Caitlyn Jenner Says She Was Suicidal When Paparazzi Captured Her Transition

Caitlyn Jenner has become a proud advocate for the transgender community ever since her public coming-out in 2015. But she is now just as candid about the challenges of her transition as the joys.

In an interview on HBO’s Any Given Wednesday, the Olympian and Time 100 honoree discussed a dark moment during her transition. After having an operation on her “hated” Adam’s apple, Jenner told Bill Simmons she was spotted by a paparazzo leaving the doctor’s office.

“I could not sleep that night,” she said. “And I’m up at 3 a.m. walking up and down my hallway, thinking, ‘Damn, all this s—t is going to come out tomorrow and it’s going to be horrible.’ And I said, ‘You know what, easy way, go in the other room, you got a gun, let’s just end it right here.'”

“That was probably the lowest I’ve ever gotten,” she said. That night, she decided against the “easy way out” and went back to bed. She had a change of heart in the morning, and says that the moment turned her life around for the better.

“I thought, ‘What a terrible way to end your life’s story!’ I don’t want my story to end that way, on a negative note.”

Now, she is grateful and happy for her “simple” life. “Going through this, I have renewed my excitement for life.”

She also discussed her views on the upcoming election. Jenner is an outspoken Republican, although she says that she has not supported any candidate yet.

“Since I’m on the Republican side [I’m here] to help the entire Republican party do a better job when it comes to LGBT issues,” she said. “Especially the ‘T’ portion.” She mentioned issues like suicide, bullying and hate crimes particularly affecting the trans community, and said she hopes to help her party do a better job supporting the LGBT community.

Watch more of her comments on identity below:

[h/t: Cosmopolitan]