9 Things to Fix—Now

26. Kill the airport announcements about reporting any person who asks you to carry something aboard the aircraft. Nobody has ever done this.

27. Likewise the flight attendants’ demonstration of how to fasten a seat belt. We know how.

28. Stop making pennies, nickels and dimes. Nobody bends down to pick up even a dime anymore. They’re not worth the trouble.

29. Change the seating in Congress to mix Democrats and Republicans together. Teachers know that you break up gangs by keeping them apart in the cafeteria. Seat politicians by seniority, with the old ones in the back and the new ones down front, so they get the idea that their time is brief.

30. Raise the minimum wage. It makes no sense that people working full-time must live in a dank basement and eat dog food for breakfast.

31. Radio and TV are making the country dumber, and we have enough of that already. Bring back the Fairness Doctrine, requiring broadcasters to present a range of opinions on controversial issues. Otherwise, wear a big red nose and a fright wig.

32. The California drought is God’s way of telling us we can’t have beautiful lawns and golf courses and raise vast almond, avocado and orange crops in a desert. Learn to love aridity.

33. Stop the sale of assault weapons. There are thousands of deranged people dressing up in camo and marching around in the woods, blasting away with automatic rifles, rehearsing for a showdown with the FBI. More people are going to get hurt. Let them use water pistols.

34. Let’s give the words diversity and multicultural a rest. We are diverse, as diverse as can be. Race, gender, ethnic origin and sexual orientation are descriptive but not indicative. We respect individual dignity because we know that each person is mysterious, capable of astonishing things. And speaking for my fellow WASPs, I say vanilla is a complex flavor, rich, interesting. So let’s let up a little with harassing each other and enjoy each other more.

The answer to so many of our problems is simply to have more fun. Let’s make America graceful. So, a joke: Grace and Harry were driving down the road and ran into a bridge abutment, died instantly and found themselves in paradise. It was fabulous, awesome, even better than Boca. And he turned to her and slapped her. Harry said, “If you hadn’t made me stop smoking, I could’ve been here years ago.” Ba-dum-bum.

Keillor is an author and the founding host of A Prairie Home Companion