February 6, 2014 10:06 AM EST

LOVE IT

TIME’s Lev Grossman calls John Beckman’s American Fun “what’s missing from our collective cultural history: the secret meaning of getting your groove on.”

American Hustle’s costume designer said Jennifer Lawrence got Doritos dust on her character’s signature white gown: “We were glad that we had [backups].”

Sharknado fans, rejoice! Tara Reid will reprise her role in the forthcoming Syfy sequel alongside co-star Ian Ziering.

Netflix renewed House of Cards for a third season–a full 10 days before the second season even premiered. Somewhere, Frank Underwood is cackling with glee.

ROUNDUP

Wackiest White House Petitions

When the White House launched its We the People initiative in 2011–promising to respond to citizen pleas that gathered a set number of signatures–chances are it didn’t anticipate some 247,000 Americans (and counting) banding together to deport Justin Bieber. Yet the petition, which circulated in January, is just the latest in a series of LOL-worthy efforts that logged enough signatures for an official response. Here, a few of our favorites.

HAIKU REVIEW

Eight-year-old ballers

Find their blustering coaches

Turn fun to foul play.

–JAMES PONIEWOZIK ON ESQUIRE NETWORK’S FRIDAY NIGHT TYKES (TUESDAYS AT 9 P.M. E.T.)

The “Deport Bieber” petition started after his DUI arrest last month

[The following text appears within a chart. Please see your hard copy for actual chart.]

125,746 SIGNATURES

DEMAND: LET TEXAS SECEDE

RESPONSE: “Our Founding Fathers established … ‘a more perfect union’ … But they did not provide a right to walk away from it.”

34,435

DEMAND: BUILD A DEATH STAR

RESPONSE: “The Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850 quadrillion. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.”

NEW DIMENSIONS

Urs Fischer is not afraid to shock with sculpture. The artist’s signature work–like 2009’s Noodles, left, which obscures its subject’s face with a screw, or a 2011 wax figure that melts when exhibited–realizes the surreal, often to chilling effect. For more on Fischer, check out Urs Fischer: 2000 Words, part of a book series of contemporary-art monographs.

109,334

DEMAND: DEPORT PIERS MORGAN

RESPONSE: “When discussing the Second Amendment”–Morgan was under fire for remarks on gun control–“keep the First in mind too.”

17,465

DEMAND: RELEASE THE WHITE HOUSE BEER RECIPE

RESPONSE: “With public excitement about White House beer fermenting such a buzz, we decided we better hop right to it,” followed by step-by-step brewing instructions.

12,240

DEMAND: ACKNOWLEDGE ALIENS EXIST

RESPONSE: “The U.S. government has no evidence … that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged” any humans.

REFINED ART

In the real world, oil makes manufacturing possible. But in this model world–as created by David LaChapelle–manufactured items, such as curlers and cups, make up an oil refinery. The photographer’s latest series, which explores the production and consumption of fossil fuels, is on view through March 1 at Paul Kasmin Gallery in New York City.

THE DIGITS

$2 billion

Amount Americans spent on mayonnaise last year; the spread squeezed out ketchup ($800 million), soy sauce ($725 million) and BBQ sauce ($660 million) to become America’s most popular condiment, according to research firm Euromonitor. Salsa, alas, was classified as a dip.

QUICK TALK

Kylie Minogue

The Aussie pop diva hasn’t had a Stateside smash since 2001’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,” but her infectious new single “Into the Blue,” which dropped last month, may well buck the trend. We caught up with Minogue, 45, in advance of her 12th studio album, Kiss Me Once, out March 18.

–SAM LANSKY

There’s a song on your album called “Sexercise.” Would you ever consider hosting exercise videos?

I’d be so bad at it. I don’t do any regular exercise.

Really?

I do intermittent exercise at photo shoots or videos. Things where you’re standing on one leg for half an hour is my equivalent of Pilates class. But we’re going to be able to do really fun things for “Sexercise.”

I can only imagine.

I know where my imagination is–on the right side of the naughty line. Still enough to get you hot under the collar!

Which other artists did you listen to while you were recording Kiss Me Once?

Sky Ferreira, Haim–I was really into Tegan and Sara. And then just whatever I would catch on the radio driving to the studio. But I definitely didn’t go in with a stack of CDs saying …

That’s how I want to sound?

Yeah. I don’t think you can do that working with so many different producers.

Your schedule is pretty hectic during promo tours. How do you unwind?

Sometimes I just have to race off and get home and try to get to sleep because I’m that spent. It’s pretty nonstop right now. But I try to watch something on my iTunes.

Ever go to the movies?

I did see Gravity, which I loved. I felt pretty spaced out by the end of it. Pardon the pun!

LEAVE IT

We’re all for stunt casting, but Prince’s bizarre post–Super Bowl appearance on New Girl left us wanting … less.

George Zimmerman announced that he will fight DMX in a March 1 celebrity boxing match. “I am going to beat the living f-ck out of him,” the rapper told TMZ.

Crest is now offering mint- chocolate-flavored toothpaste, which may or may not taste worse than mint-toothpaste-flavored chocolate.

A Seattle butcher shop has started selling Skittles-infused sausage; it’s now the store’s most in-demand offering.

FOR TIME’S COMPLETE TV, FILM AND MUSIC COVERAGE, VISIT time.com/ entertainment

This appears in the February 17, 2014 issue of TIME.

Contact us at letters@time.com.

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