--- title: Sheryl Sandberg on How to Speak With Grieving People description: Sandberg, who spoke extensively to TIME about her husband's death, says she felt incredibly isolated when she returned to work canonical: https://time.com/4751235/sheryl-sandberg-grief-dave-golberg-option-b/ author: Diane Tsai article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2017-04-25T11:00:21.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-10-08T08:47:16.737Z og:title: Sheryl Sandberg: What Not to Say to a Friend Who’s Having a Hard Time og:description: The Facebook COO shares her tips for lending a hand to the heartbroken og:url: https://time.com/4751235/sheryl-sandberg-grief-dave-golberg-option-b/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt0f37d2d9d10ed731/6988c4002dce014ba39ed284/sheryl-sandberg-2.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1855 og:image:height: 1043 og:image:alt: Sheryl Sandberg Option B og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Sheryl Sandberg: What Not to Say to a Friend Who’s Having a Hard Time twitter:description: The Facebook COO shares her tips for lending a hand to the heartbroken twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt0f37d2d9d10ed731/6988c4002dce014ba39ed284/sheryl-sandberg-2.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Sheryl Sandberg: What Not to Say to a Friend Who’s Having a Hard Time > Sponsored content. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=42ab53ec-d2dc-4c5f-98d2-059c8b5862a8&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Sheryl Sandberg: Saying the Right Thing to a Friend Who's Suffering [Watch (HLS stream): Sheryl Sandberg: Saying the Right Thing to a Friend Who's Suffering](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/8Xaipogc.m3u8) (1:24)  _Published 2017-04-24. "It is so hard to help other people who are going through adversity, and I think I got a lot of this wrong before," says Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. "But here's what I learned."_ by [Diane Tsai](https://time.com/author/diane-tsai/) and [Belinda Luscombe](https://time.com/author/belinda-luscombe/) Apr 25, 2017 11:00 AM UTC "It is so hard to help other people who are going through adversity, and I think I got a lot of this wrong before," says Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. "But here's what I learned." by [Diane Tsai](https://time.com/author/diane-tsai/) and [Belinda Luscombe](https://time.com/author/belinda-luscombe/) Apr 25, 2017 11:00 AM UTC “Adults sometimes flinch a little to this day,” Sheryl Sandberg says, when she mentions her late husband Dave Goldberg’s name. “As if I’m reminding them that my husband died and it’s sad.” While the expressions are tiny and fleeting, Sandberg notices them. “They don’t even know they’re doing it. It’s just people’s reaction.” The Facebook Chief Operating Officer, [who spoke extensively to TIME about her husband’s death, along with her grief and recovery](http://time.com/sheryl-sandberg-option-b/), says she felt incredibly isolated when she returned to work. Employees avoided her, facing the triple threat of a boss who was famous and obviously suffering. Sandberg understood the reaction, but believed that adding isolation to grief was making it so much worse. So she set about writing _Option B_, with psychologist Adam Grant, to help people better understand grief and hardship and setting up [an organization](https://optionb.org/) of the same name. “One thing I learned in the book is look, we have put grief, adversity, cancer, illness, job loss, sexual assault, like all this stuff that people face, in a big old closet,” she says. “And people want it in the closet because it’s easier. People are uncomfortable talking about this. The No. 1 thing everyone I know who’s gotten cancer has said about this, is that no one talks about it. You want to silence a room? Say you were just diagnosed with cancer, or say you had cancer five years ago. People freeze.” Sandberg has other simple tips for those who want to help friends who are having a hard time, which she shares in the above video. ## Transcript [00:00] [ MUSIC ] [00:04] You know people had been saying to me, how are you? [00:06] Which is a total standard American greeting. And I [00:08] think they meant well, they really wanted to know how I [00:11] was, but there's no way to answer that question. You [00:13] can't say what you're thinking in your head, which is, [00:15] well, my husband just died. How am I? Rather than say [00:19] how are you to me or to someone who's grieving or [00:21] facing hardship, Say, how are you today? It's that [00:26] one little word, but it changes it, because what it [00:28] communicates is I know you're struggling to get [00:30] through the day. It is so hard to help other people who [00:34] are going through adversity, and I think I got a lot of [00:37] this wrong before. But here's what I learned, the most [00:40] important thing is to acknowledge pain. If someone [00:42] was going through something, I wouldn't say anything, [00:44] because I didn't want to remind them. Losing Dave [00:47] taught me how ludicrous that was. You can't remind [00:49] me I lost Dave. To this day, to this minute, I know. And [00:53] don't sugarcoat it. I used to say to people who got a [00:56] cancer diagnosis, I know you're gonna be fine. Now I [01:00] know that the voice inside their head is screaming, no, [01:02] you don't, and neither do I. So now what I say instead [01:04] is, I know you don't know what's going to happen, and [01:07] neither do I. But you will not go through this alone. [01:12] The power of we, we, not you, not you're gonna [01:17] be okay, but we are gonna get through this. 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