The traditional story of Thanksgiving is not particularly politically correct, so Jimmy Kimmel took matters into his own hands.
Kimmel conscripted some children into the task (yes, he used child labor) and aired the resulting politically correct Thanksgiving play on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Monday night.
“This is not 1621, this is 2016, and some of the story is out of date,” said Kimmel. “So we thought it might be a good idea to update the story of Thanksgiving to reflect our modern sensitivities.”
As the play opened, the young narrator set the scene: “The place: Plymouth, Massachusetts. The year: 1621, if you choose to believe in the culturally oppressive Greco-Roman calendar,” she said. The play included references to non-indigenous people, gender labels, generic higher powers, maize allergies, privilege checking and cultural appropriation.
The children then transformed the Thanksgiving story into a safe space with a “locally sourced feast,” which meant eating vegetarian, of course. “We don’t eat turkey. It’s not morally justifiable,” explained a pilgrim. Luckily, Christmas doesn’t hold the patent on miracles and a giant Tofurkey appeared at the table.
Feel free to cheer the updated Thanksgiving story, but as the narrator reminded viewers, “Please don’t applaud, it’s insensitive to people with no arms.”