The Bachelor Watch: The Women Tell All About Nick Viall

Nick Viall’s time as the star of The Bachelor is drawing to a close, but before he puts a Neil Lane ring on some lucky lady’s finger, he has to some how make it through three nights in a Finnish Fantasy Suite. When we last saw Nick he was headed into a fur-lined, fire-lit suite with Raven telling the world that she had never had an orgasm (a claim that her ex-boyfriend claimed was a dirty lie). When she emerged from the Fantasy Suite, there was a spring in her step and the music supervisor had to stop just short of using “Walking on Sunshine” as the score.

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:

Rachel’s Fantasy Suite: As Raven is ushered out into the snow, Texas girl Rachel shows up in the snow- covered Finnish landscape. They make her go cross-country skiing, a sport she has never done before. As Nick mocks her inability to ski, they make their way to a reindeer farm where Santa comes out and offers them the key to the Fantasy Suite. Okay, that didn’t happen but, admit it, you believed it for a minute. Instead, “Saint” Nick and Rachel make out in a reindeer-drawn sled on their way back to the lodge.

They drink wine and talk about how Rachel still has some doubts about this whole process. She eventually drinks enough wine to admit that she’s falling in love with Nick, and then instantly keels over in embarrassment at declaring love to a man wearing a shaker-knit sweater. They hit the Fantasy Suite and the camera zooms in on them kissing in bed. They make breakfast together in the morning with Nick cracking eggs, while Rachel watches in a fetching penguin-themed onesie. They make out until Nick says he has to go, because he has another date. Ew? Ew.

Vanessa’s Fantasy Suite: To welcome Vanessa to Finland, Nick suggests a refreshing ice bath and a clumsy metaphor for marriage: “If we can do this together, we can do anything.” Then he made Vanessa strip to her skivvies and run from the sauna to an outdoor ice bath. They survive, but almost collapse under the weight of Nick’s unending stream of ridiculous comparisons between a quick dip in an ice bath in Finland and a long-lasting relationship. In the hot tub, they talk about the importance of compromise and all the things that she won’t comprise on. Then, with a bald eagle swooping in from the star-spangled sky, Nick declares that he is proud to be an American, while Vanessa declares her love of Canada while a Mountie riding a moose watches from a respectful distance. They battle it out until Vanessa tells Nick she’s in love with him, which are the magic words to get her into the Fantasy Suite. They head inside to make out while the cameraman is forced to stand in the Arctic cold to film them.

The Rose Ceremony: The women all trudge through the snow in ball gowns so Nick can tell them he has feelings for all of them. [Insert eye roll] Based on the dates, it’s clear that Nick loves Rachel most of all, right? Right? Right?… sigh. The first rose went to Raven, the second went to Vanessa, and thanks to the decision to announce Rachel as the next Bachelorette a month ago, this is the least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history. Nick tries to justify his decision, but… whatever. We all knew this was happening a month ago. Rachel’s limo ride back to the airport just looks like an audition tape.

The Women Tell All: The show instantly devolves into all the women hollering about Corinne — her decision to take a nap instead of going to a rose ceremony, the fact that she took off her top, the fact that she is a grown woman with a nanny. After one woman calls her a “slob kebab,” Chris Harrison just throws up his arm and leaves it to Jesus to take the wheel and let the producers sort it out. Then Corinne and Taylor duke it out some more, with Taylor pointing out that she’s a mental health counselor several dozen times. It was all settled when Corinne marched off stage — only to return a moment later with a glass of champagne (because they were out of tea). Then Chris Harrison gives Corinne the spotlight and she explains that she calls Raquel her nanny, because she would never “disrespect” her by calling her a cleaning lady. Then she hands out bowls of cheese pasta that she made Raquel stay up all night making. Chris Harrison blithely tells her, “You are something I’ve never seen before on this show.” To keep it real, Kristina reminded Bachelor Nation that she grew up eating lipstick to survive and Liz, the doula, reminds the women that they are privileged and should band together and not tear each other down (which is a very different show). Then everyone yelled at Nick for dumping them when they had real feelings for him. Finally Rachel has fully recovered from her broken heart and is ready to be America’s next Bachelorette. Chris Harrison makes Nick come out to sit awkwardly next to Rachel. She is very gracious, probably because she realized she dodged a bullet.

Next week: Nick makes his final choice.