--- title: How to Have More Meaningful Conversations description: Charles Duhigg on the important lessons supercommunicators can teach us. canonical: https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/ author: Charles Duhigg article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2024-02-20T12:00:00.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:50:34.065Z article:section: Ideas og:title: How to Have More Meaningful Conversations og:description: Charles Duhigg on the important lessons supercommunicators can teach us. og:url: https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbb393ff97b620139/698a4890b21a9cfe06508808/supercommunicators.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2176 og:image:height: 1224 og:image:alt: supercommunicators og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: How to Have More Meaningful Conversations twitter:description: Charles Duhigg on the important lessons supercommunicators can teach us. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltbb393ff97b620139/698a4890b21a9cfe06508808/supercommunicators.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 video:duration: 04:22 video:published: 2023-03-22 section: ideas topics: apology, cognitive dissonance, self-perception, forgiveness, making amends, gaslighting, reparations, interpersonal conflict, communication etiquette genre: explainer, advice tones: instructive, candid, conversational, reflective emotions: empathy (medium), reflection (medium), humor (low) sentiment: neutral audience: general adult readers, people navigating interpersonal conflict, managers and workplace leaders, readers interested in psychology and relationships people: Marjorie Ingall transcript_source: publisher captions transcript_reviewed: not applicable --- # How to Have More Meaningful Conversations > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-inside-2026q3/newsletters?i=7f86b050-9e08-4458-93ba-85445ae081dd&cr=time-nl-inside-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._ Description, summary, key points, chapters, key quotes, questions and transcript, where present, were produced automatically from the video or its captions and were not reviewed. ## Summary Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," explains why apologizing is difficult, since people tend to see themselves as the hero of their own story. She describes a six-and-a-half-step apology framework and notes that apologies should be tailored to the situation and delivery channel. The video also covers pitfalls such as making excuses, gaslighting, and apologies that center the speaker's regret rather than the other person's feelings. ## Key points - People are designed to see themselves as the hero of their own story, which makes admitting wrongdoing hard. (00:00) - Apologizing is described as a habit that can be learned, like tying shoes or brushing teeth. (00:37) - The apology framework includes using the words 'I'm sorry' or 'I apologize' and naming the specific wrong done. (00:51) - A good apology explains why the act was hurtful without making excuses, and states what steps will prevent it from happening again. (01:00) - Reparations can be part of an apology, and the person apologizing should listen and let the other person have their say. (01:31) - The medium should fit the offense: a quick text for small things, email for more serious ones, and a handwritten note for serious mistakes. (02:00) - Apologizers should give the other person an escape route and consider whether that person wants to hear from them at all. (02:16) - Saying 'I regret' centers the speaker's feelings, while a good apology centers the other person's feelings and emotions. (02:48) - Research cited in the video shows people most want the wrongdoer to acknowledge what they did and commit to it not happening again. (03:36) - A bad apology is worse than no apology, and apologizing without being sorry usually leads to a bad apology. (03:44) ## Chapters - [00:00 to 00:37] Why apologizing is so hard. Ingall explains that people see themselves as heroes of their own stories, making it difficult to admit wrongdoing, and that apologizing is a learnable habit. - [00:37 to 01:31] The six-and-a-half-step apology plan. She lays out the core steps of an apology: using the right words, naming the wrong, explaining why it hurt, avoiding excuses, stating prevention steps, and making reparations. - [01:31 to 02:16] Matching apology to the situation. Ingall explains that minor offenses call for a quick apology while serious ones warrant more formal channels like email or handwritten notes. - [02:16 to 03:03] Giving the other person an out. She advises letting the other person decide whether they want to hear an apology and centering their feelings instead of the apologizer's regret. - [03:03 to 03:50] Common apology pitfalls. The video covers gaslighting, non-apologies that dodge responsibility, and why apologizing without genuine remorse tends to backfire. - [03:50 to 04:22] Why good apologies matter. Ingall concludes that good apologies build bridges and heal wounds, and describes apologizing as a courageous act that overcomes self-protective instincts. ## Key quotes - [00:08] Marjorie Ingall: "we are designed to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story." - [00:37] Marjorie Ingall: "apologizing is a habit like any other habit" - [02:48] Marjorie Ingall: "A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other person's emotions front center" - [03:44] Marjorie Ingall: "a bad apology is worse than no apology." - [03:54] Marjorie Ingall: "It builds Bridges and heals wounds." ## Questions this video answers - Why is it so hard to apologize? [00:00] - Can apologizing be learned as a habit? [00:37] - What steps should a good apology include? [00:51] - Which communication channel should be used for an apology? [02:00] - Why should an apology center the other person's feelings rather than one's own regret? [02:48] - What do people most want from an apology, according to the research cited? [03:36] Feb 20, 2024 12:00 PM UTC  Easily editable flat vector illustration with layers. Easily editable flat vector illustration with layers. Getty Images by [Charles Duhigg](https://time.com/author/charles-duhigg/) ## Charles Duhigg Feb 20, 2024 12:00 PM UTC Think, for a moment, about who you would call if you were having a bad day. If you’d screwed up a deal at work, or gotten into an argument with your spouse, or were feeling frustrated and sick of it all: Who would you want to talk to? There’s probably someone you know will make you feel better, who can help you think through a thorny question, or share a moment of heartbreak or joy. That person, for you, is what I like to call a “supercommunicator” (and odds are, for them, you are a supercommunicator, too.) All of us, at times, achieve moments of supercommunication. But there are some people who are supercommunicators much more consistently—they know how to connect with nearly anyone, to make conversations easier, to make us feel like we’ve really been heard. We all know supercommunicators: They’re the people everyone seems to know, the ones likely to be elected to positions of authority, the folks others turn to when they need to discuss something serious or ask for advice. Over the past three years, I’ve explored the research behind supercommunication, and encountered important lessons. Most notably, we’re not born knowing how to communicate effectively. Rather, communication is a set of skills that nearly anyone can learn. Supercommunicators aren’t inherently more charismatic or extroverted. Rather, they just think about communication a little bit harder, and have mastered the tools that allow them to connect. **_Read More:_** [_Charles Duhigg on Changing Your Habits_](https://healthland.time.com/2012/03/02/mind-reading-qa-with-charles-duhigg-on-changing-your-habits/) So what, exactly, are those supercommunicators doing that makes you feel so good? There’s a number of skills they’ve mastered. [Research](https://osf.io/preprints/psyarxiv/562z7?trk=public%5Fpost%5Fmain-feed-card-text) shows that supercommunicators ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person—but many of those questions (_“What did you think about that?” “What did you say next?”_) hardly register, except to make us feel like someone is listening. Other questions—what are known as “deep questions”—ask people to describe their beliefs, values, and experiences in ways that reveal something about themselves beyond the simple facts of their lives. (“How’d you decide to become a lawyer?” “What was it like growing up in a small town?”) Supercommunicators are also good at reading the room: When a conversation gets stuck, they make it easy for everyone to take a quick break by bringing up a new topic or interrupting an awkward silence with a small joke. What’s more, supercommunicators often engage in a process known as _looping for understanding_, which encourages everyone, including themselves, to listen more closely. Looping has three steps: Ask a question; repeat back what you heard in your own words; and then ask if you got it right. This is powerful because one of the strongest human impulses is [social mimicry](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1088868312472607). If someone starts asking questions and looping their companions, everyone else becomes more likely to ask questions, listen closely, and loop in return. All these skills have something important in common: they allow supercommunicators to _show_ their companions they _want_ to connect. Take, for instance, laughter. [Studies show](https://www.jstor.org/stable/29775596) that roughly 80% of the time, when we laugh, it is not in reaction to anything funny. Rather, we laugh in response to something banal—“Are we finally going to dinner?”_—_in order to show that we want to connect with someone. And when they laugh back—the most natural reaction—they are showing us they want to connect with us, as well. The same thing happens with other forms of non-linguistic communication. When someone frowns, or their voice goes quiet and intimate, we have an instinct to mimic them, to apply what is known within psychology as the Matching Principle of Communication. Supercommunicators listen to those instincts and nurture those urges, because they know that when we match someone, we show them we _want_ to listen—and they, in return, become more willing to listen to, and trust, us. The truth is, anyone can become a supercommunicator. We can all learn to hear more clearly, to speak so we’re easier to understand, to connect on a deeper level. And, today, learning to have meaningful conversations is, in some ways, more urgent than ever before. It’s no secret the world has become increasingly polarized, that we struggle to hear and be heard. If we know how to sit down together and listen, then, even if we can’t resolve every disagreement, we can find ways to coexist and thrive. When we show each other that we want to connect—by asking questions, looping for understanding, and matching people when they become emotional, practical, or when the discussion goes in an unexpected direction—we usually find something we have in common, something we can build on to form a real relationship. Every meaningful conversation is made up of countless small choices. There are fleeting moments when the right deep question, or a vulnerable admission, or a kind word can completely change a dialogue. A silent laugh, a barely audible sigh, a friendly expression during a tense moment: Some people have learned to spot these opportunities, to detect what kind of discussion is occurring, to understand what others really want. They have learned how to hear what’s unsaid and speak so others want to listen. And that’s important, because the right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything. ## Transcript [00:00] The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed [00:05] to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. [00:08] And when we do a bad thing, [00:09] we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, [00:13] we didn't do the bad thing. [00:14] So being brave and being self-aware and you know, [00:19] taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing [00:22] and I'm going to apologize for it, [00:23] makes you feel like an absolute superhero. [00:26] I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just [00:37] like you learn to tie your shoes. [00:39] Just like you learn to brush your teeth. [00:41] You can learn to become a good apologizer. [00:47] We have a very easy six and a half. [00:51] Step plan. Number one, use the words, [00:54] I'm sorry, or I apologize. [00:57] Not, I regret not. [00:58] I'd like to apologize. [01:00] No, say those exact words number to say what you did, [01:04] don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, [01:09] you have to name your sin. [01:10] Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, [01:14] why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, [01:17] explain as much as you need to, [01:19] but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. [01:22] Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this [01:26] doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations [01:31] in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, [01:33] or making the entire staff undergo diversity, [01:36] and equity, and inclusion training to that. [01:39] And six and a half is listen, [01:43] you have to let the other person have their say, [01:45] you don't need all six and a half steps forever. [01:47] Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, [01:50] that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations [01:54] call for different apology approach. [01:56] Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do [02:00] it or just to get person. [02:02] If something is a more serious offense, [02:03] email is a good way to do it. [02:05] And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful [02:09] about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. [02:15] The one thing you have to be sure, [02:16] when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. [02:19] You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. [02:22] If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, [02:24] do not trap them in their car. [02:26] You know, they need an Escape Route, [02:28] and you also have to consider does that person want to hear [02:31] from you, especially if your sin is so profound, [02:35] you have to put their feelings in front of yours, [02:38] and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing [02:43] that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. [02:48] An an apology is they regret? [02:51] They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret [02:54] something that's about how I feel. [02:56] A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other [02:59] person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology [03:03] is also gaslighting. [03:05] It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such [03:10] a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you [03:14] know, you don't really understand how the Work World works [03:17] and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. [03:20] Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first [03:24] place, an an apology does not take responsibility [03:27] research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that [03:32] people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand [03:36] that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to [03:40] happen again. [03:41] If you're not sorry and you apologize, [03:44] you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology [03:49] is worse than no apology. [03:50] A good apology does so much. [03:54] It builds Bridges and heals wounds. [03:58] It's also really hard. [04:00] So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming [04:05] all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness [04:10] when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/"},"headline":"How to Have More Meaningful Conversations","datePublished":"2024-02-20T12:00:00.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:50:34.065Z","description":"Charles Duhigg on the important lessons supercommunicators can teach us.","url":"https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/","keywords":["Psychology","freelance"],"thumbnailUrl":"","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Charles Duhigg","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/charles-duhigg/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/","name":"How to Have More Meaningful Conversations"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way","description":"Marjorie Ingall, co-author of \"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,\" describes how and how not to apologize the right way.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uOTOC0DK/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2023-03-22T18:56:32.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/","duration":"PT4M22S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```