The Bachelorette Recap: Celebrity Matchmakers For Rachel

The Bachelorette star Rachel Lindsay is feeling both “vulnerable” and like “a fire was lit underneath” her, which normally would be a cause to call the doctor, but on reality TV is a sign of excitement at dating 20 or so men simultaneously. Before the dates begin, Chris Harrison gives the men a here-for-the-right-reasons check and they all pass—barely.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette, season 13, episode 2.

The First Group Date

A whole bunch of men and that annoying WaBoom guy are invited on the first group date so Rachel can test them for husband material. WaBoom shoves Iggy out of the way and Blake, the aspiring drummer, vows his revenge for the insult. But first, noted Bachelorette fans Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are on hand to test the contestants’ marriage-making credentials. The men are made to change a diaper so dirty that the censors blurred it. They strapped on a Baby Bjorn and vacuumed, unclogged a sink, found a lost ring, set the table, and brought home some flowers. The winner? WaBoom. The men all chucked their baby dolls on the ground in disgust. WaBoom’s new status as husband material earned him the first spot alone with Rachel—and she kissed him. It was just a peck, but that’s more than enough for the crazy to rub off.

The Group Date Rose

Rachel gave the season’s first group date rose to Dean. He earned her respect after bringing up the fact that when they were originally introduced during the After the Final Rose special, he told Rachel, “I’m ready to go black and I’m never going to go back.” While most of us were staring at our TV’s in horror, like he was the racist uncle who was half a Heineken away from spewing trash during dinner, Rachel thought his line was funny and charming. She gave him the rose, he gave her a kiss.

The First One-On-One Date

Peter, who was the first man out of the limo and thus a potential frontrunner, now gets the first date and Rachel brings her dog Copper. For reasons they are not sharing with us very concerned viewers, Copper has a broken leg and is sporting a cast, so they decide to spoil the pup with a private jet to Palm Springs and a day at the dog spa. Peter gets to come, but it’s clear that Copper is the love of her life and she’s just looking for a man to share in dog walking duties. After Copper takes a nap, Peter and Rachel sneak off to dinner to compare their tooth gaps and swap stories about their exes. Then they make out as actual fireworks explode around them, which Copper probably did not enjoy nearly as much as Peter did.

The Second Group Date

Rachel loves dogs, but she loves Kareem Abdul Jabbar more, so she recruits the basketball legend to test the men on their skills. “Basketball is a good sport for love because it’s teamwork,” mutters one guy (it’s too early to learn names). After a bit of practice, the men face off in a match with Kareem, Rachel, and Chris Harrison watching them shoot and miss again and again but just keep on trying (which is definitely a metaphor for love).

During half time, the game really heats up. A producer introduces Rachel to a girl who has shown up court side to ask Rachel to send her boyfriend DeMario back home because he has her keys and she needs them back. Turns out, he ghosted her and she didn’t know what happened to him until she saw him on TV. Rachel fetches DeMario from the locker room and when he sees the girl he says, “Who’s this?” Rachel and every girl in America roll their eyes hard enough to cause a pre-existing condition. His girlfriends tells Rachel and DeMario that she came with receipts and Rachel tells him to get out. As he rides home in the limo of shame, Rachel goes to find comfort in the arms of her other 11 boyfriends.

The Second Group Date Rose

During the after party, the men all try to comfort Rachel over her loss of DeMario, while pretending that they are not thrilled that he’s out of the competition. Josiah was best at playing the world’s smallest violin for Rachel, telling her earnestly that his heart was broken that DeMario had lied to her. Rachel totally fell for it and made out with him and then she gave him the Group Date Rose, while the rest of the men wished they had paid closer attention in their junior high drama class.

The Cocktail Party, Interrupted

As the men all try to justify their continued existence in the pack, including one guy who whips out a massage table to give her a quick rub down, Rachel slowly gets over DeMario’s treachery. That’s when the producers show her what they got and DeMario shows up to plead his case to Chris Harrison who was “Like, whatever dude” and went to ask Rachel if she had time for him. Next week, we find out.

Meanwhile, Copper has no competition for Rachel’s love.