The Bachelorette Watch: Fantasy (Suite) Island

It’s Fantasy Suite night on The Bachelorette! But before fans can see JoJo dole out Fantasy Suite cards like fun-sized Snickers bars on Halloween (one per customer, of course) she has to finish the Rose Ceremony that was interrupted by a declaration of love during last week’s show.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

The Rose Ceremony (Continued): Last week, Luke and a production intern told JoJo they really, really liked her by laying out candles in a heart shape. JoJo was touched, but not touched quite enough, because Luke was about to not get a rose. He quickly realized his error (when a producer told him) and he stopped the Rose Ceremony for a quick word with JoJo. He finally (after seven entire weeks) tells her he loves her. It’s too little too late, though, and JoJo sends him packing, ruining at least six or seven Bachelorette betting pools. With Luke finally out of the way, JoJo invites Robby, Jordan and Chase to Thailand with her. She thinks that is who she invited, but she’s not totally sure, because they all kind of look alike. JoJo worries that she made a mistake.

Robby’s Date: Robby and JoJo casually wander through the streets of Thailand (with cameras, producers and probably hair and make up) looking for love and truth and next level honesty and some “authentic” Thai food, so they can tell all their friends later, “Yeah, this is good in all, but you really need to try the phat in Thailand it’s just so much better there.” And then their friend jabs a chopstick in their ear and they say, “Well, actually, in Thailand, they don’t use chopsticks.” Then they end up sad and alone and ordering curry for one for the rest of their lives. Anyway, Robby loves JoJo, but JoJo hasn’t reciprocated the feeling yet. He expects that will all change in the Fantasy Suite, but JoJo flips her hair over her shoulder and claims that she’s like not even sure she wants to bring him to the Fantasy Suite and then winks at the camera. (The wink is implied, because hahahaha, of course she does!) Robby tells her he loves her, they kiss over some very authentic Thai food, and they head to the Fantasy Suite “just to be alone for awhile” and in the immortal words of Monty Python, nudge nudge, wink wink. Robby starts calling her “Joelle” because he totally respects her and she says she loves Robby, but can’t tell him, obviously. Like in Ben’s season, the cameras now join the couple in their post-connubial bliss, helping them butter their toast and filming them kiss.

Jordan’s Date: JoJo showers (not shown) and then goes to meet Jordan who jumps off a boat and runs to her, managing to not stop and throw his flip flops in a perfect spiral and finally showing America that he’s as good at this throwing thing as his brother-who-shall-not-be-named. (It’s Aaron. Did you know Jordan is Aaron Rodger’s brother?) For their date, JoJo and Jordan go on a hike to a mountain temple. JoJo is kinda bummed that she has to cover her shoulders and abs and not make out with Jordan while they are in the temple. She’s bummed, but totally respects their religion, too, and it’s a really good way to test her bond with Jordan to see if they can not make out for an hour. That’s a good test for a marriage, right? Their date was “amazing and perfect” but before JoJo will give him the key to her Fantasy Suite, she has to learn to trust him. When Jordan says he wants to spend his life with her, she shrugs, “That’s what Ben said.” So Jordan flounders around for some words and blurts out a word salad of “marriage” “love” “proposal” “trust” and a “Neil Lane diamond” and then JoJo totally trusts him and she slips him the Fantasy Suite key. The cameras leave after the publicity department-ordered tour of the suite, rejoining them to admire their rumpled sheets and breakfast choices. Jordan says they took a big step together and now he is super confident and winks at the camera. JoJo says the same thing she said to Robby, “It’s our first breakfast together!” and tells the camera that she loves Jordan, too. Yes, she finally understands how Ben ended up loving two women. The only cure for the situation is to go on an overnight date with Chase.

Chase’s Date, Part 1: To impress JoJo, Chase kisses a dead fish and then covers himself in fish juice. The fish pheromones must be amazing, because it totally works and JoJo launches herself into his arms. Then they hop on a boat and float around harassing monkeys and talking about how much better the weather is in Thailand than in Colorado. Good stuff.

The Real Drama: Robby shows up unannounced because he missed JoJo, but also because he can’t stop thinking about the fact that she is having two other dates. She pats him on the head and tells him to scoot, because she has a date to get ready for.

Chase’s Date, Part 2: Chase tells JoJo that he wants to be the man she deserves and she hands him the Fantasy Suite card. In the Suite, he tells her that he loves her and she thanks him for telling her that, which is exactly what every man wants to hear in return. While JoJo doesn’t want to be Ben, throwing around the L word like Mardi Gras beads during Carnivale to any old guy who begs for them, she does realize something — she is actually not in love with Chase. She breaks it to him as gently as possible, but it doesn’t go very well. She keeps trying to explain her side of the story, but it just sounds like “I don’t love you,” which is exactly what she is saying. Chase gets bleeped a few times while JoJo makes it all about her. Even though he is angry and hurt, he gives her a hug and walks out while she cries. She chases after, um, Chase and begs him to understand that she didn’t want to invite him to the Fantasy Suite just to break his heart. He points out that is exactly what she did. Chase leaves for his new Fantasy Suite — the airport van.

The Rose Ceremony: JoJo only has two suitors still standing, but has decided to put Robby and Jordan through a Rose Ceremony anyway. She claims that she wants Robby and Jordan to accept their roses and actively continue their journey, but it’s clear that the producers wanted some drama, because as she’s explaining Chase’s absence to Robby and Jordan, Chase rolls up and asks for a word. Maybe that word is “Leave!” or maybe that word is “Squirrel!” whatever it is, they retire to a quiet corner where Chase apologizes for yelling and stuff. JoJo appreciates the fact that he came back to make her look less mean on national television. Then she gives Jordan and Robby roses, which they accept. As JoJo talks about the tough decision in her future, the camera cuts to a monkey scratching his head with his toes, which pretty much sums it all up.

Tomorrow: The Men Tell All! Chad! So much Chad! All the Chad!