--- title: Responding Thoughtfully In the Internet Age description: We must reclaim the space between stimulus and response. Our collective future depends on it, writes Brad Stulberg. canonical: https://time.com/6336418/responding-thoughtfully-internet-essay/ author: Brad Stulberg article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2023-11-18T12:00:00.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:50:46.136Z article:section: Ideas og:title: Responding Thoughtfully In the Internet Age og:description: We must reclaim the space between stimulus and response. Our collective future depends on it, writes Brad Stulberg. og:url: https://time.com/6336418/responding-thoughtfully-internet-essay/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt7c7f4e25cd1fb98a/698a426a0116826622983a60/Responding-Social-Media.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2048 og:image:height: 1152 og:image:alt: Responding-Social-Media og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Responding Thoughtfully In the Internet Age twitter:description: We must reclaim the space between stimulus and response. Our collective future depends on it, writes Brad Stulberg. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt7c7f4e25cd1fb98a/698a426a0116826622983a60/Responding-Social-Media.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 --- # There's a Difference Between Responding and Reacting > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: August 2026. ## TIME Inside TIME: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition Inside TIME is one of seven email newsletters published by TIME, the news organization founded in 1923. A closer look at TIME's latest cover and our most compelling stories. Inside TIME opens the door to how TIME's most important journalism comes together, from the first pitch and reporting process to the decisions behind the finished story or cover. Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs takes readers inside the newsroom, revealing the journalists, ideas and editorial choices behind the stories shaping the global conversation. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-inside-2026q3/newsletters?i=10c97733-07cb-43ad-ae0d-03f640b93baf&cr=time-nl-inside-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._ Nov 18, 2023 12:00 PM UTC  Open hand holding smartphone. Shining phone. Social media. Illustration. Open hand holding smartphone. Shining phone. Social media. Illustration. Jelena Zivkovic—Getty Images by [Brad Stulberg](https://time.com/author/brad-stulberg/) ## Brad Stulberg Nov 18, 2023 12:00 PM UTC For centuries, philosophers have noted that between stimulus and response there is a space, and within it lies the freedom to choose our actions. That space represents our agency and humanity—unlike other animals, we can be thoughtful and discerning instead of instinctively reacting. At the individual level, that space is crucial for mental health. Collectively, it’s what gives rise to civilization, allowing us to work together, compromise, and resolve disputes without violence. I fear that space is collapsing. And if we don’t do something about it, the consequences will be dire. When faced with change and disorder, most people go down one of two roads: They either respond or react. Responding, a spinoff of the word responsibility, is considerate and deliberate. Reacting, on the other hand, literally means to meet one action with another. It is immediate and rash. Responding creates more space between an event and what you do, or don’t do, about it. In that space, you give immediate emotions room to breathe, you gain a better understanding of what is happening, and you bring online your prefrontal cortex, the most evolved part of your brain. As such, you rarely regret responding. But you often regret reacting. Plenty has been written about what you can do internally to cultivate responsiveness. For instance, one [study](https://click.convertkit-mail2.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) showed how that affect labeling, or naming your emotions, helps create space between you and a difficult situation. Mindfulness meditation [is also beneficial](https://academic.oup.com/scan/article/8/1/93/1693835). But the external matters too. You can do all the affect labeling and meditation in the world, yet if you regularly inhabit reactive environments, it’s hard not to become a more reactive person. More and more of our environments are becoming decidedly reactive. **_Read More:_** [_Extended Loneliness Can Make You More Vulnerable to Extremist Views_](https://time.com/6223229/loneliness-vulnerable-extremist-views/) The communication theorist [Marshall McLuhan](https://entertainment.time.com/2011/08/30/all-time-100-best-nonfiction-books/slide/understanding-media-by-marshall-mcluhan/) famously began his 1964 book, _Understanding Media_, with the phrase “the medium is the message.” He went on to explain that “the personal and social consequences of any medium—that is, of any extension of ourselves—result from the new scale that is introduced into our affairs by each extension of ourselves.” In layperson’s terms: the more we use a given technology or inhabit a given environment, the more we come to resemble it in our actions, or in today’s day and age, our reactions. I’ve experienced this firsthand. When I spend too much time on social media, I’m more likely to snap on my children, feel restless and frustrated, and my work—my ability to think deeply—[deteriorates significantly](https://time.com/4882372/social-media-facebook-instagram-unhappy/). Yet I’m becoming increasingly concerned that it’s not just me and it’s not just social media, but our entire culture that is making us more reactive, essentially turning us into impulsive lab rats at a time when we need our humanity more than ever. ### More From TIME Our modern economy increasingly relies on capturing people’s attention. The incentives reward speed, flair, and outrage. Reactivity is a feature not a bug. The goal is to be first, to be extreme, and to capture as much gaze as possible. It’s why start-up companies pride themselves on “moving fast and breaking things.” It’s why social media quickly devolves into a toxic, tribal, and angry cesspool. It’s why the space for legitimate disagreement and discussion on college campuses seems to be shrinking by the day**,** giving way to hatred and vitriol instead. It’s how legacy media organizations make consequential errors in a rush to break news. And it’s how governments make brutal mistakes in highly-charged situations that leave so much devastation in their wake. There are no silver bullet solutions, but explicitly naming and describing the problem is an important first step: Our culture and economy encourage reactivity; as a result, we’re becoming a more reactive people, precisely at a time when our most pressing challenges—war, pandemic, climate change, political dysfunction—require our utmost capacity to respond. We can push back against mass reactivity by intentionally creating more responsive environments in our own lives. We can read print books or newspapers instead of the digital versions. We can go to the gym or take walks without our phones. We can set aside spaces to be device free. We can develop constraints for how much time we spend online, perhaps especially on social media. Institutionally, there ought to be processes in place to encourage a deliberate response even—and perhaps especially—when inertia is pushing for an immediate reaction. If we are to have any chance at navigating our turbulent times, we must find ways to reclaim and preserve the space between stimulus and response, which is to say we must find ways to reclaim and preserve our humanity. Our collective future depends on it. _Adapted from_ [Master of Change](https://www.amazon.com/Master-Change-Everything-Changing-Including/dp/006325316X) _by Brad Stulberg and reprinted with permission from HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright 2023._ ## Transcript The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. And when we do a bad thing, we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, we didn't do the bad thing. So being brave and being self-aware and you know, taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing and I'm going to apologize for it, makes you feel like an absolute superhero. I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just like you learn to tie your shoes. Just like you learn to brush your teeth. You can learn to become a good apologizer. We have a very easy six and a half. Step plan. Number one, use the words, I'm sorry, or I apologize. Not, I regret not. I'd like to apologize. No, say those exact words number to say what you did, don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, you have to name your sin. Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, explain as much as you need to, but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, or making the entire staff undergo diversity, and equity, and inclusion training to that. And six and a half is listen, you have to let the other person have their say, you don't need all six and a half steps forever. Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations call for different apology approach. Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do it or just to get person. If something is a more serious offense, email is a good way to do it. And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. The one thing you have to be sure, when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, do not trap them in their car. You know, they need an Escape Route, and you also have to consider does that person want to hear from you, especially if your sin is so profound, you have to put their feelings in front of yours, and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. An an apology is they regret? They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret something that's about how I feel. A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology is also gaslighting. It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you know, you don't really understand how the Work World works and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first place, an an apology does not take responsibility research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to happen again. If you're not sorry and you apologize, you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology is worse than no apology. A good apology does so much. It builds Bridges and heals wounds. It's also really hard. So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6336418/responding-thoughtfully-internet-essay/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6336418/responding-thoughtfully-internet-essay/"},"headline":"There's a Difference Between Responding and Reacting","datePublished":"2023-11-18T12:00:00.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:50:46.136Z","description":"We must reclaim the space between stimulus and response. 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