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SHOCKING

M.I.A.’S BABY to present an award at the Oscars, at this rate

TICKETMASTER and LIVE NATION to merge; concertgoers prepare for $75 surcharges

JUDE LAW makes kind of a hot chick

Rumor: OCTOMOM had plastic surgery to look more like Angelina Jolie. Truth: that is Angelina Jolie

KATHIE LEE GIFFORD and HODA KOTB’S 10 a.m. happy hour

SARAH PALIN says she named daughter Bristol after ESPN’s Connecticut HQ. Good thing the network canceled that move to Sheboygan

KATIE COURIC tee-hees her way through Lil Wayne interview

PREDICTABLE

DANCING WITH THE STARS, Season 8: An Olympic gymnast, three crooks and Denise Richards walk into a reality show …

STEVEN SPIELBERG nails down Disney distribution deal. Now maybe someone will finally watch his movies

New KINDLE launched; newspapers bemoan lack of fish-wrapping functionality

ETTA JAMES takes back Beyoncé ass-whupping threat

MR. MARIAH CAREY to host America’s Got Talent

ORIGINAL VILLAGE PEOPLE COP sues latest version of the Village People

SEX AND THE CITY sequel. Please tell us somebody gets Madoffed

JOAQUIN PHOENIX explains new hobo look as attempt to eliminate his “sex appeal” by growing beard, making fatuous comments

Gurkha Cigars offers MICHAEL PHELPS $25,000 to be official “smokesperson”

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE