--- title: Julie and John Gottman's Advice for Fighting With a Partner description: Julie and John Gottman, authors of Fight Right, explain the flaws in common pieces of marriage advice. canonical: https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/ author: Belinda Luscombe article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2024-02-12T21:14:44.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:45:04.045Z og:title: You're Fighting With Your Partner All Wrong og:description: Famous marriage therapists on how to do it right og:url: https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf31a7eb4a5d889a1/698a4877011682f5d99844b5/relationship-advice.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2400 og:image:height: 1350 og:image:alt: Couple engaging in tug of war with rope og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: You're Fighting With Your Partner All Wrong twitter:description: Famous marriage therapists on how to do it right twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf31a7eb4a5d889a1/698a4877011682f5d99844b5/relationship-advice.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # You're Fighting With Your Partner All Wrong > Sponsored content. 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Worth Your Time is TIME's culture recommendation newsletter, edited by culture editor Eliza Berman. Twice a week it surfaces the books, shows, films and ideas TIME's editors think are worth your attention, and explains why. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Does TIME have a culture newsletter? Yes. Worth Your Time is TIME's culture newsletter, published Tuesdays and Saturdays. #### Who writes TIME's culture recommendations? Culture editor Eliza Berman writes Worth Your Time, drawing on TIME's critics and culture desk. #### Is Worth Your Time free? Yes. It is a free newsletter available at time.com/newsletters. ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._  by [Belinda Luscombe](https://time.com/author/belinda-luscombe/)  ## Belinda Luscombe Editor at Large Feb 12, 2024 9:14 PM UTC  Getty Images  by [Belinda Luscombe](https://time.com/author/belinda-luscombe/)  ## Belinda Luscombe Editor at Large Feb 12, 2024 9:14 PM UTC Julie and John Gottman are among the OGs of marriage therapy and research. [_The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work_](https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/), one of John's early works, is among the bestselling marriage books of all time. And [the Gottman Institute,](https://www.gottman.com/) which houses the research facility known as ["The Love Lab,"](https://www.gottman.com/love-lab/) is considered the gold standard for relationship research. The Gottmans, who have been married to each other since 1987 (he's 81 and she's 72), have a new book, [_Fight Right_](https://www.gottman.com/product/fight-right/), about how couples can learn to disagree in a loving way. TIME asked them to comment on some of the most common pieces of marriage advice. They didn't hold back. ## **If you fight with your partner, you’re not meant for each other**. **Julie Gottman**: That is pure, unadulterated myth. For one thing, people have different personalities and different lifestyle preferences, so when they live together, those are going to manifest. What we have found from our research about really successful couples is that they fight frequently. What they tend to do is go much deeper underneath the surface of a fight, asking questions of one another that are meaningful, that get down to core issues, perhaps background history that's gotten triggered in some way or ifit conflicts with what we call an "ideal dream," the values that are most important to you and how you want to live those values and live those passions. When people slow down to ask questions of one another, they end up with greater connection and greater compassion from understanding their partner better. **Read More:** [_The Case Against Engagement Rings_](https://time.com/6286965/engagement-rings-reasons-not-to-buy/) ## **Every marital argument has a solution; you just have to find it.** **John Gottman**: Well, that's a myth, because 69% of all conflicts are not resolvable; they come from those personality differences. People tend to argue about the same issues over and over, and those issues don't have a solution. But the master couples find a way to accommodate those differences in personality—even to laugh about them—but find temporary solutions to the differences. It’s not so much a matter of resolving the issue as learning to understand the differences and accept those differences, and maybe even be enriched by them in a relationship. ## **In every fight, one person is right and one person is wrong.** **Julie**: That's the way people sabotage connection during a fight—by fighting to win, as opposed to fighting to understand. The purpose of a fight is to understand that person's perspective and where it comes from, to give it some empathy, validate it, understand it better, and then move towards a solution. If you turn it into a contest or a competition, then one person wins, and the other person feels resentment, feels upset, feels angry because they lost; it doesn't feel like a connection. **Read More:** [_Why Are So Many Notable Celebrity Couples Breaking Up?_](https://time.com/6344177/celebrity-breakups-divorce-2023/) ## **Men fight logically and women fight emotionally.** **John**: When good research is done on men's interactions and women's interactions, men are every bit as emotional as women are. And women are every bit as rational as men. Even though there are some cultural norms that suggest that it's OK for men to get angry, but not OK for women; they should be much more nurturing and accepting and soothing. Men in their friendships with other men are just as emotional, just as rational as women are in their friendships with women. There really aren't these gigantic differences, especially in the area of problem solving, and rationality. ## **The best way to solve a conflict is to stay rational and unemotional.** **John**: The myth that's inherent here is that if you're emotional, you can't be rational. But actually, modern neuroscience shows that you have to be emotional when you problem-solve, because otherwise, you really don't have the intuitive approach that is required to really solve the problems. Intuition is a big part of problem solving. Our emotions are really our internal GPS that give us our goals, our preferences, and our motivations. So if we're cut off from them, then we problem-solve without really having a goal. And that doesn't work. You need to know where you want to go. **Read More:** [_Why Don't More Women Propose?_](https://time.com/6314262/why-women-should-propose/) ## **Anger is bad and should be avoided at all costs.** **John**: In our longitudinal research, we found that women who are angry at their husbands and express their anger had less happy husbands than the women who did not express their anger. But when we followed them over time, their marriages got better, because their husbands learned how to accept influence from their wives. Women who suppressed their anger grew increasingly distant from their husbands, and that made the marriage much less happy. ## **Nobody can hurt you unless you let them.** **Julie**: Wrong, wrong, wrong. Humans are pack animals. Who we are influences somebody else. And because we are pack animals, we depend on one another. We learn to trust each other and also to accept the humanity of the other person. What that means is to accept the times when they're not perfect, when they hurt us. It's our responsibility to raise an issue, that we've been hurt by something or that we disagree about something. But to say that "no matter what my partner says, it's not going to affect me?" It's impossible. **John:** Especially if they use their contempt to form a coalition against you, within the family, they can hurt you directly, or indirectly. **Read More:**[_In My Marriage Money Was a Trap. After My Divorce It Became My Freedom_](https://time.com/6588974/money-marriage-trap-lyz-lenz-essay/) ## **Never go to bed angry.** **Julie**: Of course we're going to go to bed angry. What happens if you have a fight late at night and then you realize you have no reserves left to really talk about it? What are you gonna do? You go to bed angry and hopefully get to sleep at a reasonable hour. And the next day when you're a little more refreshed, you talk about it. ## **Always apologize right away and then move on.** **Julie:** That's a giant myth. Until you've talked about the impact of the fight, and how you felt during the fight, you don't know what you're apologizing for. And so the apology is meaningless. It's very important to explore what you perceived and what got triggered for you before you actually apologize. Because you know what you're apologizing for after that. ## **The pandemic was terrible for marriages.** **Julie**: The happy couples, who went into quarantine in a good place, tended to get even closer. But the couples who were unhappy ended up in a very bad place. I saw that a lot of my clinical work. They fought more. They sometimes became domestically violent, and domestic violence rose during COVID-19, particularly among those couples. We also saw a tremendous amount of loneliness. ## **The key thing to do when fighting is to just stop and listen.** **Julie:** Actually, yes, that is one of them. However, I think another very important key is just describe yourself, what you feel, what the situation is, and then what you need. And if your need has to do with not liking something, flip that on its head. What can replace the behavior that you feel negatively about, that will help your partner to shine in your eyes? ## Transcript The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. And when we do a bad thing, we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, we didn't do the bad thing. So being brave and being self-aware and you know, taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing and I'm going to apologize for it, makes you feel like an absolute superhero. I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just like you learn to tie your shoes. Just like you learn to brush your teeth. You can learn to become a good apologizer. We have a very easy six and a half. Step plan. Number one, use the words, I'm sorry, or I apologize. Not, I regret not. I'd like to apologize. No, say those exact words number to say what you did, don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, you have to name your sin. Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, explain as much as you need to, but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, or making the entire staff undergo diversity, and equity, and inclusion training to that. And six and a half is listen, you have to let the other person have their say, you don't need all six and a half steps forever. Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations call for different apology approach. Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do it or just to get person. If something is a more serious offense, email is a good way to do it. And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. The one thing you have to be sure, when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, do not trap them in their car. You know, they need an Escape Route, and you also have to consider does that person want to hear from you, especially if your sin is so profound, you have to put their feelings in front of yours, and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. An an apology is they regret? They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret something that's about how I feel. A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology is also gaslighting. It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you know, you don't really understand how the Work World works and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first place, an an apology does not take responsibility research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to happen again. If you're not sorry and you apologize, you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology is worse than no apology. A good apology does so much. It builds Bridges and heals wounds. It's also really hard. So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/"},"headline":"You're Fighting With Your Partner All Wrong","datePublished":"2024-02-12T21:14:44.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:45:04.045Z","description":"Julie and John Gottman, authors of 'Fight Right,' explain the flaws in common pieces of marriage advice.","url":"https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/","keywords":["Living","Marriage"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf31a7eb4a5d889a1/698a4877011682f5d99844b5/relationship-advice.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Belinda Luscombe","jobTitle":"Editor at Large","url":"https://time.com/author/belinda-luscombe/"}],"articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltf31a7eb4a5d889a1/698a4877011682f5d99844b5/relationship-advice.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"Couple engaging in tug of war with rope","caption":"Couple engaging in tug of war with rope","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"/tag/time-section-living/","name":"Living"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/","name":"You're Fighting With Your Partner All Wrong"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way","description":"Marjorie Ingall, co-author of \"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,\" describes how and how not to apologize the right way.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uOTOC0DK/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2023-03-22T18:56:32.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/","duration":"PT4M22S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/6693412/relationship-advice-fights-julie-john-gottman/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```