The Bachelorette Premiere Recap: After Arie, Becca Looks for Love

Last season on The Bachelor, Becca Kufrin was proposed to and then dumped by Arie Luyendyk in a live event that proved The Bachelor is as brutal as MMA. Now she has agreed to come back to the scene of the crime, because she believes in the process and she really fell in love last time. It didn’t end well for her, but she is ready to do it all again. This time she is choosing her own destiny. Becca, “just your normal average girl, who got her heartbroken on TV,” has ascended the ranks; no longer a mere mortal, but The Bachelorette. Tonight her journey begins.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelorette:

Sage Advice

Not ones to shy away from hitting viewers over the head with symbolism — in case you missed the fact that Becca is in the driver’s seat now — the producers cleverly put her behind the wheel of a red convertible as she drives up to the mansion. Waiting for her are former Bachelorettes Jojo, Kaitlyn, and Rachel, who beg the producers not to “edit this out” before dropping an f-bomb about Arie. They remind her (and everyone playing along at home) that they all married the men they gave their first impression rose to and their first kiss of the season. Then to rid the mansion of its negative vibes and built-in cooties, the women light up some sage and burn out all the bad energy.

A Few Good Men

Becca is a self-professed hugger, so she introduces herself to her suitors by man-handling a parade of spray-tanned men, including several football players, a former Harlem Globetrotter, a banker, a lawyer, a stuntman, a guy named John who claims to have created Venmo, and a grocery store owner named Joe who should win, because… free groceries! Crossfit may not be officially sponsoring the show, but they are clearly working with the men behind the scenes as there is nary a beer gut, muffin top, or love handle in sight. They are all fit, well-dressed in tuxes and tailored suits, with perfectly gelled hair.

There’s Colton, a former pro-football player, who quit the NFL, founded a charity and loves dogs. There’s Garrett, a medical sales rep, who rolled up in a mini-van stocked with soccer balls and car seats to prove he’s a family man in the making. Another, Chris, crammed an entire gospel choir into his limo, who emerged to sing a song of love and roses. Becca remarked that they could sing while she “walked down the aisle.”

The Quirk and The Dead

There’s a banjo player, a man who dressed as a chicken, a guy who brought a cut-out of Arie (which seems like a really bad choice), and a man who rode in on a cow. Another suitor has more than 100 bottles of cologne because, he says, it is “the essence of the soul.” He promises to “blow her nose away.” Then there’s Jordan, a walking Ken doll who definitely has a Google alert for himself. Modeling, he says, is so much more than being “ridiculously good looking,” which sounded like a Zoolander reference but was said so sincerely that it may not have been. He spent most of the evening talking about his — and everyone else’s — sartorial choices.

Then there’s Jake, an acquaintance from Minneapolis. His arrival really weirded Becca out, but not as much as the man who rolled up in a hearse — specifically, the back of a hearse. He popped out declaring that when he heard Becca was The Bachelorette, he “literally died” and then came back to life. There’s Kamil, who works as a “social media participant,” who stepped out of the limo and made Becca walk towards him because he believes relationships are 50-50. Then he tried to make her walk 60-40 and she rolled her eyes.

Man Bun Count

Two.

The Cocktail Party

To impress Becca, Christon, the former Harlem Globetrotter, led her to a basketball court and then leapt over her to dunk a ball, saying that if he promised her the moon, he can deliver. Then Becca invited everyone to the court to play ball.

The chicken made her do the chicken dance, called her a “cool chick,” and then admitted he runs a private equity firm. Garrett found a fishing pole and tried to show Becca, who said she grew up hunting and fishing, how to fish. Still, Becca says he “feels like home.”

The Drama

Some guy named Chris is friends with some guy named Chase’s ex who claimed he wasn’t there for the right reasons. Chase decided to get ahead of the issue and talk to Becca about it, but then Chris interrupted them. Perhaps Becca should have just kicked them both off, but instead she thanked them and headed off to talk to someone else who gave her bad vibes. She dragged Jake, the guy she knows from Minneapolis, to a quiet place to chat. She deftly pointed out that they had met multiple times when they were both single and neither of them ever bothered doing anything about it. She sent him home due to poor chemistry. When she tells the other men that she already axed a guy, they all clutch their pearls and gasp — it’s getting real.

The Firsts

Garrett caught Becca’s eye when he rolled up in the mini-van and proved he could provide for his family with his backyard fishing skills. (Know who could really provide for his family? A grocery store owner!) He got the First Impression and the first kiss, and if The Bachelorette pattern proves true, he’ll be putting a ring on it by season’s end. However, as Bachelor contestant Ashley Spivey pointed out on Twitter, before she thinks about marrying him, Becca may want to do a deep dive on his Instagram likes — which could be problematic.

The Rose Ceremony

The first rose went to Lincoln, who brought Becca cake during the cocktail party, then she handed out a bouquet of roses to guys named Blake, Ricky, Jean Blanc, Christon, the Harlem Globetrotter, Clay, Wills, Conner, a banjo player, a banker, a realtor, a few salesmen, some guy named Trent, Colton, the Chicken, Zoolander Jr., the stuntman, and the Final Rose goes to Chris, the guy who ratted out the other guy whose ex hated him. (Here’s your suitor study guide for next time.) That means Joe, the grocery store owner, is still single for anyone willing to supermarket sweep him off his feet. Those who left rose-less muttered something about being defeated by a Chicken, including the “social media participant” who was extremely embarrassed by his poor performance. He didn’t even have time to gain any social media followers!