Yes, It’s OK to Stay Friends With Your Ex’s Friends

The controversy over whether people can be friends with their exes is perennial. Is there value in keeping someone in your life when the romantic spark is gone? Or is it better to cut them out completely and move on because the relationship has run its course?

It may not always be cut and dry because romantic breakups require a full reworking of the dynamic between partners—and not everyone wants to put in that work.

Which leads us to another persisting question: What about the friendships made through an ex? The crux of debate, oftentimes, lies in whether it’s okay to stay friends with people who started out as an ex’s friend. But the benefits of keeping your relationship with your ex’s friends can far outweigh the awkwardness that may result.

The friendships forged out of a couple’s relationship could last years and take on importance of their own, yet people can draw a hard line between their friends and their exes. Sometimes exes ask for strict allegiance from their friends after a breakup. Even if there isn’t a directive to cut ties, the ex’s friends might feel awkward maintaining these friendships, unsure if they’re betraying the friend who introduced them to a partner to whom they’ve grown close. But when these friendships are severed, intentionally or by avoidance, everyone loses. Making friends as an adult is hard. We shouldn’t be limiting our options for friendship by cutting out people with whom we already have a solid connection.

Every breakup has its own tone, and ultimately how the people in the relationship divide up their shared resources (including friendships) is their choice. But a strong case can be made for remaining generous when it comes to letting an ex maintain any friendships that were made throughout the course of the relationship as a result of co-mingling social circles. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, the majority (53%) of Americans only have between one and four close friends. Interestingly, adults younger than 50 are more likely to have fewer friends, possibly because of the time constraints on early and mid-adulthood. Many of us tend to focus more on school, work, and family in these years and double down on current friendships rather than forge new ones.

Read More: Breaking Up Can Be Easier If You Have a Ritual

That’s why friendships made through a romantic connection can be so great. You don’t have to work that hard to reap the benefits of your partner’s friends—they’re built into the deal. These connections can be lifelines if we are allowed to keep them, but can create a big void if we have to leave them behind. In a 2023 American Psychiatric Association poll, 30% of respondents reported feeling lonely at least once a week over the past year. Reaching out to friends or family was one of the top ways these respondents said that they combat feelings of loneliness. Having fewer community connections to pull from after a breakup, an already emotionally challenging time, can lead to negative mental health repercussions.

Having more connections, no matter how they were made, can help stave off loneliness and isolation. Connection is a key component to combating the loneliness epidemic in the U.S., according to U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy. Your ex’s friends may feel off-limits, even if you developed an independent relationship with them over time. But it’s important to examine if these friendships are of value and worth salvaging. Maybe you have a shared interest that your ex didn’t enjoy, and built a connection with their friends through that hobby or activity. If you feel that the connection is fulfilling, then it’s a friendship worth keeping.

There are also instances where these friendships aren’t so simply disposable. In queer communities, for instance, the experience of staying friends with ex’s and ex’s friends is more common, often out of necessity. The community is smaller, and maintaining supportive relationships is a huge priority for a sense of belonging and safety. This might even result in people dating their ex’s friends if the community is super small, or their shared interests are strong. It may also be hard to let go of a friendship that began through a connection to an ex if you live in a small town where there may not be a ton of people with whom you feel you can relate.

Most people who remain friends with an ex’s friends benefit from considering how to manage this relationship without putting a strain on either party. Boundaries are important for ensuring that the friend never hears you bad mouth your ex or gets put in an uncomfortable position by being asked about how your ex is doing. Having a conversation to clearly state these boundaries can set the expectation that the friendship is just about the two of you. It’s also common for people to ease into these independent relationships. There are lots of channels to stay in touch that can feel low stakes while you both decide if a friendship is worth pursuing, like social media and group hangouts.

Remaining friends with an ex’s friends could benefit everyone involved. Rather than lose valuable connections, each person gets to hang on to what made the friendship work in the first place. It may take time for everyone to find their footing in these new dynamics, but getting to hold onto some connections, even though the romantic relationship is over, could be the best outcome of a breakup.