Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior in Hollywood, a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate for a woman to host these awards, and they may be right. But if it’s any consolation, I’m a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I’m not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight [pointing at Seth Rogen] Hey, remember when he was the guy making trouble with North Korea? Remember that? Simpler times.
They tried to get a woman to host this show, they really did. They said, “Hey, how would you like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?” And women were like, “Hmm, well, where is it?” And they said, “It’s at a hotel,” and long story short, I’m your host tonight.
And we’re all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Yeah, give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. ‘Hollywood foreign press.’ The only name that could make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.
Well, I think it’s time to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein isn’t here tonight. Because, well, I’ve heard rumors that he’s crazy and difficult to work with. But don’t worry, he’ll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the ‘In Memoriam.’ [boos] It’ll sound like that.
Well, despite everything that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they’re going to do another season of House of Cards. Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too? I hope he can do a Southern accent, ’cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn’t. Oh, is that too mean? …To Kevin Spacey?
Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for best actor for his work in Get Out. Daniel plays a young man lured to an event full of aging white people desperate to reclaim their youth, and — oh, my God, Daniel, it’s a trap. Get out.
Get Out was a great film to see in a theater, and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist. If you walked out after that movie and your date said, “It was so sad when they hit that deer,” they’re a racist. You went to a movie with a racist.
The Shape of Water received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film, but I have to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naïve young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, “Oh man, not another Woody Allen movie.” Like Manhattan in water.
The Post is nominated for best picture tonight. The Post is a film about journalistic integrity, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep — [someone appears with an armful of awards] no, not yet, we have to wait. We have to wait and see what happens.
There was some great television nominated this year, too. We had another fantastic season of Stranger Things. Stranger Things reminded me so much of my childhood. Not the sci-fi stuff, and I didn’t really have any friends. I don’t know how to ride a bike. Basically just the part where a guy from RadioShack dated my mom.
Sesame Street recently released a parody of Stranger Things titled Sharing Things. Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing a parody of Call Me By Your Name for years.
I live in New York, so one of my favorite shows of the year was The Deuce. If you haven’t seen it, The Deuce is a show about Times Square in the early ’70s, when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.
Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight. What a tremendous honor, for Cecil B. DeMille. And Oprah, while I have you, in 2011 I told some jokes about our current president at the White House Correspondents Dinner — jokes about how he was unqualified to be president — and some have said that night convinced him to run. So if that’s true, I just want to say: Oprah, you will never be president. You do not have what it takes. And Hanks. Where is Hanks? You will never be vice president. You are too mean and unrelatable. Now we just wait and see.