How to Use Spy Tactics in Your Daily Life

At the mention of spies, images of Hollywood characters come to mind. We all love James Bond in a tuxedo driving an Aston Martin DB5 to his latest mission or Jason Bourne’s seemingly robotic reflexes and superhuman strength when fending off attackers.

But the reality of espionage is often more banal. 

My work with spies and years of research reporting on the intelligence world has shown that spycraft relies on the careful cultivation of relationships more than high-speed car chases or dramatic gunfights. Though real-life espionage may lack the explosive action of Hollywood spy plots, the skills CIA case officers employ are just as fascinating when we pull back the veil—and they’re also surprisingly useful in our careers and everyday lives.

When a spy encounters a potential recruit, they study the person, gathering key details including where they are in a hierarchy; their opinions on a range of subjects; whether they feel appreciated in their job. But asking these questions directly will raise red flags. Repeatedly asking direct and sensitive questions will likely make a person guarded or suspicious—hindering the spy’s ability to cultivate a relationship with a potential recruit. 

Instead, spies use elicitation to more subtly and expertly draw out the information they’re seeking. These elicitation methods—or “triggers”—are rooted in human behavior.

One trigger stems from humans’ tendency to respond in-kind in conversation. For example, if I mention the weather, you’ll likely also respond with a comment about the weather, perhaps adding commentary on a different or related subject without being provoked by a question. Likewise, if I tell you my favorite color, you'll likely tell me yours without me needing to ask. 

Similarly, if you incorrectly attribute something to the person you are talking to, they will almost always correct you. If I say, “Didn’t you tell me your favorite color is blue?” it’s unlikely they’ll reply with a simple, “No, I never said that.” More often, they’ll respond: “No, my favorite color is actually green.” We are all the protagonists of our own story, and no detail about ourselves is too small to correct. This elicitation trigger is known as the tendency to correct.

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Other triggers include flattery—when you compliment someone, they often become slightly abashed and end up revealing more about their success than they would if questioned directly. Gossip is another effective elicitation tool—try introducing a provocative subject to the conversation, then sit back and listen as information flows and insights unfold. Finally, spies will often use awkward silences in their favor. Most humans are uncomfortable with conversation lulls and will blurt out something to break awkward silences—what’s said in these moments can be quite revealing.

A colleague and former CIA case officer (who needs to maintain anonymity) quoted in my book said, “every good intelligence officer has a real bond with their agents on some level and some regard.”

Spies will attest to how profound many of these relationships become. However, these connections are not the result of natural evolution but rather extensive cultivation. That closeness is a testament to the skills of case officers, especially considering that spies regularly engage and build rapport with individuals who pose threats to American safety—criminals, terrorists, diplomats from the world’s most odious regimes. In short: not the kind of company they’d choose to keep.

Spies overcome these hurdles in a few different ways.

First, they practice what’s known as radical empathy. Spies recognize that nearly all humans, regardless of their flaws, possess at least one redeeming quality—some kernel of humanity a spy can focus on. A criminal might be a devoted family member, or a terrorist might engage in charitable acts. By scratching beneath the surface to uncover these positive attributes, spies are able to forge connections with even the most seemingly reprehensible individuals.

Second, spies leverage the principle that vulnerability fosters intimacy. By sharing personal information and showing their own vulnerabilities, spies accelerate relationship development and bridge the intimacy gap with those they are cultivating.

In fact, I regularly witness this concept play out in my own life. Just over a decade ago,I underwent surgery to remove a brain tumor, which resulted in hearing loss in my left ear. This often comes up in business settings when I need to reposition myself to hear better. When I share this personal story and show vulnerability, something remarkable happens. Nearly every time, the person I’m engaging with responds in kind and shares something intimate about themselves or a loved one. While not everyone has faced tragedy, we have all experienced misfortune, and this shared experience fosters connection. 

Spies use this tactic frequently, revealing genuine personal details to build rapport with their targets. For instance, one spy shared with me that discussing his autistic son has helped him connect more deeply with agents who have children with special needs.

That said, intellectual curiosity is at the heart of a spy’s relationship toolkit. For example, at The Farm—the CIA’s famed training facility in Virginia—trainees are frequently paired with instructors from markedly different backgrounds and tasked with forming authentic connections. CIA veteran John Sipher grew up in an upper-middle class, urban background and recalls being paired up with someone from a rural background in a training exercise. His target was an avid deer-hunter and John’s task wasn’t to pretend he knew all about deer hunting, because he had actually never hunted. Rather, he simply needed to show sincere curiosity and get that person talking.

But perhaps the most valuable skills for a spy—and anyone genuinely invested in building relationships—is the practice of active listening. All the previously mentioned skills and methods ultimately serve the larger goal of listening attentively and prompting the other person to elaborate with clarifying questions. When we feel listened to or heard, we also feel respected, and this respect is fundamental to building strong relationships.

But active listening is hard. Many of us listen with the intention of replying rather than truly understanding. We’ve evolved to quickly absorb small bits of information and then formulate a response. But if you can focus on your target, maintain steady eye contact, calm your body language, and simply allow your target to speak, you may be surprised by how quickly your target will feel a fondness for and connection with you. 

It might be disappointing to learn that spies are more akin to great psychiatrists or teachers than action heroes like Jack Ryan leaping from helicopters. In reality, their most remarkable skills lie in their ability to forge deep connections with people—even their adversaries. In our increasingly polarized world, this ability to connect is something we can all learn from and apply in our daily lives—and makes spies pretty remarkable in my book.