The Bachelorette Watch: The Men Tell All

The Democratic National Convention may be making history tonight by nominating the first-ever woman to be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States of America, but nothing (nothing!) stops JoJo Fletcher’s journey to find love on The Bachelorette.

Last night, JoJo hit the Fantasy Suite with Jordan (who is still not his brother Aaron) and Robby, who started calling her Joelle as a sign of his deep and abiding respect for his future fiancée. (Just kidding, JoJo isn’t going to choose Robby, because they would have to compete for hair product space in the bathroom.) She also sent Chase packing, because she wasn’t in love with him and didn’t want to spend a night in the Fantasy Suite with him, possibly because she thought he was Luke until mid-date and it was too late. (It’s her own fault for dating four men who look exactly the same!) Read the full recap here, because the past is the past and the future is all about the Men Tell All starring Chad.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette (because you were probably watching the DNC or tweeting about how you weren’t watching it):

Bachelor in Paradise: In case you were worried that you would never again get to see the meat-eating, protein-powder chugging, luggage-lifting menace to manliness that is Chad, good news! He’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise and apparently they have both a lunch meat budget and a security guard for his ‘roid rage. (Remember, Chad didn’t deny using steroids, he just denied being able to smuggle them onto the show.) But Chad’s continuing 15 minutes of fame isn’t the big news coming out of the plus-sized preview of the forthcoming face-mashing festival. The promised multiple (multiple!) marriage proposals also aren’t the big news. The big news is — brace yourself — Wells may hook up with Ashley I. If you’re still breathing, Grant, Vinny (who?), and Evan the erectile dysfunction expert are also on the show, but no word on whether they hook up with Wells or if a producer ends up helping Chad bury Evan’s body in Mexico.

Everyone Hates Alex (Apparently): While Alex came off okay on the show, turns out that many of the men found him aggressive and annoying (or they were just jealous he got to cuddle a horse). Wells thought that as a former Marine, Alex felt most comfortable in conflict zones and created them wherever he went. While Nick B. (who?) thought Alex had more fun trashing Chad than wooing JoJo, but to be honest, that’s probably true for everyone in the room, state, world, etc.

And More Chad! In case you were worried that you would never again get to see the shirt-pulling, trash-talking, Muscle-Milk chugging, anger management icon that is Chad, good news! He’s on the Men Tell All to tell all the men that he wishes he had punched people on the show, thinks Alex is annoying, hates Derek’s pocket square, has no interest in Evan, and was the only man on the show. To prove his point, he also wants Grant and Robby to know that he’s hooked up with their ex-girlfriends and has the Instagram pics to prove it. In short, he has no regrets.

Luke: It seems like only yesterday that Luke was sent packing, but here he is already recovered from his broken heart and ready to spill the beans on national television about how much he loved JoJo. Turns out Luke may suffer from what we call Farmer Chris Syndrome in that he is as boring as watching hay bales in Arlington, Iowa as illustrated by this sleepy duck. He is clearly smart, but he may be too stuck in his own head hence the fact that he forgot to tell JoJo he loved her until it was too late and then got sent home for Chase. Of course, he may have a chance to redeem himself if they choose him to be The Bachelor. (Please don’t choose him to be The Bachelor!)

Chase: In case you missed his expletive-filled rant yesterday, Chase was surprised and unhappy to be kicked off the show. But he got over it very quickly and now loves JoJo in a wholesome, friendly way that could have him in line to be the next star of The Bachelor. Maybe he and Luke could take turns starring in the show and no one would be able to tell the difference?

JoJo: JoJo comes to make amends with the men who once vied for her heart. She apologizes to Luke, apologizes to Chase (he tells her not to worry about it, proving he wants that Bachelor crown and the 25 women that come with it), answers Vinny’s mom’s questions, and resoundingly disses Chad and earns a standing ovation from the crowd.

Next Week: JoJo chooses between Robby and Jordan and hopefully can tell them apart long enough to pick the right one!