” Whereupon Wild Red went into the ring and was promptly disqualified by the referee for refusing to break a hold when ordered. Wild Red took a deep breath and applied his new hold to those in the audience who disapproved of his tactics: “Some of those abusive, obstreperous, pernicious rumormongers who have sought to smear, besmirch and destroy my reputation will never be able to take away my spirit of optimism, because I will always be a ray of sunshine, a creator of gladness and master of myself. I have been a successful champion wrestler because I’m brave as a lion, strong as a mule, tough as a pine knot and sharp as a razor.” He added: “I have the gift of gab.”