The Bachelorette Recap: Everybody Hates Chris

The Bachelorette is still looking for love, so she backs up her ten suitors and heads to Richmond, Virginia. That means the men have no choice but to come up with a love-soaked analogy comparing Virginia with romance. Leo wins by dead-panning in his gravelly voice: “Just like Virginia birthed the nation, I hope that it births a relationship that really lasts with Becca.”

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

Dramarama

As Jason kills time before his date, the menfolk sit around the hotel, which did not pay to have its name broadcast on the show. Lincoln and Chris start bickering, playground style, and the men just stare at them awkwardly as things escalate even though they are sitting right next to each other on the couch. Without moving further away, Chris yells at Lincoln, “You just body shamed me!” and they keep yelling until Chris screams a word that needs to be bleeped. Even then neither of them move. Maybe they were glued there by the producers?

The Goths Must Be Crazy

Jason, who looks like he walked out of central casting for a reboot of American Psycho, hops aboard a street car with Becca. They sip champagne and drive through the streets of Richmond, playing tourist at some of the historical sites. At the Edgar Allen Poe House they find a group of goths hosting “an unhappy hour.” The goths stand around moodily, while Jason and Becca stare at them like they’ve stumbled into a goth petting zoo, while the goths sip their red red wine and glower at the basics who wandered in. The most entertaining moment comes when Jason attempts to do splits in his skinny jeans and the goths all stare blankly at him. Becca isn’t just taking Jason to a goth petting zoo and on a tour of Patrick Henry’s favorite Richmond hangouts, though. She also has a surprise for him — she flew in a few of his friends. They meet up at a bar and she grills them about whether Jason has ever mentioned marriage or children. Luckily for Jason, they have his back and assure Becca that all wants is a wife, children, and a three-car garage for the inevitable mid-life crisis Porsche purchase. Over an uneaten dinner, Becca and Jason swap sob stories and she gives him a rose. Jason says they really took their relationship to the “next level” and then they climb to the next level of a building to admire the view.

The Great Debate

George Washington and Abraham Lincoln greet Becca and her chosen suitors — Colton, Wills, Garrett, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris — at the Virginia State Capitol Building. The men are then instructed to debate each other, presidential candidate style, for Becca’s love.

For some reason, the actual governor of Virginia clears time from his busy schedule to ask Becca’s assorted chuckleheads a debate question. While the governor’s question was a softball (“Where would you take Becca on a dream date in Virginia?”) Chris Harrison knows how to stir up some dirt. He asks the men if they are all being truthful and honest. Chris grabs the mic and goes on a tirade against Lincoln, dropping an expletive in front of the gathered women, children, and politicians. Lincoln gets in on the fun, too. While Lincoln is now a convicted felon and Chris is presumably back in Florida either happily engaged to Becca or getting back to his day job already, Chris does not get a favorable edit and Becca looks horrified.

The Dramatic Arts

At the after-party, Lincoln gets to talk to Becca first and tells her that he felt threatened by Chris and was only defending himself. Then Chris interrupts Lincoln so he can tell Becca his side of the story. Becca tells him that he makes people nervous, which Chris denies. “Well, it makes me very uncomfortable,” says Becca. “Well it makes me extremely uncomfortable,” says Chris in a poorly-timed fit of one-upmanship. Becca sends him downstairs so he can pick fights with everyone else. Garrett tries to get some one-on-one time, but Becca is too upset to make moony eyes at him and kicks him back downstairs. That ticks him off and he yells at Chris and then everyone yells at everyone until Becca comes in. She ignores Chris and Lincoln and resumes her alone time with the remaining contestants. At the end of it all, Becca gives the date rose to Colton.

Aw Shucks

Becca is completely emotionally drained and is distracted on her date with Leo. They hop in a plane and fly over Virginia while Becca talks about Lincoln and Chris. He handles it like a grown-up though and tells Becca not to fake it and lets her vent, which she appreciates. Then they strap on waders, gather some oysters, and Leo yells, “I was born to shuck!” Then they gobble down oysters and tongue kiss, which seems more like 12th date material, not first. Later, Leo and Becca go to have their heart-to-heart chat over yet another uneaten meal. Leo opens up and gets vulnerable and is rewarded with a rose — and a Morgan Evans concert. He and Becca dance and kiss and generally act like questionable role models in front of the gathered crowd of screaming tweens.

Running Man

Chris decides to take himself on a walk. He leaves the hotel and goes to visit Becca for yet another round of talks. He tries to convince Becca that he loves her most of all, but she tells him that they aren’t connecting at this point. Chris doesn’t get it. So she tells him that she has other, better relationships and she doesn’t think they are there and she doesn’t think they will get there, either. She offers to walk him out and she does even though he tries to shake her off.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tells the men the bad news — there’s no cocktail party. Becca knows what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. As the men get in formation for a Rose Ceremony, Becca tells them that some relationships are progressing and others are D.O.A. and she has no qualms about sending people home. Going into the ceremony, Colton, Leo, and Jason already have roses. Garrett gets the first rose, followed by Blake, and then the final rose goes to Wills. That means Lincoln and Connor are sent packing and Lincoln is finally free to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Next week: The Bahamas!