I’m Running Too

My fellow Americans: I’m a follower, not a leader. That is why I am declaring my candidacy for President of the United States. There are so many candidates in the field, why not one more? I had planned to wait and follow my friend Sarah, who says she might run too, but I do not want to be the very last follower. That could maybe be construed as leading.

What do I stand for? Besides following, I mean. Universal health care, definitely. Or if not universal, then at least darn good coverage for any and all female candidates from Manhattan who have straight dark hair, because what if I get hit by a bus driven by someone else in the race? That reminds me, I also stand for transportation reform. For instance, I firmly believe in passing legislation that makes it mandatory for the No. 6 subway to stop a block or two closer to my residence. Also, why do we have to have both North Dakota and South Dakota? But that may just be me.

I firmly believe tax reform should be reformed. For instance, what if, at the end of the year, the government sends you a bill? Not a bill as in “The Senate passed the McCain-Marx bill,” but a bill as in “Excuse me, is the tip included in this bill?” And by the way, whether or not you give your server a tip should not be under the purview of the U.S. Government, in my opinion, unless, of course, some of the other presidential hopefuls endorse this. In that case, I will do as the others do.

The environment is of great concern to me, even though I hardly go there. Like every other candidate, I am not and never will be a supporter of global warming. But neither am I so crazy about the recent local colding that many parts of this great and weather-rich nation have been experiencing. My sleet policy, by the way, is awaiting further direction. Give my precipitation man a holler next week to see if anything’s been decided.

On to foreign policy. With regard to Iraq, my position remains what it was from the first. I have never voted for anything having to do with Iraq, nor did I fill out any Iraq-related forms because if you do that kind of thing, sooner or later the form guys show up and try to sell you something like a time-share. A lot of the other candidates are gutlessly desperate not to have a track record on Iraq. Well, all I can say is: me too!

Allow me to take this opportunity to tell you that I have never been to Istanbul, Berlin or Copenhagen, all of which I hear are magnificent urban areas. Nation building? No way! If I am President, while I am in those cities, you have my word that I will not engage in metropolis building. What’s more, I will not march into a single municipal edifice and do so much as change a lightbulb.

Like Barack Obama, I have formed a presidential exploratory committee. My findings are unambiguous: I’m going to need money to do more exploring. These days, apparently, you can’t even lose without a lot of money. How much? Right now, Hillary Clinton has $14 million in donations in the bank. Mine total $127.76, and, technically, the money’s earmarked for the gift a few of us are getting our friend Paul for his birthday coming up.

A lot of citizens–O.K., this kid I know–asked me why I’m declaring my candidacy in this magazine when the leaders I’m following have announced theirs on glitzy websites. Well, the painful truth is, the spot I wanted, Amazon.com was already taken–by a special-interest group, no doubt. When I’m President, you can depend on me to roll up my sleeves and do something about that.

How else am I qualified? When I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming President. Or maybe I just dreamed that I was President. When I am President, I vow to write down my dreams so that we will never again have this confusion.

Oh, and what do you want to eat at the Inaugural Ball? I vote for lobster or steak, as nothing is too good for the American people. We’re going to have a salad course too.

In summary, let me make this clear: If you decide to support me and end up voting for someone else, let me know. I promise that I will follow suit quicker than anyone else in the race.

So, won’t you vote for Patty? She may not be the one, but you can’t say she’s not one of many.