The Bachelorette Watch: Hometown Dates

On The Bachelorette, JoJo Fletcher has winnowed her herd of menfolk down to just four putatively “amazing” men. To find the perfect man to hand her a Neil Lane diamond ring in the next four weeks, JoJo needs to meet their parents to see what her future might hold (like receding hairlines, expensive dental work, potential bad hips and nightmare mother in laws). That means it is time for hometown dates and all the fun that goes with them.

By the way, here’s who should win JoJo’s heart according to astrology.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:

Chase’s Hometown: As you can probably tell, Chase grew up in a broken home in Denver. (Just kidding, you would never know except that they mention it every two minutes.) JoJo guesses that the fact that his parents had a lawsuit-riddled divorce is the reason he’s taken a little bit longer to open up to a girl he met eight weeks ago and has wooed on national television. JoJo needs him to get over all the issues he earned as a child of divorce A.S.A.P. in order to open up more quickly. Before they can make it to the Fantasy Suites, they have to make it through two separate conversations with two separate parents (because they are divorced, in case you missed that) about whether their relationship is strong enough to withstand divorce. When JoJo sees Chase’s dad, she finally understands his facial hair choices and his inability to open up in public. Then Chase brings JoJo home to his mom, who wore her fanciest sweatsuit for the occasion and explains that Chase grew up as a child of divorce, did JoJo know that? Cause yes, he is child of divorce. JoJo then tells her potential future mother in law that she “looked like she knew how to have fun,” which is clearly code for hitting the Parents without Partners parties extra hard if you know what I mean. Strangely, Chase’s mom considers taking that as a compliment. Inside Chase and his sister talk about the lasting effects of their parents’ divorce. Then Chase and JoJo make out by her getaway car.

Jordan’s Hometown: Jordan brings JoJo to Chico, California to walk through a dirt field in high heels and then to his high school to relive his glory days like he’s a pathetic character in a Jonathan Demme movie two minutes away from hitting on the teenaged babysitter. Jordan takes her to the coach’s office, which is littered with photos of Jordan and his far more famous football success story brother Aaron. Of course, Jordan doesn’t want to talk about Aaron like at all, which will be hard as they are in a room filled with his photo (and then they will be having a family reunion without him). When JoJo asks, “Hey Jordan is that your brother?” he gives her with a Michael Scott death stare. To distract her, Jordan takes JoJo to the bleachers to make out (and not talk about Aaron). Later, at Jordan’s parents’ house, his family didn’t bother meeting them at the door (they probably would have met Aaron and Olivia Munn at the door) but at least they didn’t seem to mind that JoJo and Jordan just let themselves in, so that’s a good. Inside, we learn that Jordan’s hair might be congenital as his father and brother (Luke, not Aaron who isn’t there, in case you haven’t noticed) both have similar hair. Jordan’s parents set a table for the family leaving two empty chairs at the dinner table just in case Aaron decides to show up (he doesn’t). Jordan tells his mom that he loves JoJo and she whispers, “It’s your destiny!” Jordan takes that as a sign and tells JoJo he loves her some more and then they make out (and don’t talk about Aaron).

Robby’s Hometown: St. Augustine, Florida is not ready for JoJo’ and Robby’s love story. He takes her on tour of the town in a horse-drawn carriage. Then she grills him about his ex-girlfriend, who he swears is no longer an issue. At his house, Robby interviews that he wants to see JoJo interact with his family, because he finds that “attractive.” JoJo charms everyone, but when Robby talks to his mom alone, she has some bad news — his ex-girlfriend’s roommate says he dumped his ex to go on The Bachelorette. While he fully denies that series of events (although he probably did), he decides he needs to be honest with JoJo. He tells her that his relationship was “over nine months before it ended” (so they were “over” when he applied to The Bachelorette). JoJo kind of believes what Robby’s ex-girlfriend’s roommate said, but decides to trust him anyway. They make out on his mom’s canopy bed.

Luke’s Hometown: Luke shows JoJo around his small town Texas hometown, but there’s not much to see, so he just takes her for a drive in his pickup truck and then takes her to his family farm. Luke cheats by inviting not just his family to meet his lady (who wore her cowboy boots for the occasion) but also invites the entire town (except for probably one woman who ticked off his mom at a church potluck four years ago). JoJo smiles and nods and eats some barbecue and thanks his family for hosting her in their lovely home. Luke then steals JoJo away for some alone time on a hay bale. They talk about love and the sunset and forever and Luke tells her that he is falling for her. He wanders over to a candle trail that leads to a flower heart, which he made in his spare time (j/k some Bachelorette production assistant intern spent seven hours arranging flower petals in a field, making sure the flowers looked heart shaped enough). Luke then told Jo Jo his heart is hers and with that the production assistant intern had something to add to the old resume. JoJo drove away leaving Luke looking glum in his flower heart.

The Rose Ceremony: Tonight’s Rose Ceremony is being held inside an airplane hangar. Whoever gets a rose is flying off to a new glamorous destination and the rejected suitor gets to huff some airplane fumes as he is left in their dust. Luke, Robby, Chase and Jordan stand awkwardly in the hangar while JoJo talks to Chris Harrison on the runway. As JoJo weighs her options, Luke asks her if he can talk to her for a minute. He wants to tell her that he is in love with her, because he forgot to do that last time. She thanks him politely for letting her know. Then she goes to curse in the airfield because she was totally planning on dumping Luke and now she can’t. JoJo breaks down crying and hyperventilating in her sequined gown, which is where she’ll be when the show returns next week. That’s right, it’s the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED. Nooooooooo!