--- title: How Maggie Smith Realized Her Family Was Whole After Divorce description: Maggie Smith, author of You Could Make This Place Beautiful, learned to stop thinking only of loss after divorce and see herself and her family as whole. canonical: https://time.com/6309019/maggie-smith-divorce-loss-family-essay/ author: Maggie Smith article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2023-11-09T12:00:00.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:50:57.123Z article:section: Ideas og:title: I Got Divorced. But My Family Is Still Whole og:description: "If I knew nothing of what was missing, what had been removed, my life would look full and beautiful." og:url: https://time.com/6309019/maggie-smith-divorce-loss-family-essay/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt652d1532ae07d3e2/698a41ecb21a9c408e507be5/zp_time_divorce_final_web.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2400 og:image:height: 1350 og:image:alt: zp_time_divorce_final_web og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: I Got Divorced. But My Family Is Still Whole twitter:description: "If I knew nothing of what was missing, what had been removed, my life would look full and beautiful." twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt652d1532ae07d3e2/698a41ecb21a9c408e507be5/zp_time_divorce_final_web.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 video:duration: 04:22 video:published: 2023-03-22 section: ideas topics: apology, cognitive dissonance, self-perception, forgiveness, making amends, gaslighting, reparations, interpersonal conflict, communication etiquette genre: explainer, advice tones: instructive, candid, conversational, reflective emotions: empathy (medium), reflection (medium), humor (low) sentiment: neutral audience: general adult readers, people navigating interpersonal conflict, managers and workplace leaders, readers interested in psychology and relationships people: Marjorie Ingall transcript_source: publisher captions transcript_reviewed: not applicable ---  # I Got Divorced. But My Family Is Still Whole > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: August 2026. ## TIME Inside TIME: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition Inside TIME is one of seven email newsletters published by TIME, the news organization founded in 1923. A closer look at TIME's latest cover and our most compelling stories. Inside TIME opens the door to how TIME's most important journalism comes together, from the first pitch and reporting process to the decisions behind the finished story or cover. Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs takes readers inside the newsroom, revealing the journalists, ideas and editorial choices behind the stories shaping the global conversation. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-inside-2026q3/newsletters?i=81bd86af-614c-400f-a34a-f36d49d6ec75&cr=time-nl-inside-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way [Watch (HLS stream): Sorry, But You Might Be Apologizing the Wrong Way](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uOTOC0DK.m3u8) (4:22)  _Published 2023-03-22. Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," describes how and how not to apologize the right way._ Description, summary, key points, chapters, key quotes, questions and transcript, where present, were produced automatically from the video or its captions and were not reviewed. ## Summary Marjorie Ingall, co-author of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," explains why apologizing is difficult, since people tend to see themselves as the hero of their own story. She describes a six-and-a-half-step apology framework and notes that apologies should be tailored to the situation and delivery channel. The video also covers pitfalls such as making excuses, gaslighting, and apologies that center the speaker's regret rather than the other person's feelings. ## Key points - People are designed to see themselves as the hero of their own story, which makes admitting wrongdoing hard. (00:00) - Apologizing is described as a habit that can be learned, like tying shoes or brushing teeth. (00:37) - The apology framework includes using the words 'I'm sorry' or 'I apologize' and naming the specific wrong done. (00:51) - A good apology explains why the act was hurtful without making excuses, and states what steps will prevent it from happening again. (01:00) - Reparations can be part of an apology, and the person apologizing should listen and let the other person have their say. (01:31) - The medium should fit the offense: a quick text for small things, email for more serious ones, and a handwritten note for serious mistakes. (02:00) - Apologizers should give the other person an escape route and consider whether that person wants to hear from them at all. (02:16) - Saying 'I regret' centers the speaker's feelings, while a good apology centers the other person's feelings and emotions. (02:48) - Research cited in the video shows people most want the wrongdoer to acknowledge what they did and commit to it not happening again. (03:36) - A bad apology is worse than no apology, and apologizing without being sorry usually leads to a bad apology. (03:44) ## Chapters - [00:00 to 00:37] Why apologizing is so hard. Ingall explains that people see themselves as heroes of their own stories, making it difficult to admit wrongdoing, and that apologizing is a learnable habit. - [00:37 to 01:31] The six-and-a-half-step apology plan. She lays out the core steps of an apology: using the right words, naming the wrong, explaining why it hurt, avoiding excuses, stating prevention steps, and making reparations. - [01:31 to 02:16] Matching apology to the situation. Ingall explains that minor offenses call for a quick apology while serious ones warrant more formal channels like email or handwritten notes. - [02:16 to 03:03] Giving the other person an out. She advises letting the other person decide whether they want to hear an apology and centering their feelings instead of the apologizer's regret. - [03:03 to 03:50] Common apology pitfalls. The video covers gaslighting, non-apologies that dodge responsibility, and why apologizing without genuine remorse tends to backfire. - [03:50 to 04:22] Why good apologies matter. Ingall concludes that good apologies build bridges and heal wounds, and describes apologizing as a courageous act that overcomes self-protective instincts. ## Key quotes - [00:08] Marjorie Ingall: "we are designed to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story." - [00:37] Marjorie Ingall: "apologizing is a habit like any other habit" - [02:48] Marjorie Ingall: "A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other person's emotions front center" - [03:44] Marjorie Ingall: "a bad apology is worse than no apology." - [03:54] Marjorie Ingall: "It builds Bridges and heals wounds." ## Questions this video answers - Why is it so hard to apologize? [00:00] - Can apologizing be learned as a habit? [00:37] - What steps should a good apology include? [00:51] - Which communication channel should be used for an apology? [02:00] - Why should an apology center the other person's feelings rather than one's own regret? [02:48] - What do people most want from an apology, according to the research cited? [03:36] by [Maggie Smith](https://time.com/author/maggie-smith/) ## Maggie Smith Nov 9, 2023 12:00 PM UTC  Illustration by Zara Picken for TIME by [Maggie Smith](https://time.com/author/maggie-smith/) ## Maggie Smith Nov 9, 2023 12:00 PM UTC I’ve never been good at math. After nearly failing algebra in high school, I chose to attend a liberal arts college in part—in _large_ part—because there was no general math requirement. Even now I’m sometimes criticized for using “bad math”—unrealistic statistics—in the poem I’m most known for, “Good Bones.” In that poem I wrote, “The world is at least fifty percent terrible” and “For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.” For the record, I realize there aren’t an equal number of birds and rocks on this planet. I’m well aware that though the world often _feels_ “at least half terrible,” it’s not a provable percentage. I’m a poet, not a mathematician. But each time “Good Bones” goes viral, typically after a tragedy, the literalists make their presence known in the comments: “You need to take a math class! These ratios are impossible!” **Read More:** [_The Love Story of My Chosen Family_](https://time.com/6330882/zooey-zephyr-chosen-family-essay/) After the song “Yesterday” was released, did anyone complain to Paul McCartney, “You’re not half the man you used to be! That’s impossible! You’re still a whole person!” I doubt it. Still, feeling less than whole—particularly in one’s grief—is a pervasive metaphor. When I was newly divorced, trying to make a fresh start for myself and my children, my thinking about my family and my new life was shaped by absence. I looked at us and saw what was missing instead of what was there. After a major loss or upheaval, it’s natural to think in terms of before and after. For me, there’s B.D, Before the Divorce, and A.D., After the Divorce. It’s natural to lay the shape of your new life over the template of your former one, and to see all the contours that don’t line up. We had been a foursome as a family, so when my—_our_—children first had overnight visits at their father’s rental house, I thought of myself as the quarter missing. When the three of them were together, they were three-quarters of the family we once were. When the children were with me, we were missing a quarter, too. No matter the arrangement, I saw us as asymmetrical and off-kilter. Incomplete. **Read More:** [_We Didn't Have Much Money. My Daughter Still Deserved Joy_](https://time.com/6328912/stephanie-land-class-poverty-joy-essay/) The math of divorce is painful: division and subtraction. When my marriage ended, we divided our assets, our furniture, our dishes and pots and pans. We divided our time with the children. We divided our friendships: Who were more _his_ people, and who were more _mine_? We subtracted, too, again and again. I lost “my other half.” I lost, over years of litigation, tens (and tens, and tens) of thousands of dollars. I lost weight. I lost sleep. I lost my sense of security. I lost the future I’d expected to have and the upbringing I’d wanted to give my daughter and son. I grieved all of it. I looked at my life and it didn’t add up. ### More From TIME One evening an old friend and I were sitting in Adirondack chairs in my backyard, commiserating about our divorces. I told her how bewildering it had been for me, and how estranged I felt from my previous life—the B.D. years. I said, “My life is unrecognizable from what it was five years ago.” Then we were both quiet, and I reconsidered. I took it back. No, it was about constants and variables. When I looked again, I saw that despite the losses—the dividing and subtracting—so much remained the same: I was mothering my two children in my house. They were in the same schools with the same teachers. My neighbors were the same, my close friends and family were the same. My office looked out on the same street. The same dogs walked by daily, and I greeted them by name—Molly, Brutus, Daisy, Monkey. I recognized my life. I realized something then: If I knew nothing of what was missing, what had been removed, my life would look full and beautiful. **_What makes a family? Our writers explore:_** * [_How to Set Boundaries With Relatives, According to Family Therapists_](https://time.com/6331383/how-to-set-boundaries-family/?utm%5Fsource=recirc&utm%5Fcampaign=family) * [_What My Family Taught Me About Loneliness_](https://time.com/6318466/family-loneliness-essay-taylor-harris/?utm%5Fsource=recirc&utm%5Fcampaign=family) * [_How to Reconcile With an Estranged Relative_](https://time.com/6331325/how-to-reconcile-estranged-family-member/?utm%5Fsource=recirc&utm%5Fcampaign=family) I can’t make the equation work any differently: 4 - 1 = 3\. But since that night I’ve been telling myself a different _story_ about the math. If divorce is a time of division and subtraction, then rebuilding is a time of multiplication and addition. I’ve lost, but I’ve also gained, namely, perspective, as I’ve learned to see our family for what it is, without comparing it to what it was. When I look at myself, I see a complete person, not half of a former couple. When I look at my children, my family, I see wholeness, not a fraction. Our house isn’t three-quarters full, it’s full. And my heart? That’s full, too. ## Transcript [00:00] The reason why it's so hard to apologize is because we are designed [00:05] to see ourselves as the hero of Our Own Story. [00:08] And when we do a bad thing, [00:09] we resolved that cognitive dissonance by deciding, [00:13] we didn't do the bad thing. [00:14] So being brave and being self-aware and you know, [00:19] taking charge and saying you don't have to do the bad thing [00:22] and I'm going to apologize for it, [00:23] makes you feel like an absolute superhero. [00:26] I'm sorry, apologizing is a habit like any other habit and just [00:37] like you learn to tie your shoes. [00:39] Just like you learn to brush your teeth. [00:41] You can learn to become a good apologizer. [00:47] We have a very easy six and a half. [00:51] Step plan. Number one, use the words, [00:54] I'm sorry, or I apologize. [00:57] Not, I regret not. [00:58] I'd like to apologize. [01:00] No, say those exact words number to say what you did, [01:04] don't apologize for the situation or what happened last week, [01:09] you have to name your sin. [01:10] Number three is so that you understand why it was bad, [01:14] why? It was hurtful number for is don't make excuses, [01:17] explain as much as you need to, [01:19] but do not let that sort of slip into making excuses. [01:22] Number five is, say what steps are taken to ensure that this [01:26] doesn't happen? Again, number six is if you can make reparations [01:31] in some way, whether that's paying for the dry cleaning, [01:33] or making the entire staff undergo diversity, [01:36] and equity, and inclusion training to that. [01:39] And six and a half is listen, [01:43] you have to let the other person have their say, [01:45] you don't need all six and a half steps forever. [01:47] Situation. If you just step on someone's foot, [01:50] that's a quick I'm sorry and you move on different situations [01:54] call for different apology approach. [01:56] Protocols, if something is quick, a text is a great way to do [02:00] it or just to get person. [02:02] If something is a more serious offense, [02:03] email is a good way to do it. [02:05] And if you really screwed up, there is something very powerful [02:09] about a stamp and paper and nice stationery. [02:15] The one thing you have to be sure, [02:16] when you are apologizing, someone you have to give them an out. [02:19] You do not want somebody to feel trapped by you. [02:22] If they don't, especially if you did something really bad, [02:24] do not trap them in their car. [02:26] You know, they need an Escape Route, [02:28] and you also have to consider does that person want to hear [02:31] from you, especially if your sin is so profound, [02:35] you have to put their feelings in front of yours, [02:38] and that means, you may have to just live with the bad thing [02:43] that you did, if they never want to hear from you again. [02:48] An an apology is they regret? [02:51] They don't say they're sorry or they apologize if I regret [02:54] something that's about how I feel. [02:56] A good apology is how the other person feels and what's the other [02:59] person's emotions front center, about apology or non-apology [03:03] is also gaslighting. [03:05] It can be I'm sorry I forgot that you are so delicate and such [03:10] a snowflake and that you have no sense of humor and that you [03:14] know, you don't really understand how the Work World works [03:17] and you do all of those kinds of things that make you question. [03:20] Whether you're crazy for wanting, the apology in the first [03:24] place, an an apology does not take responsibility [03:27] research on apology and forgiveness shows that the thing that [03:32] people want the most is for the person who wronged them to understand [03:36] that they did to say that they did and say how this isn't going to [03:40] happen again. [03:41] If you're not sorry and you apologize, [03:44] you're almost always going to apologize badly and a bad apology [03:49] is worse than no apology. [03:50] A good apology does so much. [03:54] It builds Bridges and heals wounds. [03:58] It's also really hard. [04:00] So we say apologizing is a courageous act because we are overcoming [04:05] all of our own animal instincts, and all of our own self protectiveness [04:10] when we do it. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/6309019/maggie-smith-divorce-loss-family-essay/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/6309019/maggie-smith-divorce-loss-family-essay/"},"headline":"I Got Divorced. 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